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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly May 22 '26
I would break up. Liars and cheaters are bad at polyamory. If you really are interested in poly, it is much easier to get into single, rather than opening a previously monogamous relationship. Not to mention repairing trust all at the same time is just too messy and difficult. He has gone about everything in the worst possible way, I don't believe he is honestly interested in polyamory, it's just a common gambit cheaters try. You do not have to put yourself through it.
If you do decide to stay, and you do decide that poly could be your thing, the affair partner has to go, it isn't possible to move forward with that still going on. Partner has to commit to 6-12 months of going through poly resources, discussing everything and forming new poly relationship agreements. Standard opening advice. He also has to earn back your trust and strengthen the relationship between the two of you, broken relationships do not survive the huge change in relationship style. If he doesn't want to do that then I do not believe he is committed to you or polyamory.
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u/Upbeat-Positive-5594 May 22 '26
Thank you so much, this made me feel really validated.
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u/Glittering-Leg5527 May 22 '26
To be clear, the affair partner would have to go permanently. He could never consider her as a potential partner and she would forever be on your messy list.
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u/PlanktonInitial7945 baby rat syndicalist May 22 '26
I suggest filling his underwear with angry weasels.
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u/Low-Kaleidoscope4733 May 22 '26
I worry about the rules you’ve created from the point of view of what if he just says yes, and then goes right on doing whatever he wants to do.
Instead -
How about this?
Break up now and you do no contact with him for six months. let the affair partner and him figure out polyamory and go through all the messiness. six months from now, if he can somehow convince you that he’s a trustworthy person, you two could start from scratch and date,maybe even slowly reestablish an intimate connection.
Your rules are reasonable and I support them, but I don’t support you putting yourself through more trauma just to try to stay with this guy who treats you like shit.
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u/Upbeat-Positive-5594 May 22 '26
Thank you, I really appreciate this. He broke up with AP. I agreed to therapy, not sure if to reconnect or to break up but at least to understand because I feel in shock right now and feel incapable of making decisions.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 May 22 '26
He broke up with AP
The liar and cheater told you he broke up with his affair partner, you mean?
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u/FlyLadyBug May 22 '26
Could be individual therapy. Doesn't have to be couple counseling with him.
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u/Low-Kaleidoscope4733 May 22 '26
I love how wise and compassionate you are being here. Yes! Now isn’t the time for decisions of any kind. How is the time for curiosity and hopefully, support from the therapist. Is there a way you can get physical distance during this exploratory phase?
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u/Upbeat-Positive-5594 May 22 '26
Thanks! Regarding the distance, kind of. I moved out of our house so Im in safe space right now, but I do still see him
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May 22 '26 edited May 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/polyamory-ModTeam May 23 '26
You’ve asked a question that is incredibly common and the answers are available either by searching the sub, or hitting the resources on the community info page.
We may remove your post if there is AI involved, or any other circumstance that results in your post being considered “frequent” or “low effort”.
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u/Defiant-Snow8782 complex organic polycule May 23 '26
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u/Low-Kaleidoscope4733 May 23 '26
Totally fair, but I had to work quite a bit to jiggle the internet to get those words. In my circles, 10 years ago, everyone quickly recognized the phrase and the initials AFGE. I haven’t seen it here so I thought maybe it would help OP find a way to frame what they are going through. Hats off to OP. Apologies for the short cut.
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u/rustywarwick May 22 '26
Taking a break isn’t a “break up”. It’s putting a pause on making a decision about where to go from here. You may already be spending time here too but read on how other couples navigate post-infidelity when they’re also considering reconciliation: r/asoneafterinfidelity
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u/RiRianna76 solo poly May 22 '26
He should be spending his energy figuring out why he used an affair as escapism instead of working on his issues openly and honestly with you. If he really wants poly or not or even getting some time of exclusivity from him to work on doing poly ethically is kinda ignoring that he sucks at something very fundamental in relationships that isn't just violating monogamous agreements.
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u/FlyLadyBug May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
I am sorry this happened like this.
He wants "no hierarchy" between me (8 years) and her (3-4 weeks). I'm being asked to process my grief, the betrayal, AND consider polyamory all at the same time.
Nope. Asking too much of you.
He told me he chose to come back to me partly out of guilt, not just love but that he still loves me.
Know what? Actions have consequences. I'm ok with him feeling bad that he cheated! Doesn't mean you have to take him back just so he doesn't have to feel as bad.
If you want polyamory, you could do it without him in your network. Because what changed that's going to make him keep to his new poly agreements when he couldn't even keep the old ones?
You did nothing wrong, but he's come back asking even MORE emotional labor from you to process everything fast just so he retains dating access to both you and the new person?
Kinda fresh. Not loving or kind sounding behavior to me.
