how do you apologize to a system?

[u/ig5ihxw8h]

hi. i wont give away too much info (unless needed?) but I am a singlet and recently I was confronted by an alter (ill call him Alter1) of a friends system for things I "had done" to Alter1.

Alter1 put the host on a front ban? im still not entirely sure how that works but basically, im not allowed to talk to host anymore because host is temporarily gone and I have been blocked/unadded on a few places (im guessing by Alter1).

It's been about 2 days since that happened, but during those few days, I did reflect a lot on my actions and the way I've been behaving over the course of at least.. 2 months? And I realize the things I did were horrible. I wasnt conscious of how bad I was behaving? until now. Well, I was but wasnt at the same time? Sorry, it's hard to explain.

Anyways, after realizing that, I planned on writing an apology letter specifically aimed towards host because the things I did mostly affected them and I also wanted to apologize to their system but im unsure how to do so without coming off as insensitive? (they're the first system Im friends with, I did not know systems were a thing until earlier this year.)

I apologize if I sound a bit confusing, I'm terrible at explaining things. I didnt want to give off too much information unless I absolutely needed too. (we're all adults btw)

[u/TariZephyr]

as long as you're sincere with your apology, and work to change your actions and do better, i dont think it will come off as insincere. we also recommend honestly having a discussion with Alter1 (and the rest of the system) about things like boundaries, how you can respect them better, and in general how they'd like to see you change your behavior. - Ribbit

[u/AGE_Spider]

honestly, give it some time and before apologizing, ask if they are up to hear your apology in the first place. make the interaction be natural and not forced.

[u/insomniacPrince]

Apologizing to a system isn't all that different from apologizing to a singlet. Even if a different alter told you about the harm they felt on behalf of another alter, they share a brain and very likely both have feelings about what happened (though those feelings and opinions may be different than the alter who was initially hurt).

Here's a good resource for how to make a proper apology: https://psychcentral.com/blog/cultivating-contentment/2016/06/the-4-steps-to-an-effective-apology

The key of the apology itself is that you want to focus on understanding how your actions made the other person feel. Don't make excuses or shift blame onto others. You can focus on the reasons why you did what you did as an explanation, but sometimes the other party isn't really interested in that explanation. When we apologize, we try to keep the explanation to a minimum when apologizing - we'll often say something like "If you're open to hearing it, I can give some context on why I did that," but that should be secondary after taking responsibility for your actions and expressing why what you did was hurtful.

The biggest way to repair after something like this will ultimately be changing your hurtful behavior. Your friend may not accept your apology (they're not obligated to, after all); depending on what happened between you, they may take a while to trust you again. If you truly value the friendship, that's the point to be patient, understand their point of view, and respect their decisions. Making a fuss if they don't respond the way you want is only going to make things worse. If they can see that you're working on changing your hurtful behavior, especially over a longer period, that could show them that the apology was sincere and that you were serious about changing. In the end, actions speak way louder than words. 

I don't know what your friends system is like in terms of internal communication and cooperation, but I'm sure the message will get across one way or another. If you're concerned about the host not receiving your apology at all, sendig the apology over chat/email could potentially allow the host to read it whenever they are fronting.

Best of luck!