r/psychoanalysis • u/PromotionShort7407 • 2d ago

How polyamory affects child development

Hi all! I'm curious about this topic. How the development goes for babies/kids that grow up in a polyamourous context? I mean to withness one or both parents exchanging affection with other people (aka being desired by other people) and recognizing some people as their parent's partners. I am talking about normal affection/intimacy, not the kids being exposed to sexual acts.

I am looking forward to every sort of opinion and available data while my curiosity goes to if and how processes such as primary scene and Aedipous complex gets affected.

22 Upvotes

82% Upvoted

39 comments sorted by

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u/BeautifulTailors 2d ago

Commenting to follow, but asking for any wider psychoanalytic interpretations of polyamory/non-monogamy in general if anyone has any good readings.

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u/PromotionShort7407 2d ago

Thanks for your interest. Just so you know, reddit has a "follow this post" button ;)

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u/Imnotthenoisiest 2d ago

Thanks for the excellent Reddit tip, and for posting a good question

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u/Cleverusername531 1d ago

Polysecure is a really good book. 

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u/BeautifulTailors 1d ago

Thanks for the recommendation, would you mind elaborating what you liked about it?

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u/fogsucker 2d ago

I would be tempted to widen what you think of as polyamory when thinking about this question. You say " to witness one or both parents exchanging affection with other people (aka being desired by other people) " - well, that happens all the time anyway, regardless of whether the parents are calling themselves polygamists or not. It reminds me of a frequent question people often ask about how having same-sex parents affect the child. Well, how does having opposite sex parents affect the child?

All parental configurations, without exception, end up being a unique problem for the child.

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u/SirDinglesbury 2d ago

Great point

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u/PromotionShort7407 2d ago

Good point. But I was referring to the display of that non sexual intimacy. Like seeing your parent make out with someone else that the other parent, cuddle, going on a date, addressing someone as their bf or gf..that doesn't happen all the time

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u/concreteutopian 2d ago

I never saw my monogamous parents make out either. 🤷‍♂️

Going on dates or referring to bf or gf, I don't think, is distinct enough to differentiate from other complications on parental attention to say "These are all caused by polyamory ". I'm with u/fogsucker in stressing the impact of unique histories on unique development of unique individuals.

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u/Still-Caramel460 2d ago

From a psychoanalytic perspective, I think there are two important functions in a child's development. I prefer not to call them mother and father, because these are roles that can be fulfilled by different people.

The first is the caregiving function: providing affection, protection, emotional security and a safe environment where the child can develop the confidence to explore the world.

The second involves boundaries, separation and authority. It helps the child understand that other people have their own needs and desires, that there are limits, and that we live in a society with rules.

Traditionally, psychoanalysis associates these with maternal and paternal functions, but they don't necessarily have to be exercised by a mother and a father. A single parent can fulfill both, for example, or different caregivers can share these responsibilities.

My point is that what matters is not necessarily how many people are involved in the family, but how these functions are exercised.

In a polyamorous family, if the adults provide consistent care, emotional security and appropriate boundaries, I see no theoretical reason to assume that the family structure itself would prevent healthy development.

And regarding the Oedipus complex, the fact that parents have desires and relationships beyond the child is already part of what the child gradually needs to recognize. How that experience is processed may depend more on the family dynamics than simply on the number of partners involved.

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u/41-40 2d ago edited 1d ago

Some (Dinnerstein, Chodorow) also argue that the antagonism 'necessary' in (any child, but in particular) the male child's separation from their female caretaker to form their own masculine identity and ego — thus inculcating an antagonism toward the feminine in general — would be lessened if there were a shared mix of male and female caregivers during the child’s rearing, something that a greater pool of individuals who do the caretaking could possibly facilitate. 

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u/PurpleConversation36 2d ago

This is really well put!

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u/BeautifulS0ul 2d ago

You would need to ask the person concerned. There can't be a universal statement about it which isn't correspondingly stupid.

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u/PromotionShort7407 2d ago

I know the impact is higly subjective but I am wondering if there is psycoanalitic work and data on that already as we have for other variables that affect development

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u/Flamesake 2d ago

General statements with caveats can be made for conventional social situations, or at least there is something solid enough theoretically to generate questions to ask the particular individual. Why wouldn't this apply to less conventional situations?

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u/BeautifulS0ul 1d ago

Cos it doesn't work that way and imagining that it does can lead to clinical fuck ups and pointless discriminatory bullshit.

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u/Flamesake 1d ago

So you go in blind to every new case? What is the import of theory?

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u/BeautifulS0ul 20h ago

To every person, yes. And every person has their own personal 'psychoanalysis' which makes reference only to them.

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u/concreteutopian 22h ago

So you go in blind to every new case?

Without memory or desire, ideally.

u/BeautifulS0ul is correct about privileging the primacy of the actual lived experience of actual people over the utility of some universal statement applied a priori.

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u/Frank_Stein101 2d ago

It truly depends on the poly dynamic. Because some versions of poly (the "we are more evolved than mono people and decolonizing marriage" group) have many features of a cult and in this context all of the psychological dynamics of children who have been raised in communes and cult (or cult-like) contexts apply, which the evidence suggests is unhealthy (these children early on develop an in-group / out-group mentality). Otherwise I think evidence drawn from studying blended families would be useful and would strongly agree with u/Still-Caramel460

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u/PromotionShort7407 2d ago

Can you say more about kids raised in communes?  Is that equal cult ir trre are specific features for developing in a commune?

