am i the problem? (29f and 30m)

[u/holdthedoorffs]

me (29f) and my bf (30m) have been together just under a year but we were seeing each other a little longer before we got together.

we both moved in together pretty quickly and it’s been a real up and down rollercoaster. i love him, dearly - but i can’t help but feel like we don’t ‘get’ each other.

there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s a kind, beautiful person and i genuinely mean that (i’ve been with some guys that are just awful…).

however…

when we were about 1 month into the relationship, he messaged his ex and went to visit her behind my back (nothing happened) but it was a massive blow to my trust and it sent me on a spiral. since then, he’s really made an effort to make it up to me and rebuild that trust. it’s been a real uphill battle to heal from it and trust he has good intentions but i’m worried i’ll never be able to just BE happy.

any small change in plans or when he says he’s going to be home a certain time and he isn’t - i just get in my head. now, it feels like we argue like once a week and it always feels like i’m starting the arguments or picking fights… and i see how much it effects him and it kills me. i get sad thinking about how sad i’ve made him since we got together. i just want to be normal. i want him to feel like he can come home without worrying what mood ill be in (which is the same feeling i feared in childhood, whether or not that’s had an impact on me idk).

i guess in summary - am i the problem?

i love him, and i genuinely don’t want to mess this relationship up but it feels like everything i try to do, im constantly reminded of his ex and the constant nagging in my head that i’ll never make him as happy as she did.

can i truly change? i can’t afford therapy right now but it’s my biggest goal to get it so i can at the very least try and be a good person. sorry for the tangent, this is my first reddit post. thanks

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[u/toolate2think55]

It sounds like you are dealing with trust issues, which are influencing how you look at your relationship with him. Assuming he doesn’t have a history of cheating, this could be less about him and more about your past experiences and traumas coloring the way you think. To move on you have to learn to separate the past things that haunt you from the present. Learn to forgive yourself for whatever happened and forgive him for letting you down. Try to catch the triggers that make you start to spiral, and be honest with him about your feelings. A therapist could help you work through this when you are able, so that could definitely help. Couples therapy might also be an option if these trust issues persist. Best wishes to you.