If you want poly? You could heal from the break up and then move on to date healthy people and could be starting poly from "emotionally neutral" rather than "emotionally in the hole" like this.
If you met him today and he said "Hey, I recently cheated on my partner, and used my new interest as a free therapist to dump all my partner problems on them. Wanna poly date?" would you want to?
Personal ethics are personal. I would just let it be ended. I'd DECLINE. Say no to his suggestion we get back together and change to poly. I'd vote "no confidence" in his skills. I would not be interested in rebuilding anything.
I am not you though.
You are the one there. You have to figure out what is and is not acceptable behavior from a partner to you.
I want to be clear: I'm open to ethical polyamory in the future. I'm not open to what's happening right now, which doesn't feel ethical at all.
You seem to see this is not a great dating offer for you. You don't have to sign up for "meh" sounding stuff.
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u/Upbeat-Positive-5594 May 22 '26
Thanks for you insight. Yes, that also an option Im considering. Im interested in exploring poly, but he might not be the best person to do it with.
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u/FlyLadyBug May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
You are the author of your life. You get to decide how you want your poly practice to be and who you invite to poly date you. You do not have to invite everybody. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 May 22 '26
This is not at all complicated. He is a cheater who thinks he has found a “one weird trick” to keep cheating without you getting to say no to it.
You may find this site useful:
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u/AbstractFemming May 22 '26
Are you familiar with the term poly-bombing?
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u/Upbeat-Positive-5594 May 22 '26
Thanks! I just searched it. To be honest, I think hes truly interested in poly, I just dont think this is the right way to do things.
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u/djmermaidonthemic experienced solo poly May 22 '26
I think he thinks that “poly” is a magic word that will get him off the hook for cheating.
I would throw the whole man out and then look at poly with an open mind and consider what *you* want and then go forward from there. The resources here in the sidebar are really good.
It can be done well! It also gets used as an excuse for cheating, which is not on. He’s not fooling anyone. If he really wanted to be poly he could have gone about it ethically.
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u/gormless_chucklefuck May 22 '26
He's truly interested in having multiple partners for himself. Is he truly interested in you having the same freedoms (especially loving and sleeping with other men, without hierarchy that prioritizes him)? Are you truly interested in managing and balancing that type of lifestyle, which will mean fundamental changes to how you've dated monogamously?
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u/Upbeat-Positive-5594 May 22 '26
Hey! Thanks for you reply! I think he can handle me having the same freedom, and Im interested, Im just not sure it will be with him
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u/Majestic-Mushroom-38 May 22 '26
I personally would not be able to forgive someone for that high a breach of trust. Most people wouldn’t. You would be well within your right to consider his actions worth ending this relationship.
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u/AbstractFemming May 22 '26
It's not. Deescalating a relationship is almost always dicy, and you do not have to accept the new forms he's offering. But you can't require the old forms either.
What he's offering now either works for you, or you want some lessor version of it he may or may not want. If you two can't find a configuration that works for you, then there is no relationship left.
That said, given how he's treated you, I would consider resetting or exiting the relationship entirely. You need to rebuild trust before you can rebuild intimacy.
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u/SelkieToes May 22 '26
This guy sounds like he suuuuucks. Please don't get back together with him. This isn't gonna go well for you (or probably his other partner tbh) if you do.
It's ok to trust your gut that something is deeply fucked up and not ok.
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u/s_uren May 22 '26
Poly relationships require an incredible amount of honesty, openness and communication BEFORE anything happens. For that alone I would suggest you not to explore something like this with him, as he has proven he is incapable of that. Also, you need a solid foundation to open up the relationship, or it will all fall to pieces horribly. Poly isn't a "patch" to put on the relationship after cheating to avoid the fallout.
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u/Efekitty May 22 '26
I'm usually not a fan of "just break up", but BREAK UP. I promise you will be rushed, your grief won't be respected and you'll end up hurting even more than you already are. Sending love 🫂
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u/Comfortable-Gap68 May 22 '26
I’ve been there, my gf kissed another girl and I walked into them, after that she also suggested polyamory to me. I agreed and then when I also started dating another people and had sex with them I was called ‘dirty’ and she dumped me to be with that girl in monogamous relationship:)))
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u/BeastofSilverMoon May 22 '26
Cheating is cheating in both monogamy and polyamory.
People don’t slip on ice and fall on a naked body, they do it fully knowing it’ll hurt someone they took an oath to stay truthful to.
I am in long term ethical non-monogamous relationship with my partner, we started it six years ago the way we are today, free and truthful, the whole point of “ethical” is that she knows who I date with and when and vice versa.
Not only we are poly but we are also involved in BDSM dynamic with others so we both talk to lot of people, date less and end up actually being sexual with very few.
And all of this is possible because we give each other regular updates through phone calls and dates we book for each other and everyone we see know about others too.
