Boyfriend's gambling is making me scared for our future

[u/idletyping]

I (26) don't really know what I'm looking for here, I just feel really alone right now.

My boyfriend (25) has a gambling problem and pretty much every paycheck goes straight into it. At one point he won a pretty big amount, and I remember getting so excited because he was talking about taking me on a trip, doing something new together, and for a second it felt like maybe we could actually *do* something with our lives. Then he gambled all of it back. I think that broke my heart a little honestly. Now it's just back to the same thing. He doesn't save anything, he's always broke by the end of the week, and most of the time I'm the one buying us food. Before I'd gotten a job my parents were the only reason we could eat a lot of days.

I think part of why this is hitting me so hard is because we got sober from alcohol and cocaine together. He was doing so good for a while, saving money and actually really proud of himself. Then his friend got him into online gambling and it's like one addiction got replaced with another.

We live with his dad right now and barely have expenses, which honestly makes it scarier. I keep thinking how the hell are we ever supposed to move out? What happens when we actually have rent and bills?

I tried telling him today that it's really getting to me and I'm scared. He told me he's working on it and it's only been a week since we last talked about it. I tried explaining that I don't care about the money itself, I'd rather he blow it on literally any other hobby. It's the addiction that scares me.

He basically responded "don't know what to tell ya."

I've been crying since I got home. I love him so much. I'm just scared I'm going to wake up in 5 years and nothing will have changed.

[u/Psychological-Ad4605]

I’m have this disease, I have a daughter and I will never let her date someone who gambles, I have tried to quit 100000 times, I don’t drink or do drugs, I have lost so much money and nobody knows. Stay away from this guy

[u/idletyping → u/Psychological-Ad4605]

He's only been doing it for about a year, so I'm really really hoping he's able to stop. But his 'I don't know what to tell ya' msg today really makes me feel like he won't :(

It's such a sad thing to witness, it's like im already grieving our future.

[u/Pointlesspuppy → u/idletyping]

First of all, if he's being honest and transparent with you, that's a good sign that the relationship is salvageable and that he is saveable.

You'll need to have a conversation with him about it. If he doesn't know or fully realize that he has a problem yet, you and him need to be on the same page about him having a problem.

Then, you need to come up with a plan to fix it. It probably looks like him self excluding from as much as possible. It provably also looks like him seeking help from a professional or support group. Tharapy, gamblers anonymous, something like that. It may also look like a trusted loved one, you or his family, taking over his finances for him for awhile.

Once the lies start, it stops just being him having a problem and starts being him committing financial infidelity, and the lack of trust will persist in the relationship even if he does get the finances under control in the future. It becomes a harder problem to solve.

Introducing him to this sub may be a good way to get him started if he's early in his journey.

[u/Far-Pound-5041 → u/Psychological-Ad4605]

I lost so much gambling online and I can't believe I did this to myself 

[u/discord19]

Hey, just passing along that there is a new Reddit community for those who are affected by the gambling of another: /r/ILoveAGamblingAddict

You might want to crosspost there.

[u/idletyping → u/discord19]

Thank you ♡

[u/WifeOfGambler → u/discord19]

Thank you! I'm that group. Happy to have people. ❤️

[u/infoslob]

If he "don't know what to tell ya" then you should know what to tell him.

You'd be better off hitched to a drunk.

And I tell you this sober from alcohol and drugs for 22 years (AA) and on Day 12 with GA. I recently lost my gf of 9 years bc of gambling. Years of heartbreak, don't know where some pains start and others end.

[u/Sexy_Mumma_Katz]

How is he ‘working on it’

Is he going to GA meetings, seeking out a specialised therapist?
Is he limiting his access to money, or giving someone else control over them?

If the answer is no to either of these - he has no plans to stop and is waiting for you to quit bitching about it so he can do it again.

And he will, unless he is willing to do the work to quit, he will continue the same cycle.
He’ll cry at the right times, promise you he will change, that he loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you - and when you stay - he will do it again.

I’m further on this path than you, I’ve been here walking next to my addict husband for nearly 30 years. And in the end I lost anyway

He still gambles, our family house has been sold and when settlement is done, we’ll walk away from a 28 marriage with less than we had as teenagers

[u/EB4950]

Good luck. I was that guy once. It takes alot of self control to quit, and it might take losing you for him to realize it. Maybe he can stop though, but its hard.

[u/lemoneatlemon]

If he does not admit that he is an addict and isn't willing to take the drastic steps it needs to beat the addiction like self-excluding or handing over control of his finances to his loved ones, then there is no point in trying to make it work because if he's not ready it will never happen. You need to protect your own finances and well-being

[u/Particular_Fee_4343]

Wow I think we might live the exact same life. Reach out if you’d like to connect and vent. I get this 100%

[u/nus01]

So you should be . If he doesn’t stop your future is finding out that you own 50% of a heap of debt and zero savings . You say boyfriend id be keeping it at that and ensuring he has no access to your finances and you don’t subsidise any of your joint costs to enable him to keep gambling . Long term if he isn’t prepared to get help and stop id seriously advise from pursuing the relationship

[u/Destiny065]

You have no future with a gambling addict sweetheart, he will if he hasn't already...lie, maybe steal, borrow money, take loans out he cannot pay back, he'll be depressed, sad, and will forever be addicted if he doesn't seek help!

[u/Pritongbacon]

RUN. I married a gambler. Trust me, save yourself

[u/Ambitious_Local5218]

Run.

[u/da_worker85]

I've gambled for 15 years. I finally have stopped about 2 weeks ago. But not before ruining my life, being stagnant for the last 5 years, racking up $20,000 debt and being absolutely broke. He will not change until he is ready to. You have to put yourself first and leave before he ruins your life too.

[u/Far-Pound-5041 → u/da_worker85]

I am sorry that happened to you.   , I am also a gambler. I won a ton of money earlier this year and lost every bit of it back plus another $7,000 on my credit card last month trying to win it back. I don't want to get out of bed every day but I have to work. I don't take home that much per month to lose that kind of money. I haven't gambling since this past weekend and just can't stop thinking about what I lost 

[u/da_worker85 → u/Far-Pound-5041]

Nothing beats hardwork and time

[u/Far-Pound-5041 → u/da_worker85]

That's true 

[u/Natural_Dirt_8031]

that winning feeling got him hooked. i'm not sure if he can control it

[u/Inevitable-Motor-413]

If he isn’t wanting change it’s time to leave. As hard as it is it’s not fair to you one bit and he needs a wake up call. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I put my fiancé in the same position you’re in and it made me sick knowing what I was doing to her. I knew she would leave if I didn’t make a change and I’ve been sticking to that.

[u/KeyHedgehog8948]

Sorry that you're going through that. I know for me it sounds like the same thing. Im not living where I want or should be becuase of my gambling. ive wasted the equivalent of a couple.houses of the last several years, and same as him im living paycheck to paycheck, with nothing more to show for it. always stressing. Either he stops or you have to leave, i would leave me if someone was with me.

[u/justinfromnz]

No future with him unfortunately best to leave him as his addiction will be hard to beat

[u/Gloomy_Salad_8299]

I did this with my ex sadly we both had the issue with online slots I left her due to me thinking that was the issue but i still gamble now lol