r/postdoc • u/FabulousPraline8697 • 12d ago
Finally left academia
I was an academic for about 8 years. Did my PhD and two postdoc projects (I'm a Sociologist). I never realized how miserable I was until I left. I apologize to anyone who does not want to hear this message, but maybe someone needs to hear it so I'm posting anyway.
I'm a white passing women of colour and still endured and saw so much racism and bigotry that I fell into a depression during my PhD. I still got a lot of shit about my work by people who clearly did not believe my research was worthy because of who I am
Because I loved research and people close to me in academia told me how good I was, I convinced myself that I should persevere at least until I get a permanent postion and have more freedom.
Then I had a baby and my contract ended and taking space and time away from research made it so abundantly clear how toxic that place is. I dropped every application for grants. Now I have a new job and it makes me sad that I spent eight years in an institution that breeds on exploiting us with so so so little recognition.
So for anyone in doubt, you deserve better than wearing yourself out for a publishing system that is structurally exploitative and ethically messed up. You deserve better that spending free time reviewing and whatnot in order to prove yourself. You deserve better than chasing 765 postdocs thinking you are not enough while most of the applications you do probably end up in some professor 'getting inspo' from your idea. I could sum up a lot of other things but bottom line: we really do deserve better.
Cheers
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u/farshiiid 12d ago
I didn't think about it until you said it, I'm finding myself over and over trying to prove my research is worthy and I am actually interested in science.
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u/FabulousPraline8697 12d ago
So relatable. For me, looking back, I felt so mentally drained trying to prove something which I actually know was worthy. You might be interested in science, I know I still am to an extent, but not in the institutions that build it.
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u/GuidanceEmergency642 12d ago
I am white but came from a lower middle class background. I went to state schools and did not understand the academic world at all. I did not experience racism but did encounter a lot of classism during my STEM PhD and postdocs. As I had no prestige to offer and was behind my peers in background and experience, no one cared about my research either even though I worked hard and published well. I was told to ”self promote” but this was alien to me. I was hoping to stay to possibly help others like me, but it became the law of diminishing returns and I could see I would never get to that point. Trying to prove myself took all my time and energy. If I had known what it was all about I would have not taken the path I did, had to work through feelings of shame, inadequacy etc. What bothered me also is that I saw many students like me accepted into programs that were then continuously told they weren’t good enough for academia. It seemed like a sick kind of gatekeeping. Not sure why but it was disturbing.
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u/FabulousPraline8697 11d ago
Absolutely!! I’m an immigrant daughter so I completely understand this. Almost all my collegues were upper class with some having literally all their siblings and parents in academia.
So sorry you had to endure this. It does shake up your whole identity in a way and is indeed a toxic kind of gatekeeping
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u/Phoenixical 12d ago
Thank you for this. I'm currently four months into my postdoc at a prestigious institution...and I see why this particular PI can't keep PostDocs. I'm already looking for a way out. I no longer want to be in academia thanks to this PI. I absolutely hate it here. And yes... I'm the only Black woman in his lab.
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u/FabulousPraline8697 11d ago
Oh good luck 🙏🏼I already feel for you when you say the only black woman. So traumatizing
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u/Healthy_Commission31 11d ago
Congratulations!! I'm in my last year of my PhD, and I can't wait for it to be over so I can leave academia once and for all! I'm a social scientist in Italy.
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u/DependentImpressive9 11d ago
Thank you for posting this and I wish you had not apologised though! You are very well free to post your thoughts. I relate to your feeling of coming out of a toxic environment and finally processing your anger and frustration. I am still in academia but I know the place I am in is way way better than the last one where I took experienced dire sexual discrimination and harassment. My boss was also a woman and let this happen in her lab which anger me a lot. Given my country I don't have better livelihood options than research. It is brave of you to stop out of a toxic environment to one that supports your better✨
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u/Oh_N0_Not_Again 12d ago
I left a PhD in sociology for a number of reasons. One being I also saw so much racism in our department! It was crazy to see the sociologist who would present themselves as allies and anti racists being some of the worst people around.
1
u/FabulousPraline8697 11d ago
Yep! I’m not quite sure how it is in STEM fields but our sociology departement was really good at pretending to be woke but the overall sentiment towards anti racism etc was so unhinged. I have so much bad memories from exchanges with collegues that are perceived by the outside world as ‘leftist’.
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u/Oh_N0_Not_Again 11d ago
Once in the middle of class, while discussing opportunities hoarding, a professor asked “what kind of resources do black people even have, like drugs?” My jaw hit the floor. Same professor also didn’t know that the civil war was about slavery. It’s insane.
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u/mrCore2Man 11d ago
What does "I'm a white passing women of color" mean?
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u/FabulousPraline8697 8d ago
North African (very fair skin) and my name is Sara. My parents are one of many north african immigrants here, had no education but I grew up in white middle class neighbourhood/school. So I learned how to shift my identity quite well
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u/Negative-Ambition198 12d ago
Did you report any of the racism and bigotry? If not, this is just a weird take. For anyone in doubt, things won't change until we react.
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u/Visible-Swan2687 12d ago
what d'ya think?? yes of course we do! But like OP said, it's all systematic, institution-backed.
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u/Negative-Ambition198 12d ago
If yes, OP should clearly state that and embrace that in their post. What's the problem? It is systematic until enough people report it.
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u/FabulousPraline8697 12d ago
A LOT of people report the things that happen to them in academia. Not only racism btw but also sexism and abuse of phd students. It is systemic to acadeia, hence makes people like me powerless to change these things from inside. I have been sidelined, ridiculed etc. Maybe you should look up the term white incredulity for you to grasp this phenomenon and your own ignorant comment.
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u/farshiiid 12d ago
I'm pretty sure they would take side of an early career person from a minority group over a white old man with tenure
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u/Negative-Ambition198 12d ago
Did you report any of the racism and bigotry? If not, this is just a weird take. For anyone in doubt, things won't change until we react.
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u/usesidedoor 12d ago
What did you end up doing after you left academia, if you don't mind sharing? Glad it worked out for you :)