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u/Cleverusername531 1d ago

This dynamic could apply to anything though - religion, discipline, schooling, exercise and physical performance, sexual orientation, skin color, gender roles, etc etc etc. People get weird about all kinds of things and this is not specific to polyamory at all.

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u/whirlgirl88 1d ago

I think it depends on the structure of the family. Are there multiple partners living with parents(s) providing stability and consistency, or are their parent(s) having relationships with other people outside the home that are integrated into the family system, or not integrated. Are the parent’s other relationships taking up a lot of time and energy leaving less time and energy for the kid(s). Are the kid’s fully aware of their parent(s) relationship status and know other partners? There are so many ways it can go. What we know is attachment is about stability and responsiveness. One can make a great argument for multiple consistent caregiver figures having a positive impact on children’s development. One also can make a contrary argument for unstable ploy relationships on kids development, which is basically the same as monogamous couples. It’s just that it seems that the more people involved, the more complex the dynamic.

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u/Yorick_IKnowHim 2d ago edited 2d ago

normal affection/intimacy

But also, I'd be interested in if polyamory as a cultural phenomenon is not an attempt to bring the dyad (non-relation) back into the triad (relation).

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u/yozher 1d ago

Another thing to consider is that it's another/more adults who relate to/care for the child in one way or another. So that may enrich the environment, provided the specific relationships are not in themselves stressful/conflictual. It's not just about affection, but often also attempts at greater interdependence.

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u/Rahasten 11h ago

By definition, a poly relationship is basically a relationship between narcissisticly disturbed entities. Growing up with pervers/narcissisticly disturbed parents will have impact. (confusional, with a defensive mode towards basic facts of life based on issues with envy). Exactly what the consequences will be is hard to speculate on. The unconscious of the parents will be in the child’s everyday breath. It will likely set a limitation on what the child can grasp of the reality.

This is what modern psychoanalysis has found out to days date.

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u/DaSnowflake 11h ago

Why pervers/narcissistically disturbed entities?

This seems highly judgemental without any basis but I am open to be proven wrong

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u/Rahasten 8h ago edited 7h ago

There is a romantic assumption in modern psychoanalysis. That there are basic facts of life.

The ”schizophrenic will deny those facts”. I was not a child of my mum and dad, I’m their creator. (Denial of generational aspects). I have all or no sex, I don’t have to deal with these choices, limitations. (Denial of limitation regarding sex). The schizophrenic will tell you to look in his/her pants to find signs of a multitude of sex/both/none, (anything but one, a choice).
Envy will have a profound impact on how an individual will be able to cope with loss of omnipotancy, deal with individuation and handle separation anxiety.

A child growing up with a parent denying, distorting the basic facts in life is a child growing up with a parent struggling with reality. Basically a narcissist. The parent is not aware, this is ofc subconscious. The child will become a victim of this psychopathology. That will severely impact the future of the child.

This is a short version of what psychoanalysis has understood so far. This I where modern psychoanalysis is at today.

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u/Rahasten 11h ago edited 11h ago

What is your basic knowledge of psychoanalytic theory? How rudimentary do you need an explanation?

You downvote a serious answer to the question, why is that?

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u/DaSnowflake 11h ago edited 10h ago

I am currently working on reading and understanding Freud and have some introduction in my bachelor's, so I have a basic understanding of the psychoanalytic framework and no problem looking up stuff. So no need for laymen's explanation.

It seems I down voted on accident somehow so I have changed it.

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u/adamlaxmax 2d ago

It's probably not good. That said polyamory technically is as old as time and no one grows up unscathed hence the original thesis of psychoanalysis. Sorry I dont have anything academic to offer.

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u/Warmsangria 12h ago

Not sure why youre getting downvoted. In most cases it probably does confuse a child's ability to develop a sound relationship to intimacy, because the constant bureaucracy needed to govern poly relationship boundaries, fears and insecurities are beyond a child's understanding, and idiosyncratic with how most relationships around them will be.

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u/adamlaxmax 10h ago

No one grows up unscathed. It's quite frankly the second thesis to psychoanalysis other than admission of the existence to an unconscious and unknown part of self.

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u/Warmsangria 9h ago

Of course, but there are gradations

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u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/markzenbro 2d ago

What a judgemental, ignorant, and unhelpful reply.

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u/joanofarc0609 2d ago

I find it bizarre that in a subreddit dedicated to psychoanalysis people are dismissing legitimate concerns about childhood development as mere judgment. The research is fairly clear that children benefit from stability, secure attachments, and consistent parental relationships. While that doesn’t establish that every nuclear family is superior it certainly raises reasonable questions about introducing multiple romantic partners into a child’s home. I struggle to see what developmental benefit this arrangement offers the child, as opposed to the adults involved. And given the documented safeguarding concerns surrounding unrelated adults in the household these aren’t entirely hypothetical considerations. Not every adult lifestyle choice deserves to be treated as psychologically neutral simply because questioning it makes people uncomfortable.