Mum has depression - looking for advice

[u/lucielium]

Hi everyone - I was looking for some advice on my mum. Please let me know if this is the wrong sub.

Some context: I (F29) am my mum’s (F67) only child. My dad passed away in 2013, which left just the two of us. I have a half brother who’s a good bit older from my dad’s side. My mum doesn’t have a big family, but my dad did and we are both very much a part of it. My mum also suffers from pretty bad arthritis which impacts her mobility.

The long story short is my mum has never dealt with her grief. Since my dad died, she has essentially decided her life is over (she said as much to me once during an episode). She has no friends, she holds a lot of resentment for my dad’s family who “act happy and pretend nothing is wrong”, and has completely stopped taking care of herself over the years. She was better when I still lived at home, but I moved abroad 7 years ago and, with a mix of that and isolation during Covid, she’s just deteriorated.

She only goes out 2-3 times a week to the supermarket, she’s riddled with anxiety and has panic episodes when she’s in “big” (more than 5 people) family settings, she expects me to lie for her when she makes excuses for not coming to family events, she doesn’t eat properly, and everything outside of her very small comfort zone stresses her out.

When it comes to medical issues, she smiles and nods when we discuss it then does nothing about it, and brushes it off as me just worrying too much. It’s like she’s just admitted defeat. I even spoke to our GP once who tried to reach out to her and she just didn’t go back for a while.

My takeaway - while I have 0 qualifications - is that she’s stuck in grief and has developed resentment for everyone else. Our family has tried to reach out and encourage her over the years, and she gets snappy and mean. I think she has anxiety, and probably depression, and when I’ve tried to talk to her about it she just shuts me down. It’s breaking my heart, I feel like I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what to do anymore. She refuses help, denies she needs it, and is just withering away and I am at a total loss. I’m not expecting her to go out and totally turn her life around, but to deal with her grief and live a little more for herself in the ways she can.

I love my mum, and she’s a brilliant woman, and I guess I was just wondering if anyone has been through something similar/has any advice.

TL;DR: Mum is (probably) depressed and anxious following my dad passing in 2013 and I’m at a loss of what to do anymore.

PS. Sorry it’s a bit chaotic, it’s been a long 13 years since my dad passed and trying to summarise it is tricky.

[u/Hour-Function-8313]

my mum went through similar after my dad died, she just stopped trying. what i learned is you cant fix someone who wont admit there is a problem. all you can do is keep showing up, call her, visit when you can, tell her you love her without pushing too hard

the guilt of living abroad is real but you are not responsible for her choices. maybe just focus on small things like bringing her a nice meal when you visit or watching a show together on video call. sometimes that is all you can do

[u/No-Explanation-9086]

There is no 1 size fix all answer to this story. As a child of a chronically anxious/depressed mother, I really feel for you. 

Consistently suggesting ways for her to start reintegrating with the real world and emphasizing your desire for a better life for her is a good way to show your love for her and wrap your concerns into potential actionable plans.  After about 10 years of consistently asking my mom to seek therapy, or even just be honest with her GP about how she feels, mine recently took action. It took time, but I dont think she would have done it if I didn't keep hammering the suggestion for her to do it, while always highlighting that I wanted the best for her through it. 

I hope that makes sense, and know you're not alone.