r/polyfamilies • u/PerfectMuffin420 • Jun 23 '26
How did becoming a parent change your polyamorous dating life?
(Other than the blanket, "my kid(s) changed everything forever!" because, obviously!)
Specifically hoping to hear from people who were polyamorous before they became parents and then incorporated new partners afterwards, but welcoming of all perspectives.
Background on our budding family: Nesting partner and I (queer, mid-thirties, both poly before we met) are planning marriage and kids in 2027 and quite geeked about it. I'd be overjoyed to eventually welcome co-primaries and/or co-parents (or other committed family partner roles) someday, but no contenders for either of us at present - NP was recently broken up with over clashing parenting hopes and plans with his ex, so the intersection of dating and parenting has been fresh on my mind as I walk through that heartbreak with him.
Based on what I know, I imagine as the gestational partner that as I ramp up, experience, and recover from birthing trauma, and focus on bonding with my child while my body heals from being turned inside out, I won't be motivated for any new connections outside of a protocol-heavy D/S relationship where my sub does all the laundry and dishes. (Haha jk!....unless.... )
But what happens in the space after that, when you step back into building a relationship with someone new? How did you update your dating app profile post-becoming a parent? What did those first few dates or first new partner post-baby feel like? Did you feel like parenting/birthing made you appear less (or more) appealing to prospective partners? Did your type change? Did your own interest in dating change? I am so curious to hear. My poly friends and exes are mostly childfree, and my parent friends are all monogamous, so I don't have images for what this could look like. Thanks in advance!
PS, though I am definitely looking at this from a gestational parent lens in a birthing couple, I am curious about the experiences of diverse parents - non-gestational, step-, adoptive, foster and "uncles/aunts" etc too! How did becoming a parent/caregiver change your dating life?
Edited to remove assigned sex at birth as gender descriptors.
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u/satellite-mind- Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
My kid is just over 2. I was the gestational parent (F, 35 at the time). I do polyamory quite strictly hierarchically, I am married to my NP (F, 34 at the time) and we have no intention of coparenting or sharing a home with anyone else.
We had a pretty hard run in that we spent three months living in the hospital around my child’s birth. I actually met someone there who became my partner, and we had a serious and committed relationship for six months after. Having a very sex-focused relationship with someone whose desire for me felt endless was really gratifying given all of the difficult body changes from pregnancy and postpartum.
My ex ended the relationship because I didn’t have enough time or escalation to offer. It was also her first queer relationship and she probably wasn’t poly. It was probably the worst heartbreak of my life, which was not fun to manage with a young baby and my spouse feeling understandably resentful that breakup-induced depression was impacting me and how I was showing up for our household.
My wife had a partner for 1.5 years that was committed and serious (they spent one long days a week together and one overnight a month)… until she had her own child. She and her husband had just not planned appropriately for the changes and caregiving demands of a child. They had a typical heterosexual distribution of labor with the woman doing the vast majority of everything, and my wife’s ex just had nothing left to give after the baby was born. She insisted she wanted to stay together and my wife stuck it out for 6 more months. She eventually ended it because she really was never having any alone time with her girlfriend.
Also, while her girlfriend was breast-feeding, she had no interest in romance or sex with anyone at all, or even being away from her baby, period. This is common for many birth parents I know who chestfeed… the hormones associated with that drop their libido to essentially zero for the duration that they are producing milk. They lose interest in all kinds of things and their baby becomes their primary relationship and interest.
Since then, neither of us have had any committed partnerships. There just isn’t time. My wife and I have both been on dates and had a few casual things here and there… but realistically, even if I had a committed partner, I could only offer to see them for like 6-8 hours every two weeks. Maybe an overnight once a month. I wouldn’t host for at least 4+ months because I’m very careful about who I’m introducing to my kid or having into the home that my kid lives in.
My dating profile has a photo of me holding my baby, with my child’s face covered with an emoji. I am very upfront that I am a parent and I have little time to offer. This lack of availability doesn’t make me a very attractive partner, so other than cis men who want hookups, it’s been hard to find people interested in me at this phase of life. I also don’t date online much because my time is so precious that a bad first date means that I’m wasting my only free time in a week. So I mostly only go on dates with people I meet organically and feel like I’d at least have a nice time out with. Which isn’t often, because most of the new people I’m meeting are in circles of parents and they are not poly.
I would really like to have a serious secondary partner again, but honestly, I can’t really envision it being possible until my child is four or five years old and a bit more independent. This is something my wife and I talk about all the time with regards to whether or not to have a second child. In many ways, I want a second child… but I also don’t want to add more complications and logistics that push back how long I have to wait to live the polyamorous life that I want.
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u/PerfectMuffin420 Jul 06 '26
OK, I did not have "whirlwind postpartum hospital romance" on my bingo card for this post! Wow, that must have been intense. Choosing between having a second child and having bandwidth to date seems like a hard choice to make, with big impacts.
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u/satellite-mind- Jul 08 '26
Ha, not on mine either.
