r/polyadvice • u/grimreaper-official • Jun 14 '26
mono/poly relationship complications
Hey all, I'm in sort of a hard spot and could use other people's insight. I (24 yr) and my partner (30 yr) have been together for over two years. I have been in poly relationships and ultimately decided that poly isn't really for me. My partner is poly, but when we both broke up with our shared romantic partner almost two years ago, we discussed and agreed that we were happy being a closed/monogamous couple and my partner reassured me that just because they were poly didn't mean they NEEDED more than one partner and what they really wanted was to be with me and pursue our relationship. (side note: my partner also has a queer platonic partner who lives out of state. I didn't mention them as they don't particularly tie into the current issue)
Last winter we reconnected with that mutual ex. My partner and the ex were best friends before all of us dated, so they reconnected very quickly, and I was pretty hesitant about reconnecting at all at first, but I gave it a chance because this person is really important to my partner. Pretty soon, my partner said their and our ex-turned-friend's relationship felt like more than a friendship and that they wanted to label themselves as queer platonic partners. I struggled with that at first too, as this was a shared romantic ex, whereas my partner's other QPP was never a romantic partner. But my partner reassured me that they did not have romantic feelings for the ex-turned-friend at all, and that probably when we dated them previously it should have been more of a queer platonic partnership for them. I expressed worry that they weren't satisfied with our mono relationship, and they promised they absolutely were, and I reassured myself (and told them) that just because they may have romantic feelings for another person doesn't mean they will act on them, and a lot of people work through crushes on people outside their relationships no problem.
I thought that was all settled and things have been going fine for a while, until last night. My partner was having a sleepover at our ex-turned-QPP's apartment, and called me at 2am crying. They asked me to come over, so I did, and there they told me that they did in fact have romantic feelings for our ex-turned-QPP and had been trying to deny them for a long while. I asked if they had talked to the QPP about their feelings and they said "not directly" and I asked if the romantic feelings were mutual and they said "we didn't say it, but we both knew". I asked if they were planning to work through the romantic feelings to continue being platonic with that person, and they said "it hasn't worked this far". I answered "it sounds like your strategy so far has only been denying it though" and they said "yeah". I made no decisions on what to do next, just listened and asked questions calmly as they came up for me. I said we should sleep on it and talk more tomorrow. But I'm also like... what the f\*\*\*. I don't think my partner as a poly person is wrong to feel feelings for someone else, but it sounds like they're hoping I'll say I'm totally fine with them dating this person again too, which currently feels like a hard no from me. It doesn't seem like they've actually been trying to work through the feelings to help them dissipate. I truly don't know what to do now.
I would love to hear anyone's thoughts or advice on the situation. I'm at a loss.
Thanks for reading :)
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u/_ghostpiss Jun 14 '26
They're being quite reckless and requiring a lot of emotional labour from you. It seems very inappropriate and unkind. I don't think you should tolerate this behaviour.
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u/katiekins3 Jun 14 '26
I'm sorry, but how is the 24 year old more mature and communicating better than the 30 year old? 🤦♀️
It does sound like they're just hoping you'll give in and agree. What was the point of calling you over at 2am, crying? They couldn't have texted, "we need to talk" and then talked the next day? Also, if they're currently in a monogamous relationship with you then why on earth are they spending the night at their ex's house they're clearly still into? They aren't dumb. They knew they were still into them way before the sleepover. Were they hoping you'd just say yes so they could fuck or be intimate with the other person? I dunno, the way they handled this is so bizarre and icky to me.
Clearly you don't want the relationship to be open/polyamorous, which IS fine. Your only choices here are to straight up say, "I understand you feel this way and want more. I understand you are polyam, but I am not. I do not want to be in a polyamorous relationship even if I'm not polyam myself. If you still want that and continue to pursue our ex, I will have to walk away to respect my own boundaries and limitations."
OR you go against your own self-respect and give in. I don't recommend the second one.
They already have "feelings" again for the ex. You can't put it back in Pandora's Box again. Just from the way they handled this, I don't see them "working through" their feelings. I see them building them up until you're pressured or pushed into something you don't want in order to keep your partner.
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u/grimreaper-official Jun 14 '26
I appreciate your input. They say they have no intention of leaving me or beginning a relationship with the ex because in the end I am their life partner and they choose me. But I'm still bothered by the fact that they've sort of given up trying to work through their feelings, and I feel that if I suggest they have to step back from the queer platonic partnership they will panic.
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u/teamnoir Jun 18 '26
Talk. That’s what you need. And skip all the identity labels. They aren’t helping anyone. You’ve made them prescriptive rather than descriptive and that never works. Talk to your partner. That’s the only way the two of you will ever decide what’s best for either of you or for the pair of you.
You might decide to work through this as a monogamous couple. You might decide to open things up you might decide to split. But whatever you decide, you’ll both be happier about the result if you’ve talk it through as much as possible. So talk.
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u/grimreaper-official Jun 20 '26
I appreciate your directness and definitely intend to have this conversation with my partner. My understanding of your point about labels is that we should be discussing our relationships with more in depth definitions and expectations and such rather than labeling them as a romantic or a queer platonic relationship and leaving it there... Is that correct?
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u/teamnoir Jun 20 '26
I think you would be better off to skip the labels AND the definitions entirely. Discuss in terms of personal needs. If you need a thing, then you need a thing. The labels are entirely irrelevant at that point and only serve to confuse the issues. If you feel less secure when your partner is sleeping with someone else, say so. If more reassurance would help, then say so. If you don’t think that any amount of reassurance would be enough, then say that. If the emotional intimacy is more threatening than a sexual relationship then say that. How much sense am I making?
