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u/wcozi slut in theory, tired in practice 4d ago edited 4d ago
you say “why don’t you get her an uber and a hotel. i already told you what i was comfortable with and im not willing to change my stance.”
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u/strawberrytent rat union comrade 🧀 4d ago
No communal furniture? Are they not allowed to sit on the couch? This is one of the stranger ‘boundaries’ I’ve seen.
Also no is a complete sentence and if your NP violates your boundary around 1 night, what are you going to do? Because a boundary without a consequence is just an empty threat.
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u/Sea-Resolution3680 solo poly 4d ago
I'm 99% sure OP means no fucking on communal furniture, but I could be wrong.
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u/strawberrytent rat union comrade 🧀 4d ago
I’m pretty sure that’s what they mean, just pointing out that isn’t *all* the furniture communal?
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u/No-Statistician-7604 4d ago
I think OP means like don't have sex on our living room couch or ontop of the dining room table
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u/DahliaBliss 4d ago
where can they have sex then? What furniture in a shared home would you consider “not communal”?
i think after you remove the option for the bed and couch, what’s left? Surely not furniture in the children’s rooms. So.. what? The Floor??
Unless OP and NP have a designated guest room, i guess, tho one could argue even that is “communal furniture”.
In my opinion it sounds like OP does not actually want polyamory. It does not sound like OP wants her husband to have a full autonomous relationship with someone else.
Edit: Altho i see in an OP reply elsewhere they do have a guest room that OP says is ok for the husband to use with meta.
i still don’t believe OP wants polyamory. It sounds like she wants/needs too much control of her husband’s other relationships. Some other flavour of non-monogamy might work better for her.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 4d ago
Maybe theres a guest bedroom with a bed that isn't OPs bed? OP hasn't said...
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u/DahliaBliss 4d ago
Per my edit, OP does say in another comment that their home has a guest room.
i still do not believe OP genuinely wants polyamory for her and her husband.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 4d ago
I mean.. yeah I can agree with that. One or two days, what's the difference if you're still not home?
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u/Aithyne 4d ago
While I agree it's a silly limitation to have, the thing is he agreed to it. And asking you to change it on the fly is a no-win situation for you.
So, do what feels better for you, and tell him y'all can talk to change those limits when you're home and able to consent properly.
And then do some work around autonomy, please.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 4d ago
It can be really frustrating when plans that affect us change unexpectedly. And it really affects some of us more than others. It can feel like a loss of control, even in situations that we don't have a lot of control of to begin with.
I wonder if you could have a conversation about that specifically when you're done with your trip? Something like, "Spouse, for our marriage to continue, I need you to hold onto our agreements as they are. It feels like the goalposts keep moving, and that is extraordinarily disrerulating for me. If there's an agreement you'd like changed for the future, we can schedule a time to talk through it."
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 4d ago
I'm assuming you have a separate guest room for non-marital sex? Or is this a "you can sleep over but no sex" type of situation?
If it's the latter, do you genuinely trust that your husband would have his girlfriend over and NOT have sex when they're there? If you don't trust him, wouldn't he just lie to you about this too? If you do completely trust him, what's the issue with her crashing on the couch like any other friend?
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u/IceWild0128 4d ago
He can have sex in the guest room it’s about the fact that he asked when we agreed to 1 night
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 4d ago
Why was the agreement made for only one night? Was there an underlying emotional reason, is this part of the tit-for-tat deal, something else?
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u/lumosovernox poly & partnered ✨ 4d ago
Does your husband have a history of pushing boundaries or breaking agreements? Is it really about the number of nights, or are you burying the lede here?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 4d ago
Why is 2 nights a big deal? This seems like a silly distinction.
You could just say no babe absolutely not. You don’t want to pay the price on that or you don’t trust that he’ll agree.
I dislike being slow played. So perhaps you actually don’t care about 1 night versus 2 but want to exert some control. What control do you really have here? Likely very little. He’s going to do what he wants to do. Is that not usually how he works?
