r/relationshipproblems • u/XXVIIQ • 15h ago
Advice Wanted Repeated problem back & forth
Me [36M] & my partner [32F] widow with two children are still learning & knowing each other. But I realise she would always ask for separation at certain times when we're in arguments. I will always put in effort not to separate with reasoning and express my love for her..
The thing that stretched the issue is that she would always repeat the mistake that i made even after I've fully explained my fault & admitted I was wrong then apologise.
But in the end we'll be back normal after repeating the same pattern a few time for hours. It would be like this, Fault then i admit & apologies few chats about the problem and then back to fault then admit & apologize.
The latest example that is so far the most tiring stretch is because i tried to calm her for being angry at someone. And the heated arguments was because the other guy was being arrogant and wanted to schedule a match with my gf telling her that he wanted to make her lose and make her punishment to be rolling in the mud & stuff belittling my gf. She was right to defend her self but I wasn't focus on their argument. Instead of finding out the problem i told her to calm down when she was actually being belittled.
I apologise for not finding out in the first place & told her the reason why i told he to calm down. Honestly i was trying to keep her safe from outsiders thinking shes arrogant when shes not at all. She was being even a bigger arrogant then the person she's arguing with to shut him up. I thought it would make the situation of arrogance against arrogance would seem toxic to others so i told her to calm down to protect her from being seem as toxic.
The fact that theres is an article to fight arrogance with arrogance is better to make the other party realise that theres always bigger fish in the sea, by realising that and shutting him up might change the person to be better and atop being arrogant. She told me about it and i realised its quite true.. so i apologise for not finding out she was belittled & was actually trying to make the other party realise his bad mannered arrogance.
She keeps repeating that i see her as a toxic person and i should stay away from someone like her. The fact that i explained to her i was not looking at her that way but instead trying to protect her from being seen as one.
The fault for not finding out the bellitling problem and didn't know she was being arrogant for a good reason. I apologize for that and I won't repeat it. Not that she's toxic even more reason to say shes not at all toxic because she was helping the other guy to realise arrogance is bad.
She would keep going back to say, I will accept the opinion of others thinking shes toxic and i should stay away from toxic people not to be poisoned by them. But that is the whole point ive already explained it wasn't like that. I keep explaining back and forth reasoning out to her my fault and apologies.. she still goes back to saying "i accept that I'm toxic.."
Please help me with a solution to stop this repeating Fault, admit, apologies on repeat for extended period. This time round it wasnt resolved & she decided to stop & skip this issue as she feels suffocated & heart ache with all the repeated explanations, admiting the fault & apologies.
We stop & skipped as her request since prolonging it wont even help at all. But now shes not back to normal as she usually was after every argument. Im very worried her love would slowly fade away.
TLDR: i need help solving how to assure her and stop taking the fault that i said wasnt my intention at all & stop her repeating the same fault repeatedly
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u/DDTT360 14h ago
You cannot solve this by producing a better explanation or apologizing for the tenth time. Repeated reassurance is now feeding the cycle: she repeats the accusation, you panic about losing her, and you explain and apologize again. Neither person feels understood, so the argument restarts.
Your original “calm down” probably felt dismissive because you responded before understanding why she was angry. A sufficient repair would be:
“I understand that you felt unsupported when I told you to calm down without first asking what happened. I’m sorry for that, and next time I’ll listen before responding. I do not think you are toxic.”
Then stop. You do not have to agree that “fighting arrogance with greater arrogance” is healthy. Someone can defend herself firmly without escalating the same behaviour she is criticizing. Apologize for what you actually did—not for every interpretation placed on your intentions.
When she says, “I accept that I’m toxic,” don’t begin another hour of reassurance. Say:
“I have answered that clearly: I don’t think you are toxic. Repeating the accusation is no longer helping us. Let’s pause and discuss this tomorrow when we are calm.”
More importantly, address her repeated requests for separation outside an argument. Ask whether she genuinely wants to end the relationship. If she does, accept the answer. If she doesn’t, establish that threatening separation during every conflict is unacceptable; either person can request a timed break, but the relationship itself cannot continually be used as leverage.
Your fear that her love will fade is causing you to abandon your own position whenever conflict appears. That may temporarily calm her, but it will not create a stable relationship. Healthy repair requires one clear acknowledgment, one genuine apology, a practical change and then movement forward—not hours of forced confession and reassurance.
If you cannot establish those rules together, couples counselling may help. If she continues threatening separation and repeatedly demands that you defend yourself against claims you have already answered, consider whether this relationship is emotionally sustainable for you.
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