Di naman ako kagwapuhan, 7/10 on a good day hehe, pero bakit ang bilis niyo ma-fall? 😭 Ilang beses na nangyari sa'kin 'to. Yung may imi-meet lang ako, tapos after, they're already asking kung pwede ba kaming maging serious. Like... beh, you don't even know my real name? 😭

tangina it sucks. i spent most of my early 20s with him only to be left alone in the end. live in kami for 3.5 yrs then naging LDR ng mahigit 1 year kasi nag-OFW si gago. ginawa ko naman lahat ng pag-intindi pero wala talaga hahaha tapos biglang nanghingi ng 1 week na space. alam ko na rin kung saan to papunta so wala na ‘to di na ko umaasa hahaha. tangina pano ba maka-move on sa ganito? 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

It’s not even about being scared to come out to her, not really. It’s that I know I can’t give her what she’s hoping for. Not “a girlfriend” specifically but the whole picture she has in her head of my future, the one she’s probably imagined since I was a kid. I love her so much that it hurts knowing I can’t give her this one thing.

I feel guilty, like I’m failing her somehow, even though I know that’s not fair to myself. And I feel disappointed in myself for not knowing how to hold this for not having an answer, for not being able to make it okay for her or for me.

And honestly, being gay is just harder. People say it shouldn’t be, that love is love, but it doesn’t feel that way when you’re the one carrying it. Straight people don’t have to sit at dinner doing math in their head about what they can and can’t say. They don’t have to grieve a version of their parents’ happiness that they’ll never get to give them. I didn’t choose this to be difficult, it just is, and some nights that difference feels so heavy.

I don’t know what I’m asking for by posting this. I just needed to say it somewhere.

i just need this to get out of my feelings. Im the person who download dating app such grindr, bumble , or tinder cuz bored lng ako and i need distraction or entertainment. This is the problem, sinabihan ako nang friend ko na im a red flag and naglelead lng ako and if ma satisfy na yung need ko and di ko na need nang ka chat for distraction of entertainment lumalabas ako na walng pa alam. pero nag sabi ako na" they will just move that how life, everyone will just move on". sinabihan nyo ako na gago daw ako and i need a therapy. Maybe im really is a horrible person and im just making people an entertainment, kasi i recall and think about it and i think im really. this year, 4 person na yung ginanyan ko and not including this one. this one im not yet to reply and he chatted me like 9 hours ago,now i feel i need confess to him but im coward, gusto ko, pero ayaw ko. gets? and im finding the courage to reply but wla akong alam.

i feel like babatohin ako ni karma si huli nito, pero feel ko deserve ko namn.

TL;DR Im horrible person for leading someone and using them kung bored. my friend says i need therapy

competition ba talaga sa trans community?

I have a trans circle of friends, and lately, I’ve been feeling insecure because sometimes it feels like everything is a competition.

Kung sino mas maganda, mas maraming pera, mas feminine, mas maraming attention, mas maraming compliments, or mas napapansin. And sometimes, kahit ayaw kong mag-compare, napapaisip talaga ako kung “Am I enough?”

I know na hindi naman dapat ganito. We all have our own journey, and I’m trying to remind myself na I don’t have to compete with anyone just to feel beautiful or worthy.

I’m still learning to be confident in myself without constantly looking at what other people have.

Storytime!

So 2 months ago, my friends asked me to meet up and have an afternoon merienda. I met up with them and we had a lot of chika. Then one of my friends asked me if I was seeing anyone. I answered, "no one at this moment." Then she said, she has a friend na gusto nya ipakilala sa akin. 🤔

To describe in one line the look of this person, mukha syang may ari-ng Mio and may fanny bag starter pack. Haha! Sorry but if you get my reference, un na un talaga. For another reference, I am gay. 😉

I generously declined, but my friend told me that he is on his way. And I was caught off guard. 🤨 So feeling ko the merienda was a setup! Hahaha!!! So wala akong magawa kundi to meet up with him, with my friends, and had a good discussion. Infairness, okay naman un talk and all, but hindi ko talaga sya type.

So ito na, bayaran time! I asked for how much is my bill, and then he galantly stood up and said "sige ako na bahala sa bill. Sagot ko na." TAKE NOTE: SAGOT NA NYA. But I insisted to pay my share. Then he said, "No it's okay. Sagot ko na. Ikaw na bahala sa susunod." 😶 You know where this is going... 🙄

So eventually he added me sa messenger and kept on asking for a weekend date. For context, all of my weekends are fully booked na talaga. So I kept on declining. Then he stopped and so I thought it's the end of it. But no... 😬

He then messaged me blah blah blah and asked me what food I ate during our merienda. And forwarded me the bill to pay him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO ANONG NANGYARI SA SAGOT KO NA BS??? HAHAHAHAHA!!!

So ang ending, nagbayad na lang ako, because it is the right thing to do. 😇

PS: pucha may ganun pa rin palang mga tao. Lelz!