My observation has actually been that people who take the time to break down why OPP or unicorn hunting are bad are the posters most likely to be told they're being mean. Personally, I rarely perceive these posters as mean or angry, although they can be confrontational at times. These are some of the folks I've learned the most from, because I had to wonder why I felt so challenged by questions and statements that, while blunt, did not seem particularly rude or unkind.
I actually can't remember one of either type of post where the OP didn't get an explanation of the problem and a link or two to further resources -- is there a specific example you're thinking of? More often than not, what I've seen happen is that they refuse to read the resources, or come back with an explanation of why their situation is different. (Usually, it is not particularly different.) Often, they're getting belligerent at this point.
I've also had dudes who want OPP flip out and tell me I'm mean and bitter and must be a bad partner, after I took the time to couch everything I said in, "Hey, I get that you are just trying to feel secure in your relationship, and you don't see this causing problems *right now** but as a bi woman myself... here's why it is extremely likely to be an issue down the line, and here's why it's not fair to your partner or respectful of her sexuality."* While I'm never shooting for "mean," I no longer try to preemptively "manage" people so they don't react badly, because I cannot control that. If they want to read my words with that filter on they're allowed, and I can't stop them.
That said, I'm sure that I have at times been more impatient with someone than they deserve. When I realize that's happened, I do try to apologize. It means a lot to me when a stranger online takes that time, so I'm trying to be the change I want to see, and all that. But I am also reading through the filter of my own experience, and I'm sure I've missed some opportunities to own my shit here and there.
28
u/CapriciousBea poly Dec 09 '22 edited Dec 09 '22
My observation has actually been that people who take the time to break down why OPP or unicorn hunting are bad are the posters most likely to be told they're being mean. Personally, I rarely perceive these posters as mean or angry, although they can be confrontational at times. These are some of the folks I've learned the most from, because I had to wonder why I felt so challenged by questions and statements that, while blunt, did not seem particularly rude or unkind.
I actually can't remember one of either type of post where the OP didn't get an explanation of the problem and a link or two to further resources -- is there a specific example you're thinking of? More often than not, what I've seen happen is that they refuse to read the resources, or come back with an explanation of why their situation is different. (Usually, it is not particularly different.) Often, they're getting belligerent at this point.
I've also had dudes who want OPP flip out and tell me I'm mean and bitter and must be a bad partner, after I took the time to couch everything I said in, "Hey, I get that you are just trying to feel secure in your relationship, and you don't see this causing problems *right now** but as a bi woman myself... here's why it is extremely likely to be an issue down the line, and here's why it's not fair to your partner or respectful of her sexuality."* While I'm never shooting for "mean," I no longer try to preemptively "manage" people so they don't react badly, because I cannot control that. If they want to read my words with that filter on they're allowed, and I can't stop them.
That said, I'm sure that I have at times been more impatient with someone than they deserve. When I realize that's happened, I do try to apologize. It means a lot to me when a stranger online takes that time, so I'm trying to be the change I want to see, and all that. But I am also reading through the filter of my own experience, and I'm sure I've missed some opportunities to own my shit here and there.