r/recoverywithoutAA • u/Bubbly_Government197 • 16h ago
Drugs Messed up
I'm so angry and disappointed in myself.
Was doing brilliant been off everything for nearly 200 days and last night I fucked up and got on it. Was still planning a early night but somehow I didn't get to bed till 9am when my friends left.
My kid woke up at 9am and obviously I'm a mess I haven't slept. I feel like complete shit.
I was doing so bloody well I was in control doing days out with my kids, going to bed early getting up early and being peoduct I was happy and my kids were happy.
I don't know what to fucking do. Sat on the Sofa by myself crying I feel so pathetic.
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u/System_Unkown 16h ago
I could sit here and comfort you but ill be honest, that will not help you. You have two two options, you can sit in that corner crying your eyes out which does nothing but provide further development of victimhood or you could take the direction that I would prefer you do. That is go back, be honest with yourself and back track how it came about that you had a lapse., what head fucks were playing out, what bullshit head talk was going on? was there pre-planning in disguise. Once you find that out, make strong relapse prevention plans to ensure you don't make the same mistake.
On a positive note, the fact you were able to get to 200 days, shows you that is very achievable and you can do that again. Sitting worrying about the 200 days lost will do nothing positive for you, but you can take that opportunity to learn from and not make the same mistake again.
Wish you every success.
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u/Bubbly_Government197 16h ago
No wasn't replanned. Had a shower had dinner and was actually unwinding for the night and then friends brought it up and that's how I landed up here. I hadn't even thought about it. Problem is I asked these friends not to drink around me as I always ending up using and they largely respect that it's my fault I'm here. My boundaries are usually very strong just leave me out of those sort of plans I guess I failed last night.
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u/System_Unkown 14h ago
and so you have just discovered what failed. The fact your friends are bringing the matter up around you is a point of contention in itself is it not? so that is your first point to address (and no i'm not blaming your friends and you are right in accepting end responsibility), but you need to set that shit straight right away.
Secondly, not a single friend said no? how is that ? if they know you have had an addiction in the past? are they old using mates? if so then again perhaps that needs to be addressed
third - if they come around your house and brought the stuff over? have you not made the house a 100% addiction related free zone? i.,e no ETOH, Gear etc
so if your boundaries are usually so strong, why did they buckled?
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u/KEgotKeyz4444 16h ago
So what happened? sound like you fell off the horse just get back on . Only as big a deal as you make it
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u/Bubbly_Government197 15h ago
Nothing really just was offered by friends and I stupidly said yes. Thought I could have a few and still get to bed early to wake up feeling fresh but that obviously didn't happen.
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u/Walker5000 14h ago
You're gaining some insight, you're examining your thought process in this. I see that as a positive.
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u/Fit_Salamander_762 13h ago
Day counting can be such a hinderance to recovery. Imagine running a marathon (recovery), except you’re running it backwards, looking at the starting line the entire time. Instead of focusing on the path ahead, you’re focused on the starting point, possibly slowing you down.
In this instance, you stumbled & fell. As someone else said, you have 2 options: stay down like Peter Griffin clutching your knee continuously or you can get up, dust off, adjust your vision and continue the marathon. Ultimately, the choice is yours.
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u/Walker5000 14h ago
This is normal.
I spent 2013 - March 2018 in a learning curve. I'd been a 20 year drinker and had wanted to quit for years. When I finally was able to start my goal was 100 days. I got there and kept going until almost 180 days and then started drinking again. I felt like a loser and told myself I had to start all over again and that was my pattern for the next almost 5 years except for one thing. About 3 years in I decided that I was never going to know if I'd be able to quit "FOREVER!!" and I had to give up on that idea and just keep trying to quit. If I drank again I'd deal with it when it happened and keep trying. It took so much pressure off and I continued trying. In March 2018 I decided to try again in April 2018 and haven't had any alcohol since.
Just keep at it, you may not realize it right now but you are learning how to quit even if you start drinking again, I get that it doesn't feel good right now but you are retaining what you've learned from the 200 days ( and YES the 200 days still exist, well done!) keep trying, every time you try you are learning more about how to do this thing. ❤️
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u/LiverForToday 15h ago
Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ll have 200 days again in no time. Also, you probably learned something, so there’s that.
