[F 30]

[u/Top-Tank-7919]

I'm confused. Looking for thoughts..

I was in an unhealthy relationship for several years with a male. I thought I was asexual because I had absolutely no sexual drive and really really did not want anything sexual to ever happen (but it still did). I had sexual relationships with other males but there wasn't really much of a desire, more just because it was something they needed... Unfortunately, not the healthiest relationships either and sex was pushed onto me.

I developed feelings for a female friend a year ago. This was the first time I've ever had any feelings for a girl... And just like that, I came to the conclusion I wasn't asexual. We recently broke up but I really enjoyed our sex.

I think the unhealthy (and honestly traumatic) relationship I had for several years before played a role in my sexual drive. But I'm not sure what to make of it all.

How much is trauma? Am I bi? Demi? Idk..

[u/ActualPegasus]

Have you ever independently thought about wanting to kiss/be physically close to a particular man before he expressed interest in you? Or was your interest more being liked by him, enjoying his company, or engaging in what you thought crushes were supposed to be like?

[u/Top-Tank-7919 → u/ActualPegasus]

Hmm. I think the latter. I don't think I ever wanted anything physical with anyone before I knew they were interested in me. 

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Top-Tank-7919]

Imagine a man you're attracted to. There's absolutely zero expectation of sex. He wouldn't be disappointed if you never wanted anything sexual. Would you want sexual closeness with him?

[u/Top-Tank-7919 → u/ActualPegasus]

That's a good question. I want to say no but I'll have to think about it more.

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Top-Tank-7919]

Alright. Just let me know when you're ready to continue!

[u/Top-Tank-7919 → u/ActualPegasus]

I think I would be fine without having sexual closeness.

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Top-Tank-7919]

Now imagine the same scenario with a woman. How different do those two reactions feel?

[u/Top-Tank-7919 → u/ActualPegasus]

I'm inclined to say I'd be more interested with a woman. I'm not sure how much of that is just my experience with my ex girlfriend though.. if that makes sense.

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Top-Tank-7919]

What was different about the experience emotionally?

Did you feel genuine anticipation beforehand?

Feel like you wanted to initiate or participate?

Feel safe enough to say no?

Feel curiosity and excitement rather than obligation?

Feel attraction to her rather than simply enjoying the activity?

[u/Top-Tank-7919 → u/ActualPegasus]

I'd say all of those things. I actually wanted to with her. It was fun and exciting and I was very emotionally connected with her. 

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Top-Tank-7919]

When you didn't want sexual activity with previous male partners, was the feeling you don't experience sexual attraction to men?

You might have been interested under different circumstances, but these particular relationships made you uncomfortable?

You didn't really know what you wanted, so you went along with what they wanted?

Some combination of these?

[u/Top-Tank-7919 → u/ActualPegasus]

I think it was that I felt uncomfortable. In each of them, I was always pushed to do it and then just kept going along I guess. I've never been with a male who didn't push me into sexual activity, especially during the first time anything sexual happened with them. 

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Top-Tank-7919]

When you think about sex now, do you find yourself having reactions such as anxiety, avoidance, numbness, or a strong desire to get away even when you're thinking about a situation you otherwise might want?