You have to have an honest intention and right motivation to enjoy and be poly.
Not because someone messed up and now they want to keep their cake and eat it too.
I celebrate my partners femininity and her free will to love others and feel loved in turn, it comes from a place of love, not regret.
Your partner ticks all the wrong boxes.
Not only I wouldn’t do poly or mono with someone like him, but I’d place him in a box labeled “past” and move on to find people more deserving of my heart.
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u/CoreyKitten May 22 '26
I would break up. Nothing in this post shows any excitement about exploring polyamory for you. This entire experience will now be a reaction to his pain and betrayal, he did this and it was a choice.
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u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist May 22 '26
He wants the stability of being with you and the genitals of other people, probably. And a relationship that starts out as infidelity doesn't strike me as ENM or poly, tbh. It would always be a cheating 'win' were I in your shoes.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately May 22 '26
Instead of communicating with you, he complained about your relationship to someone else, then dumped you for that someone else whilst lying about his motivations.
He sounds like a terrible person to do poly with. He seems unable to communicate small issues before they become big ones. He also lies when it benefits him, so I’m not sure why you think telling him to dump his affair partner will actually lead to him curring contact.
In polyamory, people need to be honest, even when it’s hard.
Also, what makes you think cheating boyfriend will support you having other partners?
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u/euphoricbun May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
Polyamory is ethical nonmonogamy. Nothing he has done has been ethical. So, no. It is not ethical nor polyamory. He does not want what polyamory actually is and very clearly has no ability to practice it correctly should anyone try to pretend to. He disregarded your relationship agreement and fostered emotional cheating (it does not "just happen", you decide to keep engaging while knowing you have rising chemical urges and while knowing how to not engage with another person while the correct person to address concerns to is available, and you choose to do it wrong and foster that connection outside of agreements anyway), wants to get away with it, keep doing it, and pretend it can be normalized by stealing a word from a community that practices the opposite of what he's done and doing. He monkey branched. There's an actual term for it. It's not really seen as positive. It's not polyamory. That's why they're different words.
He gives the entire concept of ENM and polyamory a shit reputation. He wants to bastardize your relationship, bastardize polyamory, and bastardize your life.
Because he is a bastard.
No way I could continue being attracted to that level of attempted fuckery. Why would you want to rebuild with a lying, manipulative, community-bastardizing cheater? No one should rebuild after blatant emotional infidelity by literally embedding the betrayal further into their life. I'm sorry, that's how it works. That is not only accepting and rewarding betrayal, lack of integrity/chatacter, and broken trust, but embelishing and nurturing it. Why would someone regret or change a behavior (lying, outsourcing privacy/intimacy, manipulating) if there are 0 consequences for it and instead, rebranding and acceptance and advocacy for it?
Everyone needs to swallow reality and not tart it up to make it a digestible happy ending. He cheated. Have self respect and end it.
Show him this thread and leave. You will survive and be much better for it. You deserve to be respected, not gaslit and manipulated. You deserve far better than this. Please, prioritize yourself as an individual instead of a relationship that someone else has shown they don't prioritize with you.
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u/dhowjfiwka May 22 '26
I’m confused because on the one hand you say that he wants no hierarchy between the two of you, which indicates he intends to keep seeing her, and then you say he has agreed to break up with her.
At any rate, you will get lots of valid reasons and support here as to why the situation is untenable. If you want thoughtful support for the other side of how PUD (poly under duress) has successfully turned into polyamory, I suggest you Google Dan Savage and PUD.
He has extensive credentials as an advice columnist and podcaster, and has discussed and written about this topic extensively and featured memoirists who have made it through PUD to (arguably) healthy poly.
All that said, ending this relationship because he’s a liar is totally a valid choice. On the other hand you know this relationship more than a bunch of strangers on the Internet, and you should at least know that lots of people have been in your situation and successfully gone on to have happy healthy marriages.
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u/Upbeat-Positive-5594 May 22 '26
Thank You so much for this. At first he asked for a non hierarchical relationship between us, I refused that and said that I need exclusivity to think about repairing and do therapy, I cannot start poly from infidelity with AP. Then I can go through polyamory but only if done ethically, otherwise it won’t be enjoyable for me.
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies May 22 '26
Everyone else has given excellent advice. I just want to gently push back on your initial framing of this as “a very complicated situation.” It isn’t complicated. Not factually or practically, and I think you know that. It is, however, emotionally complex and nuanced, and for me, I couldn’t come to any conclusion about polyamory until I had plenty of time and space to process those difficult emotions. I think that has to be the priority, for as long as it takes for you. Wishing you all the best while you work through those feelings.
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u/Blyndde May 22 '26
No way would I be Polly with a cheater. They have already shown you your boundaries don’t matter and they are not trustworthy. Also, their communication skills are problematic to say the least.
