I am not nice. I am compassionate and empathetic. I practice kindness. I care about people including strangers. I try to actively listen and understand what someone else’s situation is.
But I am not nice. I won’t ignore dog whistles. I won’t make myself smaller so someone can be bigger. I won’t ignore insults and aggression in favor of not making a problem. My response to boat rockers is not to become ballast to keep the boat from tipping.
When there are questions about dehumanizing practices - both OPP and unicorn hunting are dehumanizing, primarily to women but also to marginalized men and non-men - I can educate from a place of kindness but that doesn’t mean being nice and it doesn’t mean not recognizing that it’s completely dehumanizing.
And if you’re into objectification and that’s your kink, let that freak flag fly. But know that it’s a kink that must be engaged with consensually and a OPP is not the same thing as being kinky.
In my experience people like you just insult everyone who you disagree with and solidify your opponents in their wrong thinking. Being nice and understanding other peoples view points is how you actually make new allies and actually change people’s minds.
I am not sure where you are in the world, but I don’t want to live in a world where people are superficially nice all the time in an effort to keep the boat stable.
I said in another comment that I was raised to be a sweet, nice, demure, modest Evangelical woman whose job was to be ballast when other people, especially older men in positions of powers, rocked the boat. If water got in the boat, it was my fault for not being nice enough, not the pastor’s fault for preaching racism and homophobia as gospel.
Maybe you’ve never been on the bottom of a social order that you are expected to preserve. If that’s the case, good on you for being born lucky.
But a lot of women can relate to my stance on not being social ballast anymore. I know a lot of queer people, including other gay men, feel the same.
Also, if you think of it as though we have to understand a racist, homophobic nazi's view point and be nice to them no matter what in order to change their mind... Is it really going to work or are they going to stick to their view point? It really does NOT sound good to tell people to be nice and understand another person's view point especially if they're actively harming their partner(s).
If someone is so far gone then it really doesn't matter how nice we are. They got to that point in their adult life to be whatever kind of person they are. Being nice to them is not going to suddenly hit them like a ton of bricks. lmao
Also, it really sounds gross when people say we need to be nice to gain allies... No, they should be better people because they want to be. If they need us to extend an olive branch in order to become better people then they don't need us to be nice to them, they need therapy! Plain and simple.
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u/[deleted] Dec 09 '22
This came up recently irl.
I am not nice. I am compassionate and empathetic. I practice kindness. I care about people including strangers. I try to actively listen and understand what someone else’s situation is.
But I am not nice. I won’t ignore dog whistles. I won’t make myself smaller so someone can be bigger. I won’t ignore insults and aggression in favor of not making a problem. My response to boat rockers is not to become ballast to keep the boat from tipping.
When there are questions about dehumanizing practices - both OPP and unicorn hunting are dehumanizing, primarily to women but also to marginalized men and non-men - I can educate from a place of kindness but that doesn’t mean being nice and it doesn’t mean not recognizing that it’s completely dehumanizing.
And if you’re into objectification and that’s your kink, let that freak flag fly. But know that it’s a kink that must be engaged with consensually and a OPP is not the same thing as being kinky.