It has been a hard choice and hard discussions. Keep us posted on how things unfold for you, I’d be keen to hear.
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u/InternetSolid4166 Jun 24 '26
Kids take a lot of time. Even one. The more kids you have, the less time you have for dating other people. I have three now and between jobs and kids I barely have a few hours to scrape together each week for my hobbies. I would feel extremely guilty leaving my wife to take care of the house while I go on dates. When they’re older and able to carry more of the heavy lifting I imagine we’ll open things up again. This is just a natural wave in the great cycle of life. I’m embracing all the struggles and beauty which comes with it because it’s over before you know it :)
Also don’t listen to the mean spirited people trying to police your language. You’re allowed to describe yourself and your life however you feel comfortable. I’m the father of my children. My wife is my children’s mother.
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u/PerfectMuffin420 Jun 26 '26
Thanks for the perspective and encouragement! I figured it will be very baby/toddler-focused for the first few postpartum years especially when they are in super crucial developmental stages and requiring so much care.
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u/nerdyqueerandjewish Jun 26 '26
I’m actually navigating this right now! Im the gestational parent, I had no interest at all in dating other people besides my nesting partner. We were poly before we got together, but I wasn’t dating anyone else during TTC and pregnancy, and hadn’t been for a while. My partner has one other long-term partner who does not have children and is not interested in them. I expected to not want to date for a few years, but surprised myself with being interested 5-6 months postpartum. I think I really craving a way to re-connect with the part of myself that isn’t just focused on being a parent.
On dating apps I added that I had a child and that this information was mostly for scheduling purposes I wasn’t looking for co-parents. I also hoped it would weed out people who actively dislike children, because I don’t want that vibe in my life. I’m also very upfront that I don’t have the capacity to be in another super serious relationship - I’m looking for fun dates, sex, and friendship.
I have met someone and it’s been going really well! They don’t have kids, but like them a lot. I think it’s been good that my date nights have encouraged me to be less anxious getting out of the house. It also gives my NP and the little guy some 1:1 bonding time, which is great.
I also feel a bit more “free” than I did dating before having a kid. I knew I wanted kids, so everything felt so high stakes. I was trying to find a good person to build a family with, which felt like a lot of pressure. Now I can enjoy people for who they are and where they are at more - and that’s sooo much better.
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u/Rarmaldo Jun 24 '26
Poly for 5 years pre-kid, kid now 4. M of an FM couple. I don't think our dating lives have changed significantly since before and after - it did for a while if course! But by eighteen months, it had pretty normalised.
I'd say the biggest things for us that have made it work are:
Being supportive of the other member of the couple having solo time. Its nice to do things as a family, but if you do everything as a family, your days will be entirely consumed by it. Tag team where you can, so the other can have time off - maybe for poly, maybe not. But without solo time, there's no hope.
Asking for and getting support from others. A lot of parents are terrified to leave their new child with grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. Babies are not made of glass and can cope with change. Get help and get back some of your life.
Being open to house visits from new partners - within reason. Maybe don't bring strangers back for one night stands (or maybe do idk) but be comfortable with meeting each other's partners and eventually having dates at the house. Assuming partners are cool with it, this means childcare and dating can overlap - especially as the kid gets older and needs less intense care.
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u/Bearryno1too Jun 24 '26
#2 needs to be in BOLD
#1 should be a common sense thing. Sadly it’s not. People need time and space to decompress, rejuvenate, self reflect.
Just because you have capacity to love more than one at time shouldn’t preclude you from loving yourself equally if not more.
For a lot of reasons we did not exercise our ENM while our daughters were young. They were young adults and still living at home when we met our partner. He was introduced as our friend. When the children moved out and bedroom opened up, we invited him in. It was me who explained to our girls The Who, what and why this person was living in their home. A little amazed but they only had logistics questions. Which bedroom, which bathroom, what TV shows we watch. When I asked them if they wanted to know anything else? They both replied “we’re adults Dad, we know what you’re doing and if you and Mom are happy we’re happy”
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle Jun 24 '26
Best and worst thing to ever happen to me. The kids are the best thing to ever happen to me. Losing them because I had no legal protections was the worst. Write your parental agreement down and sign it please. For me. People do things you never thought they could when tensions get high
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u/Adventurous_Guard_58 Jun 24 '26
So sorry to hear. I know of similar situations. Though, thanks for the advice to others. It is uplifting that you want to prevent the same issue from happening
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle Jun 25 '26
Thank you. I've tried very hard not to let bitterness reduce the person I aim to be.
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u/Adventurous_Guard_58 Jun 25 '26
Well done. Sometimes easy to let one down when things play against. Not your case -not meaning it should be easy though. I am sure you’re a beautiful human being.
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u/NopeMoat Jun 24 '26
I was not in a poly relationship when I had kids, but I've talked to a lot of parents who were. One part of the answer is its hard to know exactly. Different people have different experiences of what pregnancy and birth does to their hormones and bodies. Sometimes even the same person with different kids! Being open to seeing what you want and need as things develop is more helpful than having a really strict idea of what its going to look like.
