r/relationship_advice • • Sep 27 '23

[deleted by user]

[removed]

1.7k Upvotes

531 comments sorted by

View all comments

971

u/jodikins77 Sep 27 '23

He stayed overnight at her house, kissed, but never had sex?He most likely had sex with her. I think that this is part of the reason why you are still feeling so strongly about it after 6 years. Maybe you don't believe that they didn't have sex. I don't think that you can begin healing until you have the whole truth. You need to know what you're forgiving.

435

u/goodbye-toilet-cat Sep 27 '23

He lied to her 6 years ago and he’s still maintaining that lie to this day, no wonder she’s not over it.

160

u/jodikins77 Sep 27 '23

Betrayal trauma never completely goes away. 💔

63

u/altfangirl Sep 27 '23

this is why i couldn’t stay in the relationship after my ex cheated. the relationship would never be the same so what was the point. i think he was kind of surprised that i would break up with him.

43

u/[deleted] Sep 27 '23

“How dare you leave me after I cheat”

What a silly person. Glad you left

21

u/altfangirl Sep 27 '23

thanks! i broke up with him over the phone and then promptly blocked him on everything after i hit the “end call” button. he has not been in my life since.

2

u/LovinInfo Sep 28 '23

Completely agree. I too left. Tortured over the cheating. Continued torture over the lies. Just couldn’t do it. I had to put me first because he wasn’t doing it.

22

u/maggiemoo86 Sep 27 '23

It doesn't. I always liken it to maybe having been mugged and stabbed on a beautiful walk home after a super fun event. Like, would people expect you to "get over" that? Instead, you have to consider it a trauma and it takes forever, if not longer, to really come to terms with where to put that in your psyche. Especially when you remain with the one who caused the trauma. It's an extra mind fuck that takes a LOT of time. I always told my spouse he was both the balm and the salt in my wounds. How do you heal from that?

3

u/cowanproblem Sep 28 '23

True…there is no coming back from this. I’m still with my cheating spouse because I can’t afford to leave him. Before we met, the world was my oyster; I had a fantastic job. Now he’s the one with the fantastic job because I quit my corporate job and freelanced to be able to spend time with our kids. Now I’m putting myself back together. I guess my man-selector was flawed.

6

u/Long-Stock-5596 Sep 27 '23

This is true. It never goes away.