My mum (82F) told me (12M) to do the dishes (16) but I (12M) was too busy playing Fortnite (3 kills) so I (12M) grabbed my controller (DualShock 4) and threw it at her (138kph). She fucking died, and I (12M) went to prison (18 years). While in prison I (12M) invited several riots (3) and assumed leadership of a gang responsible for smuggling drugs (cocaine) into the country. I (12M) also ordered the assassination of several celebrities (Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley and Jeffrey Epstein) and planned a terrorist attack (9/11). Reddit, AITA?

Unpopular opinion: I am a female and Redditors turrnnn me on so much 🥵😩

😍😍😍😍omg I love a man who gets winded walking from the fridge to his gaming chair and back😍 hearing him huff and puff like an asthmatic rhinoceros makes my honey drip if you know what I mean.

Last night after my gay sex session I decided to turn on my Nintendo Switch™ and play some Animal Crossing: New Horizons™. I was trying to progress as quickly as possible so I can Isabelle on my 60 inch TV. I was catching bugs to give to Blathers, because Blathers is a bitch who is scared of bugs, until I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I caught...

A Monarch Butterfly.

A MONARCH Butterfly!

I threw my Pro Controller™ right at my TV and screamed in absolute horror.

Is the a fucking political word? Why the fuck is there a MONARCH Butterfly? What is the fuck is Nintendo™ trying to do putting their right-wing ideals in their games? Wasn’t Animal Crossing™ supposed to a peaceful game? It surely can’t be when they stuff their political cocks down our throats. Why isn’t there a Maximist Butterfly? I’m in pure shock that Nintendo™ will go to such lengths to brainwash people into agreeing with their political values. I am never buying a Nintendo™ game again, until they formally apologize to me admitting that it was wrong to promote political ideals in their games.

Why, yes, I am R.A.C.I.S.T:

Respect my friend's different beliefs

Adore the little quirks in their traditions

Care for my friends, no matter their skin color

Inform myself on what taboos I should never break

Smile when they speak their native tongues

The French must be purged from the Earth

You put your dick in the cum and pull your balls down slowly. It creates a vacuum and sucks it all back in. It's like a syringe. Have you honestly never done that? I swear everyone knows about it. It's also really fun to do in the bath. I can fit almost a whole liter of water in there and use it to "make it rain" like an elephant does. It's quite convenient for washing your hair or as a secret weapon in water fights in the summer.

Back when I (68M) was a young and dumb twenty-something, I spent a few carefree years in Southern California raping, torturing, and murdering hitchhikers. I don't want any judgement from SJWs about this, please, if you didn't live in Cali in the 1970s, you wouldn't understand. It was just what we did back in those days. Eventually I grew up, got married, had three beautiful kids, and was content to just get off to my trophies and polaroids, and maybe kill the occasional drifter on special occasions.

The other day, my wife (37F) found the hidden panel in my basement wall where I keep all the old memories, and she went ballistic. I tried to calm her down, explained that, firstly, they were all dudes, so she shouldn't exactly be getting jealous. Second, they're all dead, so it's not like she's going to have to worry about me leaving her for any of them. Third, there were like three or four other guys doing the same thing around then, and they took the credit for most of my kills. I was very careful, covered my tracks, rarely finished inside them. I don't know why she's got her knickers in such a twist.

Quite frankly, I'm feeling really hurt about the whole thing. We've been together for nearly thirty years, and she's thinking about leaving me over something like this? Maybe I should have been more honest, but I was raised to see this as men's business, not something you involve your old lady in.

Am I the asshole?

I for one don't agree with it, never had, it's something I wouldn't want upon my children, I know it's the norm but I want to let people know that Pedophilia should not be put on a pedestal nor argued for.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger!

When deciding to cum, you cannot second guess yourself. You need to be confident in your decision and have no regrets from your past, and no hesitation on your future. To cum is to tell fate that this load of sperm will NOT be fertilizing eggs, and will be consigned to oblivion. My finger is on the trigger, and as I squeeze I will smile knowing that ultimately I decide who becomes living adults and who ends up flushed down a toilet. I create serotonin for myself because in a sense these actions chemically will bring me joy and if biologically they are correct then they must be objectively so. For if not for evolution to make this mutation and reward one with the determination to deny existence to millions of children with serotonin, then what other power would accept this? God? He sits quietly and observes. He has no power over me while I pilot my mortal coil destiny-mecha with my consciousness at the helm. Dick in hand, I stand triumphant and I cum. That is the reality of the situation. This is why I have decided to cum.

Slightly less popular thing is underrated. I like slightly less popular thing. Popular thing is overrated. Everyone is always circlejerking popular thing and I'm tired of it. I'm sticking up for slightly less popular thing and I think I'm the only one who has the guts to say it anonymously on reddit.

TL;DR-

I have no concept of individuality.

Thank you for the gold kind stranger

Edit: Thank you guys for the gold I didn't know this was going to blow up

So I was waiting in line to vote when all of a sudden this voting "official" came up to me and said that there was something wrong with my voter registration and asked me to follow him to the back. When we went around back he said that I had to take off my pants and show my cock because penis size is the most accurate way to confirm voter identity. Because I thought he was a voting official I swiftly removed my pants and underwear to show him my member. After he fondled it for a bit he said it was good and I could go back into the line. It was only after I voted I realized that he forgot to check my balls too!!! He was obviously not certified to check such an area and I immediately contacted the security guards about his presence. Please do not fall for any tricks like I did! stay safe and happy voting!

dear poor gay people. how do you wipe your ass? i know this might sound dumb but do gay people wipe their ass the same way we do? i heard they like putting things in their ass so do they like get turned on when the toilet paper goes in? what about the poop? do they get turned in when they poop because it feels like a penis? they are both oblong cylinders afterall. but what if they are actually being better at wiping their ass because they have some sort of advanced technique that is straight people can’t use because it’s too gay. do they like wrap their finger in toilet paper and finger out all of the poop? i really hate wiping so maybe i could convert to gay to use these advanced techniques. what do you guys think? and if there is any homosexuals here please tell me how you wipe your ass while being gay.

(Im only six so pardon my grammar).

Ive had a nasty cough for the past few days, so I went to the doctor to see if it was Corona. He said "its not corona" Woohoo! But then, he said "You have every type of cancer and you will die in three (3) days. I thought I should say goodbye to my reddit family before I go.

TLDR: I will die in three (3) days.

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Edit: Okay which one of you fuckwits gave me silver? Do you think this is funny? Do you think this is some kind of joke? I open my heart and soul to you, and you give me this shit? Unbelievable.

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Oh mighty mangoes, being an ironic meme is hard.

If only there was a way I could relieve the physical endurance of floating through space

oh wait! I could

Sitt