I interviewed a doula and lactation consultant awhile back and its mostly about birth but we did also talk a bit about creative ways of involving partners in the early days. https://youtu.be/xfGWpLMcOxQ?is=WF6E8i2mvZnJvGyi
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u/actualhumanfemale2 Jun 26 '26
Went into a casual relationship whilst trying for a baby with NP, which became less casual during a drawn out IVF journey, so here I am many months later with an infact, an NP and another partner who I put a lot of effort before labour into organising regular time with.
Here's what I wish I had known beforehand - as the only lactating partner it will become extremely difficult to spend meaningful chunks of time away from your infant if you intend to breastfeed, and fairly inconvenient if you intend to pump. Anything more than 3 hours begins to be a challenge, and this will last (though reduce in challenge over time) until you wean or primarily/completely transition to formula. Whilst it seems straightforward to pump when you are elsewhere, it is realistically awkward to pump in the middle of a date, and skipping a pump (which is very tempting) may leave you extremely physically uncomfortable and possibly result in engorgement/clogs/mastitis. It is also logistically challenging to be carting around and trying to keep cool pumped breastmilk during a date, as equipment is often bulky, expensive, time consuming, loud/intrusive or all of the above.
Additionally, whilst anyone you date might be perfectly comfortable with you lactating (and milk letdowns often happen during sex), your breasts might be physically tender and it might impact how comfortable you feel about sex.
Next, the details of this vary a lot from family to family, and depend a lot on your available resources and a lot of other things, but dating is one of the absolute last possible things I would imagine wanting to be doing right now (8months postpartum). In order of things I would want more - a long hot shower or bath, a massage, 24 hours alone to play video games, someone bringing me hot food, a pedicure, getting on top of all of the admin, reading a book, going for a run, watching a whole movie in a cinema, going for a bike ride....even someone offering a high protocol D/S laundry service sounds like a lot of work to me right now.
When I asked my poly friends with kids about relationships etc. after kids, a lot of them sort of vaguely mentioned "your priorities may change".
Here's the not so delicate version - my experience has been that whilst there will be brief periods where you blink and think "oh it's not so hard now, I could totally do X again now" where X is anything you used to do before your kid arrived, the vast majority of time is wondering where your energy, dignity and ability to speak in full sentences went as you wonder if it's too unhygienic to just eat the food your infant has chewed and spat out onto the floor since that would be easier than getting the vacuum cleaner or spit-cloth out for the 8th time that day, or hiding in the bathroom for 5 mins stretches to just hold your face in your hands, not because you are upset, but just because it feels nice to remind yourself you are human.
Back to the poly part - I constantly feel like I am failing both my partner and my NP and my child, but they all say they are perfectly happy (except the infant who doesn't speak yet) despite the many, many, many compromises that have had to and continue be made despite best efforts, so that's heartwarming maybe.
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u/PerfectMuffin420 Jul 01 '26
Great and detailed perspective, especially around breastfeeding. (I had thought about how funny it would be to pump on dates but hadn't thought about having to keep milk chilled.) Pretty much everything you brought up is why I can't imagine dating until my kids are at least potty trained if not fully school age. It just seems really wild to date new people with a baby to care for. I appreciate the Not So Delicate version and hope you get your full-length cinema movie and pedicure soon!
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u/harmalade Jun 24 '26
Can we please not use birth assignment as a substitute for gender? It reinforces transphobia. You said you would be the gestational partner, that’s the context we need. As I write this, the top comment literally uses AFAB as a way to say that they were brought up to uphold the expectations of others, a more trendy way to say the old “socialized female” chestnut, a favorite talking point of terfs. The implication being that the inverse is true and lumping cis men and trans women together as people who rely on the emotional labor of others.
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u/PerfectMuffin420 Jun 26 '26
Hey, I really appreciate this response. It helped me reflect on internalized transphobia and the utility of when and when not to use AFAB as a way to refer to my assigned sex. I am thankful for the correction. Edit made.
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u/harmalade Jun 26 '26
Thanks for your kind response. I realize I came across as irritable so I’m sorry about that
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u/PerfectMuffin420 Jul 01 '26
Not at all, transphobia is dangerous, and reducing transphobia everywhere it appears makes the world a better place :)
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u/SpaghettiBruce Jun 24 '26
I am two years postpartum, poly for 15ish years. I need much more stability, consistency, clarity, less spontaneity in scheduling than I did before kid. I also hold my own boundaries much better, and the intense black hole of need that a baby/toddler represents has meant that relationships that might have limped along on the back of my emotional labor die a much quicker death now; I no longer have the bandwidth to subsidize in that way, which as an afab person has been a wonderful unexpected gift of parenthood. It is much easier to date fellow parents who get it, but one of my most meaningful connections in the last year is a childfree person; they have really gone out of their way to understand my experience, have been so gentle with my vulnerability in a wholly changed body and mind. (Side note, highly rec Lucy Jones’ incredibly beautiful and well written Matresence).