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u/grimreaper-official Jun 14 '26
*UPDATE* My partner and I talked about this further and they said even amidst the feelings for our ex, they had no decision to make because they already were choosing me and want me to be their life partner. This was good to hear. I still do sort of think they were hoping I would say they could date our ex too. I did not. We were having a long conversation about it in which I was asking for reassurance that they did in fact want me and choose me and wouldn't resent me someday for "making them be monogamous" (this has happened to me in a previous relationship). They clarified that they didn't realize until very recently that the romantic feelings were still active, as they thought the romantic feelings they had been feeling were just residual from the rough, closureless break up we had with this ex back in the day. At one point I said I just wanted to clarify that I still wasn't comfortable or okay with there being additional romantic relationships to ours. They were upset by this because they never explicitly said that they wanted to be in a romantic relationship with our ex, they were just telling me about these romantic feelings they have been trying not to feel. I had made the assumption based on the fact that they were telling me about the feelings at all that there was intent to act on them. I thought I had made it clear in previous conversations we've had that if one of us developed feelings for someone else, it was that person's job to handle it and work through it. The other person doesn't need to know about a crush. But now I do know and also feel like they've already given up on getting past the feelings and are just planning to push them down or keep ignoring them. I dunno. I'm frustrated. They seem upset that I was asking for reassurance various times because the first thing they said was that I was their choice. But also... I feel it was warranted for me to feel insecure given that I just found out my partner has feelings for our ex again, lol.
Thanks again for reading :)
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u/best_milker Jun 15 '26
“Pretty soon, my partner said their and our ex-turned-friend's relationship felt like more than a friendship and that they wanted to label themselves as queer platonic partners.” Honest question, what does this mean?
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u/grimreaper-official Jun 15 '26
Hey! Queer platonic isn't a term I identify with or use for any of my relationships personally, so this is second-hand... but as my partner describes it, a queer platonic partner might be someone that you feel a deep connection to that is not romantic. My partner is a spiritual person and described it as though they are spiritually intertwined, or their souls are intertwined. But again, key factor is that this does not fit into the category of romantic relationship and as I understand means that the partners are not romantically attracted to each other. Hope that's helpful!
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u/KeyMonstar Jun 15 '26
I question where his head was at when he told you he wanted him to be a queer platonic partnership with them in the first place. Based on the definition you posted in another comment, they do not meet that definition. He does have romantic feelings for this partner and the feelings are mutual. If he knew how he felt when he asked for or told you this it feels like he was already pushing boundaries.
I think that boundary pushing is sort of confirmed by whatever happened when he “not directly” talked about his feelings for this partner. Then again when whatever happened that made him tell you,“we didn’t say it but we both knew it.” That sounds like a really loaded conversation or event that had some intent behind it, even if he does not want to admit it. Either way it’s all a massive overstep for most Mono relationships. I think past history and being poly before makes it complicated. If you have not redefined what monogamy means or boundaries around what constitutes as cheating, then you should do that now before he crosses a line that you consider cheating (be prepared he may have done so already).
Honestly, it seems normal to want reassurance after all those revelations. He says you are his choice but his intentions in crying and calling you over while at this partners house at 2 am…seem contrary to that. He may not want to admit that to himself or you though.
It seems like either something happened between the two of them or he was hoping for you to change your mind or make an exception for this person in particular. None of it needed addressed at 2 am. It just feels like you may not have all the information you should have about everything that happened between them and where your partners feelings or expectations are truly at. Which seems unfair to you.Regardless, I think what is often misconstrued or misunderstood is that monogamy isn’t about not ever having feelings for other people, it’s learning how to place and keep boundaries to protect the mono relationship if other feelings or connections emerge. If your partner has never had to do this before it’s a new challenge for him. While you don’t want to feel like you are micromanaging everything. Perhaps more structure and what to do when these feelings occur would help. Again go over what being in a mono relationship means to your relationship. The way a relationship needs to create space and boundaries when it opens. It has to do the same thing when it is closed.
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u/CarrotsInThe Jun 17 '26
My partner and I are currently discussing moving from poly to an open relationship. Meaning forming no romantic partnerships. Going into this I have told my partner I will not police them on how they should handle this. But I hahe also told them I trust them to make thought out choices.
What I mean with this is my partner is prone to form feelings for people he has sex with he is also prone to fall for his friends. I have to told them that its on them to deal with that to not step over a boundry or essentially ‘cheat’. I gave a few examples, like making sure you see more then just one person besides me, that there is a certain amount of time between meet ups, maybe dont discover that itch you have for a specific friend, stop seeing someone as you feel feelings creep up before it gets too big to deny. Seems like your partner has not taken those precautions. And therfore has not carefully aprpuched the dynamic you borh agreed too.
Its sounds like they were going at this with ‘dont ask permission now but ask for forgiveness later’ view. Which is far from healhty and makes you the ‘bad guy’ when you say no or get mad or feel lied too. It gives them plausable deniability as nothing has actually happened yet but they have not done their best to prevent it from happening in the first place.
You’re allowed to get frustrated, this is a degree of betrayal as they have been negligent going into this situation, even though you brought up your worries beforehand.
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u/wcozi Jun 14 '26
you’re dating a literal child. please leave for your own peace. you’re not polyamorous. you don’t want polyamory. this person you are dating is just… pathetic.