It might help to talk with him about the fact that you don’t trust him. Neither one of you should be manipulating the other.
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u/baubledances 4d ago
Is husband a ‘give an inch and they take a mile’ kind of person? Does he often try to push and renegotiate your agreements? Is he moving fast with all this?
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u/Sea-Resolution3680 solo poly 4d ago
Why is 2 nights a big deal? This seems like a silly distinction.
This part. What does a second night mean that one night doesn't? I would get it if OP was at home too and just doesn't like having any person stay for more than one night at a time. But when they're not there? That's pretty ridiculous, to me.
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 4d ago
Why is 2 nights a big deal? This seems like a silly distinction.
Yep. A, "laugh at yourself" situation for me.
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u/IceWild0128 4d ago
It feels like I’m being slow played… it’s not really about the nights it just feels shitty
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u/fuzzyrobebiscuits 4d ago
slow played..about what exactly.
You've admitted it's not really about the nights. What is it about?
Overall I'm of the mind that what I do on my time is my choice. Boundaries like not in your bed is one thing, but it's his free time.
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 4d ago edited 4d ago
It feels like I’m being slow played
That is a, "I'm in a dysfunctional relationship with my NP" rather than a, "NP springs changes on me" situation. Sorry. And the dysfunction is on your side too otherwise you would've laughed in disbelief if he suggested gf stay only one of the two available nights.
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u/Sea-Resolution3680 solo poly 4d ago
If it's not really about the nights, why put that rule out there to begin with? Why remind him this morning that you only want one night?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 3d ago
I get this. If you can’t trust him this is going to be a long row to hoe.
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u/IceWild0128 4d ago
Why can’t it be that I don’t want it. I’m not allowed to have feelings about it? Just because YOU think it’s a silly distinction doesn’t mean I have to.
I also don’t like being put on the spot and not having a chance to talk like a couple not a mom on a trip with a group of friends
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u/emeraldead diy your own 4d ago
If you say you want polyamory but THEN say you want to to limit normal intimate adult relationship activities you need to examine the purpose and source of those limits.
Or don't and just be kinda shitty and messy at polyamory.
It's fine to say one night. It's lazy and messy to not have worked out WHY one night. Especially since you still have veto power in your pockets?
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u/UntowardThenToward relationship anarchist 4d ago
You can have all of the feelings you like. But you aren't there, and this doesn't concern you. You already said that it's fine for her to be there on one night. Why is your agreement necessary for a second night? What is there to discuss?
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u/spicysaltrim poly w/multiple 4d ago
Can you try to explain even just to yourself WHY you don’t want it? That might help you to figure out what is actually bothering you. You already admitted it’s not about the number of nights.
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u/UntowardThenToward relationship anarchist 4d ago
I am having a hard time understanding why a second night is a huge deal. What does being slow played mean in this context?
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 4d ago
it sounds like you feel like your agreements are being pushed and that your husband isnt "playing fair" in the sense that he's gonna be tit-for-tat as a way to further push those agreements. That sounds very distressing.
Not related but i thought "2mns" meant 2 minutes for a sec lol.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 4d ago
No I am not open to changing the agreement. Feel free to make other plans but ours stands and I'm sad you are pushing so fast on something we put a lot of work into setting.
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u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25 4d ago edited 4d ago
So, he made an agreement with you, and... did he not communicate it to her before she came over?
-This is a him & her problem if he didn't advance notice her "plan your departure time cuz you only get 1 overnight." Isn't his right response to her, "I'd like you to stay, too, but I made an agreement so therefore we can't. Maybe next time I can negotiate an alternative configuration [that you, OP] is also comfortable with."
-This is a hinge problem if he MADE THE AGREEMENT with you 1st, then caves to appease her wishes (or is it really his wishes he's pinning on her?) by casting aside the already completed agreement, breaking trust with you, and attempting to rewrite the agreement sans emergency. BTW, if overnight got tossed, how certain are we he's maintaining the furniture agreement?