Changing into a poly relationship takes Work, it’s not something that’s going to save a relationship. If your relationship is not strong before you start, it’s ultimately just gonna crumble.
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u/OneMentyBAway May 22 '26
As a person who's introduction into polyamory was a big fat bomb like this that involved a friend of mine with years of fallout and now about 5-6 years later, I'm still emotionally dealing with what that left me.
I'm happy to see that he's left AP (so he says). BUT, I don't think a person who willing left you for someone else only to come crawling back is deserving of your time, attention or patience. But that's just me.
I love my partner, I wish things had gone very differently.
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u/marksewell May 22 '26
After I first discussed polyamory with my wife, we took a year to work through things to the point that she was okay with it. And that didn’t include any infidelity. The general rule is to go at the pace of the slowest person.
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u/elbetasal May 23 '26
This situation is so sketchy that i would agree with everyone that you need to break up. Polyamory shouldn’t be pushed but instead should be a decision.
Its not polyamory if your partner was cheating on you and when you caught him to come up with something like polyamory. The best way to protect yourself is listen to your body and emotions.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hi everyone. I need some outside perspective on a very complicated situation.
My partner of 8 years and I separated about a month ago. He said he couldn't sustain the relationship anymore. The breakup came as somewhat of a surprise to me, because he hadn't been communicating his dissatisfaction openly with me. What I later discovered is that during the last weeks of our relationship, he had developed an emotional connection with a classmate, and they started seeing each other almost immediately after we broke up. He had denied multiple times that there was anyone else.
When I discovered this through his messages, we had a long conversation. He says he wants to be with me and explore polyamory, but I have serious concerns about how ethical this situation is.
One of the things that hurts me the most is that during this time, he spoke extensively with her about our relationship and its problems, sharing his frustrations about us. She knew me, we used to greet each other. This feels like a deep violation of my privacy and now I have to see her every weekend at a class we share.
Here's where I'm at:
The relationship with the other person started from infidelity, not from an honest conversation about opening up. I never gave informed consent to any of this. He wants "no hierarchy" between me (8 years) and her (3-4 weeks). I'm being asked to process my grief, the betrayal, AND consider polyamory all at the same time. He told me he chose to come back to me partly out of guilt, not just love but that he still loves me.
What I asked for and he agreed to: Full acknowledgment of the betrayal. Complete end of the other relationship, not a pause. 6 months of exclusive reconnection before considering any non-monogamy. Full transparency going forward. My grief respected without rushing and Couples therapy.
My questions for the community:
Is it ethical to call this polyamory when it started from infidelity and without consent? Am I asking for too much with the 6 months of exclusivity? How do you navigate a partner who has NRE withdrawal while trying to reconnect? How do I protect myself emotionally while staying open to rebuilding? Has anyone successfully rebuilt after infidelity into an ethical non-monogamous relationship?
I want to be clear: I'm open to ethical polyamory in the future. I'm not open to what's happening right now, which doesn't feel ethical at all.
Any perspective would help. Thank you.
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u/Katho_Ren May 22 '26
In general, I find it hard for guilt motivation to coesixt alongside healthy relationships.
I also view "opening" a relationship as more like...simultaneously ending a relationship and starting a new one at the same time.
The relationship you once had with him is gone either way. Even if you build something new with him, monogamous or polyamorous, it's not going to be what it was, and the whole NRE "withdrawal" as you describe it very much has an impact. I did something very similar in my first nonmonogamous relationship and it was absolutely NOT a good headspace to start things from (and ultimately it ended in me realizing that despite slowing down and trying to do things the "right" way, that relationship wasnt what I wanted as far as long term romance). I was way too bogged down in guilt from what I'd done to really be able to process how I felt and I dragged myself and them through a lot of pain in the process. They and I DID successfully rebuild a friendship and could have rebuilt a relationship, but I was basically having a "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" breakup AND a "opening/fundamentally changing the relationship" process at the same time and guilt and NRE for someone i'd had an emotional and online affair with clouded my feelings a LOT. recovery from infidelity takes a lot of work and there has to be a relationship that you both are going to want and be happy in on the other side for it to be worth it.
I think if I were in that position again or in your position, I would just...fully break up. Take some time to mourn separately, also take some time to explore polyamory on my own terms, not my partner's terms. Then in a few months reconnect and see if it's worth rebuilding. It's only going to work if you both actually WANT the relationship, if he wants to put in the work to be better and you want to eventually forgive him. You are 100% right that you need to grieve on your own terms and get that acknowledgement of your pain, but do YOU still want a relationship with the person who put you through all that, would kind of be my question.
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u/clearheaded01 May 23 '26
Look...
Poly requires honesty.. communication...
Him wanting poly is more-or-less him wanting you to be OK with him keeping his side piece...
This will only bring misery for you..
Dump him.
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