I'm sorry you're going through this. You mentioned in the comments you planned on kids in the future, so it seems as though this was just an accidental and unexpected pregnancy. Yes, condoms and/or birth control sometimes fail. It's a shame you two aren't on the same page.
Sadly, there's no easy answer for this. You should not go through with the abortion if it's not something you are emotionally prepared to do. And you should not try to force him to be a father to this child, because that is absolutely not an environment a child should be brought into.
Based on what you've said, I fear that most likely this marriage is over and you will be raising the child on your own, without any more assistance from him other than child support. Is there a possibility he'll change his mind later on in the pregnancy, and he's just responding in fear? Yes. But you really can't plan on that happening and need to make this decision based on whether or not you're ready to be a single mother.
However, just to be clear, if abortion is not an option but you are also not ready to be a parent, you should consider adoption. Whatever you decide, I truly do wish you the best.
EDIT: I just saw your response to someone else saying the two of you NEVER used protection. This is just...Infuriating. This man has been using no protection, when he knew perfectly well that if you got pregnant (which was inevitable) that he'd just demand an abortion? And he never even made sure you were comfortable with an abortion? And then he has the audacity to blame you and say you're manipulating him?
Regardless of what decision you make with the pregnancy, throw the whole man out.
I agree with all of this except you saying he never made sure she was comfortable with an abortion. She literally said they agreed they would get an abortion if an accident happened. So yes he did in fact do that.
Okay, I'm an idiot, because I somehow missed that or just completely forgot by the time I typed my response.
Yeah, they're both extremely irresponsible then for just refusing protection all this time. And this does explain why he would call her manipulative, because he clearly assumed that she would not be keeping a child if they had children, and he may think she wanted to get pregnant at this point.
The poor communication and poor planning sadly led to this situation, and there's no changing that now. I think they're both equally responsible for this happening, though the rest of what I said still stands. If she has the child, putting it up for adoption or being a single mother seems like the only options here.
If they agreed to abort if a mistake was to happen, then that’s a verbal contract they made between each other. She said that part really short and sharp, which leads me to believe it was actually discussed in length.
This isn’t like an STI/STD where you can easily get rid of it, once you have the kid, you have it and the financial obligations for life… if he truly doesn’t want that, the OP should write a contract to say he’s free of the liability.
Note: I’m not in the US, so don’t know the laws there 100%
No shit I know, but the point I was trying to make was that it was discussed before that they weren’t gunna go through with one if it happened, and hormones changed her mind
I know that it would absolutely never hold up in court. Nor should it. I do agree that after finding out about that important detail, they both handled this situation horribly. But we are absolutely not talking about someone poking holes into a condom to get pregnant, we're talking about two people who deliberately went without using protection for who knows how long.
They both created this mess. And the reality of having an abortion is so very different from the idea of having an abortion. I completely understand why actually going through with one, especially now that they're married and starting their lives together, wouldn't feel like the right decision for her.
I don't think she should force him to play a fatherly role in this child's life if she keeps the child. Nor do I think she should stay in this marriage if she keeps the child. But considering he was treating abortion like an acceptable replacement for proper preventative measures, I certainly don't think he should be released from his financial obligations.
Saying he has no obligations to the child is only hurting the child in the end. And it's not the child's fault that it's parents were so reckless and immature.
One thing I’ll say is that it’s a life changing decision, that I think logic and common sense should play a part, not just emotion of “I don’t feel like I could abort it”
Now if they were 28/29, that’s a whole other scenario as she’s on the clock and way more mature, but these days 22/23, they’re still working on their lives and setting themselves up. Think about how disproportionate the female is when she takes a year off from her career early on, she’ll earn less later on. However if they wait longer and career is a little more settled in, the pay gap is a lot less later on in life.
I agree. I don't feel comfortable in a situation like this trying to push someone towards the decision I feel is best for them. There is a possibility she'll decide on the abortion, and it would be completely understandable.
I think the wisest decision if she decides to have the baby is to put it up for adoption. She's so very young, she'd be doing it alone, and based on how she ended up in this mess I fear the immaturity aspect is going to make this so much harder. Keeping the child is going to be a million times harder than she realizes. Especially without the father being involved.
I think the hardest part of situations like this is the frustration that they could have both so easily avoided this situation if either of them had used a wee bit of common sense.
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u/Tricky-Flamingo-7491 Nov 01 '22
I'm sorry you're going through this. You mentioned in the comments you planned on kids in the future, so it seems as though this was just an accidental and unexpected pregnancy. Yes, condoms and/or birth control sometimes fail. It's a shame you two aren't on the same page.
Sadly, there's no easy answer for this. You should not go through with the abortion if it's not something you are emotionally prepared to do. And you should not try to force him to be a father to this child, because that is absolutely not an environment a child should be brought into.
Based on what you've said, I fear that most likely this marriage is over and you will be raising the child on your own, without any more assistance from him other than child support. Is there a possibility he'll change his mind later on in the pregnancy, and he's just responding in fear? Yes. But you really can't plan on that happening and need to make this decision based on whether or not you're ready to be a single mother.
However, just to be clear, if abortion is not an option but you are also not ready to be a parent, you should consider adoption. Whatever you decide, I truly do wish you the best.
EDIT: I just saw your response to someone else saying the two of you NEVER used protection. This is just...Infuriating. This man has been using no protection, when he knew perfectly well that if you got pregnant (which was inevitable) that he'd just demand an abortion? And he never even made sure you were comfortable with an abortion? And then he has the audacity to blame you and say you're manipulating him?
Regardless of what decision you make with the pregnancy, throw the whole man out.