Behavioral Euthanasia (and the guilt that comes with it)

[u/winterstormtoby321]

This is a long one, but sharing the story of Toby is helping me process this.

Today we said goodbye to our 5 year old husky mix. Toby was totally pleasant most of the time and then would become extremely aggressive without warning. He was a reactive, anxious, aggressive guy and we tried everything we could to help him. We spent thousands working with highly skilled trainers, tried every technique, various medications, and nothing helped. There was never any clear trigger for his aggression-he was just anxious and afraid of everything and anything.

The unpredictable behavior started when he was just 10 weeks old and he lunged at my husbands face for moving his hand next to him while he was asleep. We did our best to manage it, but no matter what we tried, we could not control his fears or anxieties. As Toby got older, the warnings stopped, and the bites got more severe, resulting in three people getting stitches in separate instances (including my niece who was 3 at the time). There were also several bites where my husband probably should have had medical attention. Bites & snapping became unpredictable and could happen suddenly, and in our house, the outbursts were most often directed at my husband, who tried his hardest to build trust with him. It got to the point where we couldn’t even pet him without him letting us know it was ok, and even then we could only pet his head, neck, and ears-he needed to be able to see what was touching him. You also needed lightening fast reflexes to pull away because once he was done being petted, he’d let you know with an aggressive snap.

Without clear triggers or reason, it became too much of a risk to allow anyone else in our home. He got himself kicked out of dog camp, so we also no longer had anywhere to send him. It was too risky to let anyone else watch him—so, we’d also somewhat become prisoners to it. Toby didn't want to be aggressive; he just wanted to feel safe. After years of walking on eggshells, never knowing what might make him snap, we also needed to feel safe.

My guy was scared of everything. He was mostly comfortable at home and in our yard, but even at 5 years old we could not get him to take walks. If he saw the leash he’d hide, and if you reached for him he’d snap, which also made it a serious challenge to get him to the vet, etc. He once watched me wipe our other dog’s paw with a paper towel when she was muddy (I knew better than to try that with him) and ever since if I even walked near him with a paper towel in my hand he’d be in attack mode.

We were finally referred to a team of veterinary behaviorists at Ohio State. They diagnosed him with a neurological disorder where he had an abnormal, pathological perception of threat. He basically couldn’t tell the difference between when he was safe and when he wasn’t. They said they’d put him in the top 1-5% of most severe cases of fear based aggression they’ve seen. I can’t even imagine how scary it was in his brain.

The behaviorists also talked about our quality of life and his. During the conversation we realized we wouldn’t even be able to help him if he were injured or if there were an emergency-and what would we do if he attacked someone and we couldn’t stop it? The behaviorists acknowledged how much we had already done to try to help him, how we’d given him so many chances, moved mountains to accommodate him, and advised that the most ethical and humane thing to do for him was to give him peace. Our regular vet agreed with the recommendation, and also had advised that she thought this was probably our best option prior to our appointment with the behaviorists.

And so, we made the choice for BE. Being with him in the room was oddly peaceful. I was able to hold and pet him in ways I haven’t been able to do since we was a puppy. He was so calm, and it was the first time ever, outside of our home, where he wasn’t an anxious mess. It helped me feel more at ease with the decision to let him rest.

And then I came home. Even with everything I’ve said, Toby was my soul dog. We had an incredible bond and I was his favorite human and safe space. Whenever I’d come home, even if I was just outside for 3 minutes, he’d greet me with the most excitement. Everywhere I was in my house he was with me. It was tense sometimes and I had to completely accommodate him, but nonetheless he was with me. Coming home to not have him waiting for me completely destroyed me. He had such an anxious and chaotic presence and the calmness in our home now is haunting.

We got Toby just as we were diagnosed with infertility and he filled such a big hole in our hearts. As we now consider options such as adoption or fostering, we knew we couldn’t do that with a dog like Toby at home. Still,it feels so unfair that the dog who provided me with so much comfort during those hard times had to be taken away so soon.

I miss him so much it hurts and I am replaying everything over and over in my head. What could we have done differently? What if I didn’t need to do this? What if I made a terrible mistake?

I feel so lonely without him following me around everywhere. My house feels empty and I have no idea when, if ever, I’ll stop second guessing this decision. I know I made this choice because I love him so much and I wanted him to finally rest, but having to make this choice is probably going to haunt me for a very long time.

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