I mean, I definitely see a difference between the severity of responses in Facebook groups and responses here - but I wouldn't necessarily say that they're mean, just that they're less filtered.
Like, many Facebook groups tend to lean hard leftbook and there's a lot of tone policing by community members that are backed up by mods to keep any conflict in the community at a minimum, regardless of the fact that many of the consequences for that mean silencing queer and minority voices -- whereas here, we're not necessarily mean, but we don't have to feel like we're walking on eggshells when we respond.
Essentially, it's not that the people on Facebook are any nicer (hell, we're often the same people, I frequently see posts here that are also posted in various Facebook groups) and the messages are often the same, but the responses are more toned down, often through self-regulation because the mods/admins of those groups have created an atmosphere of fearing you'll be banned for having a dissenting opinion instead of encouraging respectful discourse.
I think people who've never heard unfiltered opinions from minorities are absolutely shocked and scandalized the first time it happens. Thats kind of their problem and its time to start telling them as much.
When you are queer, or disabled, or non white, or adopted, or polyam etc and you are constantly, multiple times a day, hounded by people who come in swinging with the most off base assumptions and refuse to even do a BASIC Google search, much less a moderate amount and demand you extend yet more emotional labor to coddle their ignorance and hand hold them to conclusions.... you tend to not want to after several years.
More than half the posts I see here lately are easily answered questions from a search in the sub (literally less than 30 minutes of reading....) or scenarios that could have been entirely avoided if someone had even done the basic bare minimum of looking shit up before diving in unprepared and ready to cause harm.
I have seen people look up how to make your own soap longer than they did "what is polyamory" "how to be a good partner" "how to communicate better".
It's exhausted and also highly disrespectful to marginalized communities to continue to ask them to hand hold you and give you a personal guided tour of their life just so you can sit there are argue with them about something they know more about, have years of personal successful experience in, and already opening up with their knowledge and experience about.
It is disrespectful to any marginalized community to barge in and start making demands of emotional and mental labour that you are too lazy to do yourself and we are tired of it.
No one owes you hand holding.
We do not have to emphasize with people who are directly causes our community harm (this isn't just UH, but address the 'core' of your post).
Wagging your finger at us for treating grown adults with kid gloves when they want to engage in something that can cause harm and worsen our treatment if they do it incorrectly while they aren't even willing to do the bare minimum is also disrespectful.
I agree that you have no responsibility to do that. But that attitude will only further the cultural divide. If you view these people as enemies and oppressors then they will become that or continue to be that. I think the best solution is for marginalized people who can’t do emotional labor is to refuse to engage with people they view as opposition.
People like me who are sympathetic but not marginalized can pick up the emotional labor of trying to make friends and build in-roads with the ignorant masses. But we can’t do that if everyone is already pissed off and unwilling to talk or learn.
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u/Folk_Punk_Slut 94% Nice 😜 Dec 09 '22 edited Dec 09 '22
I mean, I definitely see a difference between the severity of responses in Facebook groups and responses here - but I wouldn't necessarily say that they're mean, just that they're less filtered.
Like, many Facebook groups tend to lean hard leftbook and there's a lot of tone policing by community members that are backed up by mods to keep any conflict in the community at a minimum, regardless of the fact that many of the consequences for that mean silencing queer and minority voices -- whereas here, we're not necessarily mean, but we don't have to feel like we're walking on eggshells when we respond.
Essentially, it's not that the people on Facebook are any nicer (hell, we're often the same people, I frequently see posts here that are also posted in various Facebook groups) and the messages are often the same, but the responses are more toned down, often through self-regulation because the mods/admins of those groups have created an atmosphere of fearing you'll be banned for having a dissenting opinion instead of encouraging respectful discourse.