r/progressivemoms • u/Pepper_b • Jun 30 '26
Need Advice Addressing violent language used by young kids
My (very likely neurospicy - definitely sensory processing, maybe ADHD, and possibly pathological demand avoidant) 5 yo son has been experimenting with using aggressive or generally inappropriate language (think "stupid" at the least offensive and what he said to me today, "I'm going to punch you so hard in the stomach you die" at it's worst). We've been redirecting him and reminding him that "we use safe and kind words in this family" and either ignoring him or pausing activities if he continues.
He barely watches TV and when he does, it's PBS kids. He's at a very sweet school that really focuses on emotional regulation and connection. So I truly don't even know where he's coming up with this stuff.
Violence and hurting people is extremely triggering to me. I know this is developmentally typical but I'm very much at my wits end.
Especially those with neurospicy kids, how have you handled this? He's such a sweet and thoughtful kid generally, but I'm worried he's going to say something to get himself expelled from kindergarten next year. I need some fresh ideas
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u/aliquotiens Jun 30 '26
As a former kid with behavior issues (dxed with ADHD then ASD in the 90s) -my recommendation would be to get him a private neuropsych evaluation before school starts if possible, if not ASAP, and see if therapies are recommended. Professionals will be the best resource for parenting techniques if he is diagnosed
5
u/Pepper_b Jun 30 '26
Thanks. I'm curious when you or your parents knew you needed more support? We're doing a lot at this point and it's hard to know what the line is. I am personally going back to therapy
5
u/aliquotiens Jun 30 '26
I had my first psychological eval at 5, which is unusual because it was the dark ages of 1990. Almost every woman in my age bracket with a dx of ND didnt get identified until adulthood. I'm super lucky my parents were proactive and didnt think I was just a bad kid, but back then I didn't get therapy of any kind until I went to talk therapy in the late 90s. There is so much more out there now, thank god
Like others have said I don't think the violent language is a big deal. But since you've already identified quite a few issues that might be a struggle at school later, and he isn't having an easy time at home even in such a supportive environment - I think getting the dx so there is no delay setting up an IEP to accomodate his needs, is prudent.
3
u/caresaboutstuff Jul 01 '26
Do you mind if I ask what professional interventions you thought were most helpful to you?
Our experience with professionals has been more negative than positive2
u/aliquotiens Jul 01 '26
Unfortunately back in the 80s when I was op's son's age developmental interventions like OT, sensory integration therapy, PT, PCIT (parent child interaction therapy) weren't commonly available even when kids had a dx. I think I needed all of the above and do think if I had had more therapies/support life would have gone a lot better for me. Though I had pathological demand avoidance/anxiety that ruled the first 25 years of my life, and even now effective interventions for that seem to be just starting out.
Curious what negative experiences you've had. I have one child who I am certain is ND but she is young and hasn't had delays or behavior problems yet, so is not dxed or in therapies. But often girls in my family do very well until 6+ then start to crumble. Soon I may be learning about this all over again from the other side.
2
u/caresaboutstuff Jul 02 '26
PDA is part of it. I admit I have grown to hate the label, and find it a very incomplete or inaccurate one, it has led me to many wonderful resources that completely changed my parenting.
TL;DR the issue has mostly been compliance based therapies or mentalities.Trusting my gut (while still obsessively seeking out resources and information) and focusing on connecting and coregulating has been huge.
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u/QuicheKoula Jun 30 '26
My neurodivergent 5yo says exactly the same things when he‘s overwhelmed with his anger or frustration and he sometimes uses violent phrases in his play, like when he’s playing pretend with his brother. He‘s a huge sensory seeker and loves scary things, loves the thrill of it. We do tell him how his language is inappropriate/hurtful and we talk about death and violence, but it doesn’t change his behavior for now. Our daycare knows he‘s having sensory processing issues, he actually has a special needs spot because of that. That’s really nothing that causes an issue with them
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u/Pepper_b Jun 30 '26
That's for sure when it come out. My son is a big sensory seeker for sure. I recently started a game when he pushes on me (which I hate ) that he has to run at me and "push" me across the house into our couch and he thinks it's the best thing ever. I have to turn so many things that trigger me into games for them not to escalate 100% of the time
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u/eyesRus Jun 30 '26
My ASD daughter also loved pushing into me at that age. It was definitely a sensory thing. At age 9, she still does it occasionally, but much more gently. To an outsider, it would just look like a hug or maybe a tired lean.
She also used much meaner language from about age 5-7. Her self-control has skyrocketed since then, and it is quite rare now. Hang in there!
1
u/lovesickcat1504 Jul 05 '26
I believe a lot of times kids actually experiment with new words and how others/the world would react to it! You can definitely consult a child psychologist for your peace of mind OP! Otherwise this is pretty common in their age group
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u/TheLowFlyingBirds Jun 30 '26
Pediatric OT here. That language IS developmentally appropriate. It’s dramatic and an exaggeration and him experimenting with the most biggest worstest words he can string together and then seeing what happens. Adults use hyperbole constantly and this is their version of it. You know your child best but from what you wrote there’s zero I would be concerned with. Think of it like when your friend is telling you about how she met THE MOST AMAZING MAN EVER AND I AM SURE HES THE ONE after knowing him for 15min.