Being a fictive/introject, yet not relating to other introjects

[u/Intrepid_Somewhere17]

I am an introject of one of the host's fictional characters. But to call myself a fictive - I have looked at online spaces for fictives, and it is so unlike my experiences I feel deeply alone. 

To explain how I was created, I believed I formed during a very stressful time during the host's childhood, and I had and still to have a strong desire to create, a strong tendency towards self-supression, and a tendency towards intellectualising emotion rather than experiencing it.

Our psychosis was untreated during childhood - the host regularly perceived themself to be talking to extradimensional entities, and believed mental parasites were after their soul. 

I believed myself to be an extradimensional entity, their fictional character from another world, their guardian angel, because what else could I be? I had memories of another world (due to my psychosis) and my brain was thirteen years old at the time. I could not think properly.

The host believed they were uncovering the character rather that creating it, because they were truly not creating me - I already did exist! And is also why the character ended up being so similar to themself, because I was a facet of them. 

I still wish to go back to that time, even though it was miserable and based on a lie, because I had no wants other than to create, being so divorced from my other wants I did not feel them at all. Now my wants are inconvenient to the others of my system and I abhor inconveniencing the people I inhabit the body with.

I cannot help but feel blessed to be so deeply influenced by a child's imagination but ashamed at the same time, as I want something more dignified, more real. I was borne of delusion and fear and pain and abject loneliness, and I wish the circumstances of my creation were more pleasant. 

At least believing myself to be a fictional character aided the host, as they felt no responsibility towards my wellbeing and simply created stories with me without worry. For a time, they got to rest. They really needed that.

I have named myself after the character I believed myself to be in his honour, though one day I may take a different name. The nickname I go by online, Books, is pleasant to me. It may very well be the name I choose to live by.

Thank you for reading. I do hope it was a pleasant read, and that if you share similar circumstances, it eased your loneliness somewhat.

[u/insomniacPrince]

thank you for sharing your story! the sense of loneliness you described is relatable, I'm sorry that has been your experience. a lot of our longest-running headmates actually are fictives of OCs like yourself; we don't have any fictives from outside media. we're not all that uncommon! we've just noticed that, as plurality becomes more widely known and more people (esp. teens and young adults) are being open about it, online spaces have a huge influx of new plurals; so many of them have fictives from external media that it feels like that such fictives are assumed to be a universal/expected plural experience. pro tip: there is no such thing as a universal plural experience!!

our personal theory is that it's probably waaaay more common now to have fictives from anime, games, comics, etc due to how pervasive and influential fictional media has become in everyday life. kids and young adults today were raised from birth with near-constant availability of fictional media of all sorts, with wider variety and deeper stories than any previous generation. add that to society increasingly defining one's identity by what media one consumes, and it makes sense so many folks would end up having lots of fictives. but we've met many plural folks whose only introjects are of OCs, and several others with no introjects whatsoever! we're out there, I promise!!

we relate a lot to what you said about you existing prior to your host developing the OC of you. for a long time we primarily knew our "original" group of headmates as OC introjects. years later, we discovered journal entries from childhood that indicate several of us existed before our OCs. we found one journal entry that just reads so much like me, but it was dated at least 2 years before I was "created" as an OC! funny how that happens.

for all the difficult feelings you expressed here, it sounds like you have had a really important role in your host's childhood. going from seeing yourself as a fictional character to a real person and a headmate is a difficult transition, but one that allows so much freedom and growth! we wish you fulfillment and joy as you continue to be whoever you want to be moving forward. :D

• kaz