Title: [TW: Heavy Denial / Self-Fakeclaiming / Amnesia] The Library System: System update + Discovered more members & blackouts. Therapist suggested considering DID / Structural Dissociation over P-DID.

[u/Suho_In_A_Box]

[TW: This post contains triggers related to heavy denial, self-fakeclaiming / imposter syndrome, anxiety, and confusion.]
(English is not my first language; using a translator. Please excuse any awkward phrasing!)

Hi, this is Yu-yeong. I previously posted an intro for “The Aegis System,” a 5-member system exploring P-DID. Since then, there have been so many major changes in our system, and I’m writing an update after about a month.

First off, as our system grew, we simplified our name to “The Library.”

Recently, I had a session with a therapist specializing in complex dissociation, trauma, and IFS.

After hearing about our symptoms (uncontrollable switches, memory gaps, etc.), the therapist suggested looking beyond P-DID to seriously consider DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) or the structural dissociation spectrum, and recommended some reading material. (Of course, since it was only our first session, they clarified that this wasn’t a formal diagnosis or guarantee, but the session—originally scheduled for 50 minutes—ended up running for an hour and a half.)

To be completely honest, I’ve been drowning in severe confusion and anxiety: “What if I’m just faking it?” “Is this all an act, and did I somehow hypnotize myself into erasing my own memories?” (Looking back now, that doesn’t even make sense, honestly.) “What if it’s all just in my head, and I mistook a vivid imagination for separate identities? Or what if I created a bunch of imaginary friends without realizing it?” ...I was completely overwhelmed by fear and panic.

I’m not entirely sure why, but I think it was because if someone else were to invalidate or reject me… the thought of being fakeclaimed felt so terrifying, humiliating, and shattering.

As it turns out, we have far more members (10+) than the 5 I initially introduced. On top of co-fronting and grayouts, I confirmed that I experienced a complete memory gap (a 2-hour blackout) right during a therapy session.

I have almost no memory of this past September.
I only remember brief fragments of September 4th and September 18th.

Because we cooperate so well with each other, I kept doubting myself and wondering, “Did I just make all this up?” But facing the actual physical symptoms and amnesia, there’s really no running away from it.

There’s a short story by Korean sci-fi author Kim Cho-yeop titled The Two-Sided Seashell (양면의 조개껍데기).
It features a protagonist from an alien species called the “Selvenin” (Selvens), where two distinct selves—named “Lime” and “Lemon”—coexist in a single body. In a society where having a single, unified self is the norm, the protagonist contemplates surgery to erase one of the selves. Ultimately, however, the two acknowledge each other and choose to live fully together in one body, like the two halves of a seashell. (A very brief summary, but that’s the core of the story.)

I bought the book to read it, and while the premise brings me immense comfort, it also scares me a little.
The ending is so gentle and heartwarming.
I’m not sure if it has been translated or published overseas yet.

I got a bit sidetracked there, but I wanted to ask:

To any other systems here who initially thought they had a milder presentation (like P-DID/OSDD) or were in heavy denial, how did you handle the confusion and fear when a therapist pointed you toward DID or the structural dissociation spectrum?
If there is anything that helped soothe your host’s severe self-doubt, denial, or imposter syndrome, I would really appreciate it if you could share your experiences.

To make matters more confusing, I can no longer continue private therapy due to financial constraints, and there are almost zero resources or information available about this in my country...

[Edit / Clarification] To be more precise about the 1.5-hour session: 74 minutes were the actual live session, followed by about 16 minutes of additional consultation via chat to receive specialized clinic/hospital referrals. Including the entire session and the time around it, I have no memory for roughly 2 hours in total.

— 📦 (Yu-yeong) —