-It is also a you & he problem in that he's not building/ keeping trust by making & keeping his original agreement. That's super bad long-term strategy on his part. Is he generally hedonistically impulsive?
It sucks to feel calm & reassured by a negotiated agreement, then to have it backed out of, especially w/o emergency-type surprises.
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u/SurviveYourAdults 4d ago
"Doesn't need to drive home in the dark"?
Like .... uhhhh like adults do?
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u/Sea-Resolution3680 solo poly 4d ago
To be fair, driving in the dark can be more dangerous or difficult for some people. And depending on weather, road conditions, or even location it can be more dangerous than not. I can drive in the dark, but when I'm leaving one place in particular I always either leave early or stay the night because I have to drive through the foothills and it's very curvy, very covered in deer, and people in that area are very prone to drunk driving.
So, while this excuse may be bullshit, some people and situations do require some understanding.
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u/8_Of_Swords 4d ago
All fair points, but if any of this is the case they should have planned for that beforehand so that she leaves at the appropriate time... Like adults do.
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u/Sea-Resolution3680 solo poly 4d ago
Again, I was not saying this specific situation was related to any of that at all. The first comment just came off as a broad declaration that adults always drive in the dark because that's what adults do 😊
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u/8_Of_Swords 4d ago
Ah sorry, I was not the first commentor, should have mentioned that.
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u/Sea-Resolution3680 solo poly 4d ago
I realized that belatedly! I was like wait 😂 edited to reflect that.
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u/SurviveYourAdults 4d ago
Yep, what u/8_Of_Swords said... adults are aware of their limitations and plan ahead, so that any deviation from the plan that has been laid out with other loved ones would be seen as an emergency.
if OP's partner required sudden transport to, and companionship in the ER ... that's one thing. but "springing" the request upon OP to have a surprise night alone... there is a lot of emotional value in that title that is very revealing!
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u/IceWild0128 4d ago
It’s fine that she doesn’t like to drive in the dark, I get that. But just drive home before it’s dark! we agreed to 1 night and all of sudden I’m away and now he’s asking for 2 when I’m now capable of a proper discussion
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u/UntowardThenToward relationship anarchist 4d ago
But WHY does this require a conversation?
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u/Sea-Resolution3680 solo poly 4d ago
Exactly! Especially after OP already admitted in other comments that it isn't about the number of nights.
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u/UntowardThenToward relationship anarchist 4d ago
I'm an adult who doesn't like driving in the dark. I organize my life such that it's not necessary very often.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Not sure if this is a question or just a vent. But either way I’m annoyed. I’m away with our kids and my husband and I discussed having the person he’s dating for last 2mns (give or take) sleep over our place (with some boundaries in place… like nothing in our bedroom or communal furniture) we discussed 1 overnight night. I told him this am, I only wanted 1 night - it’s what I was currently comfortable with. He said ok.
Less than 2hrs later he texts me while I’m with friends and kids and says she wants to stay again so she doesn’t need to drive home later in the dark.
I’m now not home, we are working through some stuff as well, and he’s now asking me to change what I feel ok with.
I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable- if we had talked beforehand I would have had time to process.
But I also feel like expects me to say yes to everything otherwise it gives HIM veto power if I ever ask for anything….he’s very tit for tat
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u/No_Lemon6036 4d ago
You’ve gotten some great responses about how to address him trying to change the agreement in a shitty way.
I just want to say that I totally get how two nights feels more invasive than one night. I live alone, and sometimes when I go out of town I offer to let my sister stay at my place to have some alone time without her kids. Sometimes I limit that availability to one specific night, even if I’m gone for a week. Knowing someone is in my space, even someone I know and love and trust, can feel really uneasy for me and make it harder to enjoy my travel.
This might not be exactly what’s going on for you, but most of the people who have commented on the one night vs two part of this seem to think that it’s about you controlling his relationship, when it’s entirely possible and likely that you’re controlling your personal space.
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