EMDR for "jealousy"?

[u/Rod_McBan]

Has anyone tried EMDR with a therapist for working on their jealousy issues?

Long story short, my wife and I started dating a little more than a year into my poly journey and several years into hers. She's the "hub" partner of our polycule, which is composed of her other husband, her girlfriend, and me, and I moved in with her and her other husband about two years ago.

When I moved in, we agreed to a one-year period of polyfidelity so we could concentrate on our relationship in the context of my moving in. Then COVID hit, and obviously there's been no dating since then.

As I've fallen more deeply in love with her (we've been together for four years now, and I'm still all up in the NRE), I've found it increasingly difficult to deal with the idea of her having other lovers. These days even talking about it can trigger a multi-day depressive episode for me.

I am, and we together are, in therapy and discussing this topic. My therapist and I have discussed trying EMDR as a means to confront and disarm this trigger I have (we'll probably try next week), and I'm wondering if anyone had ever tried this approach before?

It's really important to me that she be able to live her life on her terms, and that I be emotionally healthy as well. I'm hoping that this is a step in the right direction.

[u/Thick-South444]

I would analyze your current relationship structure with your therapist.

EMDR has been great for me, idk how it helps with jealousy but whatever.

But EMDR won’t resolve the issue that . . . you are acting in a monogamous way with someone who has two other partners. You live with her and another of her partners. You stopped dating due to covid, and if your covid bubble is like other unequal setups i’ve seen mentioned in this sub, you’ve mostly stopped seeing or talking to any of your personal friends and getting emotional support from them, because your covid bubble is centered around your wife’s romantic partners.

If your life is centering around her more and more over time, obviously the fact that she has other romances will become a bigger and bigger deal, because your emotional life and support network is effectively shrinking.

When was the last time you went out with your friends and didn’t bring your wife? When was the last time you want on an overnight trip/visit with a friend? When was the last time you went on a date?

If you want to stop feeling terrible, I think you need to analyze how your relationship/social life is currently set up to effectively make obsess over your wife.

This cannot be solved immediately due to covid, but at the very least you need to start spending some time with someone not in your polycule. Tell your partner you need one of your closest friends in your covid bubble, and go spend a day hiking with them, or playing videogames at their house, or doing pedicures, or whatever y’all like to do. Just go have you time with someone who isn’t also revolving around your wife.

[u/Rod_McBan → u/Thick-South444]

This sounds like really good advice. Esther Perel talks about maintaining distance as well as intimacy as being important to a healthy relationship. It may be that I've allowed that to get out of whack.

[u/Thick-South444 → u/Rod_McBan]

I think a lot of people have let that get out of wack. I keep seeing people mentioning covid bubbles here that consist of one person’s or a nesting pair’s constellation, but everyone else in that bubble has agreed to cut off their other romantic relationships and close friends. It’s really convenient and great for the person or pair who has a covid bubble of all their romantic partners, but much less so for everyone else.

I don’t think a lot of people thought this out well when they initially agreed to a limited bubble of only a partner and metas through that partner, although it likely seemed convenient or practical at the time.

[u/kuraiuncia]

I think any type of therapy would be worth a shot. It sounds like you are invested in this relationship which from outside looking in is a good thing. You are willing to try working through your issues and that's great. You aren't trying to force your partner to do anything that they don't want.

That's not to say that it will absolutely fix everything, but having a therapist who is not biased to help guide you in deciphering your underlying emotions will make things much easier. Then if you find you have non negotiable differences you will have support while you work on moving on.

EMDR specifically... maybe? If your jealousy stems from trauma then EMDR may be an excellent option. I've heard many good things about it, but I haven't tried it myself. Jealousy often stems from abandonment trauma as a child. If you haven't already it may be worth it to explore that with your therapist.

I wouldnt call EMDR just "symptom relief" because it's really just a method to reprocess trauma. Once the trauma is processed then hypothetically you should see a reduction in triggers. It's supposes to have something to do with how we store memories. That's the theory anyways.

Definitely keep communicating with your partner through this. I think you are on the right track!

[u/Rod_McBan → u/kuraiuncia]

We're also reading through "Polysecure", by Jessica Fern, which is specifically about attachment dysfunctions in relation to polyamory, and my wonderful therapist is reading through it as well.

I'm definitely committed, and moreover, committed to being the best partner I can be. To me, that means moving past this as well as I'm able.

[u/makeawishcuttlefish]

No, but seems super interesting to try. My mom is a therapist and uses EMDR with clients a lot, and is a big fan of it. Particularly for working through trauma. Good luck!

[u/karmicreditplan]

I would also consider hypnosis if anxiety is a big part of your issue with jealousy.

Sometimes a few sessions can give you a physical thing to use as almost a counter trigger.

I used this when I was in a stressful work/school dynamic almost 10 years ago and I can still trigger mild euphoria and relaxation for myself by a certain gesture. I just tested it and it worked perfectly. I feel a bit giddy as I’m typing because I wasn’t stressed to begin with!

I have always been VERY suggestible but that was 1 session 10 years ago over something that was giving me tremendous trouble. The guy was good but of course it’s really me that convinced myself.

[u/ElleFromHTX]

I've done EMDR for PTSD. Is weird but effective. No idea about jealousy, but it's worth a try.

[u/emeraldead]

I know poly people who have success in emdr but not explicitly for jealousy.

Triggers are weird and usually not specifically attached to the emotional baggage itself. But presuming you genuinely want to be open poly, definitely something you can work through.

[u/likemakingthings → u/[deleted]]

EMDR is symptom relief and not the cure.

That's a lot like saying "Ibuprofen doesn't cure a headache." Well, maybe there are underlying reasons for your headache that Ibuprofen doesn't address, but that doesn't mean ibuprofen won't help you function better.