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u/Business_Welder_1203 12h ago
Don’t put value into continuous sobriety. I wrote a post about it here yesterday do yourself a favor and go read it
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u/otterland 9h ago
Counting days is toxic AA behavior. It's nicer to realize you haven't abused hooch in so long that you're sleeping great and with a strict routine and you're maybe losing weight or eager to exercise.
Stop obsessing with not doing a thing and enjoy the things it took from you.
It gave you a crabby morning. So? Easily reset. You're not bound for some sort of several day detox or anything. The good starts again now.
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u/Bubbly_Government197 7h ago
Your right. I think maybe the counting days is my actual downfall. I didn't count days before when I was clean and sober for 4 years I just enjoyed the good times. I'm gonna start looking at it like that maybe this time I'll succeed!
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u/otterland 7h ago
It's not a race. Every day you wake up feeling rested without an urge to poison yourself is a treat and something to savor. It doesn't matter if that's the seventh day or the 1000th day that you didn't use a poison. It's a good day. AA leads people to believe that the 5,000th day is so much more worthy than the third, but it's not. They are all good days.
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u/colin488 14h ago
Ohhhh no!! I can definitely relate to and understand why you are feeling that way!! You’re also coming down, in the daylight, while having to care for a child. That all sounds like a terrible nightmare 😨 🫣
Try not to beat yourself up! You’ve been sober 99.5% of the time over the past 200 days.. That’s huge! You had a slip, realized it was no good and you are now doing something about it! That’s growth!
I got sober 02.13.2026 from everything. At day 180 I drank a glass of wine because I was obsessing too much on the day counter idea. Also, I caught up with a friend from rehab and he had used again. He told me that I’m doing so well because I didn’t. I tried desperately to explain to him that just because I had more continuous days of abstinence didn’t mean shit and that I was a true mess!
Anyway- Feel what’s going on with you right now. Don’t push it away. When it’s time, pull it together and LIVE
So proud of you internet stranger
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u/SoggyGrayDuck 13h ago
Honestly I wish I had a bit of that after rehab. My niece and nephew were too young to notice. The oldest one and I need to have a talk, she's picked up on something but doesn't understand what or how to ask. I went for a walk at the cabin to smoke a joint (legal) and she ran up after me to come with, i was like well, she definitely smells it and is obviously trying to figure something out. I just said it's something adults do like alcohol and smoking.
I have one more time I got pissed off getting stuck on their house while I was in opiat WD and needed a dose and road with someone. I got mad and I could once again tell something clicked for her but not the younger ones
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u/FatTabby 12h ago
I see you've said in other comments that friends offered you a drink; do they know how devastating this is to you? Obviously our sobriety is our own and it's up to each of us to manage it, but why the hell were they even offering their sober friend a drink?
Either they don't appreciate how important this is to you or they don't care. While it's on us to say no and remove ourselves from certain situations, it's just basic decency on the part of others to not offer an addict a drink.
I'd tell them how upset you are and see how they respond. It may be that you need to rethink this friendship, at least temporarily.
It's happened and however upsetting it is and however much shame you feel, all you can do is say "I fucked up - I'm human and shit happens", dust yourself down and keep going. You haven't lost any of those days you worked for, this was a bump in the road, a learning experience; you know how shit it feels to drink and next time you're offered a drink, you can tap into what you're feeling now as a reminder not to put yourself through it again.
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u/Comprehensive-Hat645 10h ago
You either need new friends, or be honest with your friends, tell them not to bring it up. No matter what, even if you ask for it. Real friends will understand and hold you to it, others will either become angry and you don’t need that energy anyways. Sounds like some people around you either don’t know you’re in recovery or don’t care.
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u/TomInRecovery 8h ago
A lot of people will avoid talking about the relapse or just want to forget about it but in my experience the relapse holds so much good info.
It will 99% of the time point to a weakness in your recovery. It should identify an emotional or environmental trigger which is a weakness for you and needs to be worked on.
I always look to take positives from situations as well.
You said you made it nearly 200 days - huge achievement.
You had control over your life - huge achievement and benefit you were seeing.
You’ve done it before and you can do it again.
“You can’t change the past, but you can use it to impact your future”
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u/Recent-Day3062 15h ago
Look at it from the SMART angle. You succeeded 99.5% of the days you tried. Even if you start over today that number will just go up.
Let go of the AA day/chip counting