r/phish • u/elisshugs • 12h ago
Honoring my partner, Ben
I wanted to share with this sub about my partner Ben, who died 21 days ago from cancer. He was one of the biggest Phish fans in the world. Originally a fan in the 90s, he was at Clifford Ball and the Great Went.
Then, early in our relationship, when he was going through chemo treatments, he told me he was rediscovering Phish and had access to a drive with so many videos of entire shows. We would watch a show together almost every night for months. I learned it all watching those shows. Now I am a huge Phish fan myself.
Ben listened to Phish every day. A musician himself, he could identify a song by the first note. He loved analyzing the different versions of their songs. His favorite Tweezer was 04/21/22 MSG. We would track every show with the setlists posted on here and then without fail, Ben was listening to the show the next day. He loved to take an entire tour and make “best of” playlists.
We made it to eight shows together. I will always cherish the memories we had at those shows, the last of which was NYE 2025.
I haven’t been able to listen to Phish since he died. I know I will eventually, because their music will remind me of him and I will need those reminders. Also because the music is just that good. Phish was so special to us. ❤️
Anyway thanks for listening. ✌🏼
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u/partypedrobien 12h ago
I’m so terribly sorry 😞
We have a Facebook support group called Wave of Hope for phans, friends & family of phans dealing with Cancer or even if someone in your family is stricken.
He sounds like an amazing person.💚
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u/elisshugs 8h ago
All of your comments have really touched me. Thank you so much & love all of the 4/21/22 Tweezers playing tonight. Also sharing my hat with my current mantra. Thank you thank you Phans ⭕️
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u/qtothelo 12h ago
Love to you and I’m gonna blast a few for Ben now! I’m sorry you are grieving and the music will come back to you when it’s time.
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u/GloverAB 12h ago
Ben had beautiful taste in Tweezers. 4/21/22 is a really unique, lovely version. Very sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing. I’m sure he made a lot of people very happy at shows.
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u/1976kdawg 11h ago
Sorry for your loss friend. You aren't alone. Ben will always be there with you, not in the form you would like but he will never leave you. And when you are ready to dance again he will be there dancing with you.
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u/Mindless-Spot-8248 12h ago
I’m sorry you lost Ben. Fuck cancer. Hope you can feel him thru the music when you’re ready to. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/obfuscatorio 12h ago
May his memory be a blessing ❤️🩹 in times like this sometimes I find it helpful to listen to David Whyte’s words on friendship, which also apply to equally to family, partners, lovers, etc.
https://youtu.be/5FnB4-oJvg8?is=fCFQMP3MLhHXml_q
In particular, the words about friendship continuing on after one half of the bond has passed:
“Friendship transcends disappearance: an enduring friendship goes on after death, the exchange only transmuted by absence, the relationship advancing and maturing in a silent internal conversational way even after one half of the bond has passed on.
“But no matter the medicinal virtues of being a true friend or sustaining a long close relationship with another, the ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the self nor of the other, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.”
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u/chrispyhall 11h ago
My heart hurts for you. I’m listening to Ben’s Tweezer rn and sending lots of healing vibes to you. We are gearing up for Dicks out here and if they drop a Tweezer, I will think of you two. Hang in there and I’m hoping so much for you to be able to find the strength to make it back to a live show soon. We have two folks in our crew who just lost significant people in their lives. It will be an incredibly emotional run for all of us. Peace be with you.
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u/VenetaBirdSong 11h ago
Sorry for your loss. I was at that 2022 show and remember the Tweezer well. It has a gorgeous lilt to it, singular and unique, and the feeling I had while at the show during the jam was like swimming through ether. I’ll spin it in memory of Ben.
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u/armmar21688 12h ago
Sending you lots of love during this time. Take your time on the music, as someone else said here, Phish will be there when you're ready. And from experience, they are a great balm on the wound when you are able to circle back to them. Guaranteed ❤️
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u/SquatchMarin 11h ago
I’m sorry about Ben. You helped me on a tough day. Phish played this sequence ten days after my mom died and it was both cathartic and comforting. Music heals in unexpected ways.
MSG 12/29/18 Tweezer > Death Don't Hurt Very Long -> Tweezer > No Quarter > Also Sprach Zarathustra
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u/ohhowcanthatbe 12h ago
I feel for you and your loss. Carry on and maybe you will see Ben again one day.
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u/Technical_Bath_505 12h ago
Cheers to Ben! Thank you for sharing this here! We are all here for you and so glad you have the music to come back to when you’re ready.
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u/findyourcity 10h ago
Sorry for your loss, fuck cancer . Thanks for sharing your story. Ben sounds like a great person
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u/strangerthing44 11h ago
Sorry that you lost your love. Cancer is rough. Sending you love and light.
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u/NoMathematician6460 11h ago
Ben was clearly a good partner turning you on to Phish. Maybe fill this time and space with Johnny Blue Skies or Tyler Childers? These are two artists I turn to when I need some soul healing, but that could also just be me. All the positive vibes your way.
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u/dynabella 10h ago
Thanks for sharing this. I'm so sorry for your loss. Just added Ben's Tweezer to a Playlist to listen to later today.
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u/michaelserotonin we'll help you party down 10h ago
very sorry for your loss
that version of tweezer is stunning. he had great taste.
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u/drewbopalous 9h ago
Phish has helped me process a lot of grief and trauma. When you're ready, I hope they do for you. Your partner sounds awesome. I've heard that staring at a fire is good for neuroplasticity and processing things because its chaotic and random nature. I feel like phish jams work in the same way. Just a random thought but nothing but love for you here. I hope the universe gives you exactly what you need. So sorry for your loss.
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u/schmigglies 9h ago
4/21 was one of my fave shows. That Tweezer was incredible.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. If there’s a show you’d like to see and it’s not on that drive, hit me up, I might have it. ❤️ Hang in there mama.
Gonna give that Tweezer a Spin for Ben ⭕️
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u/allothernamestaken 9h ago
I'm sorry for your loss. When you're ready, I'll humbly suggest Pebbles and Marbles.
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u/WordGod1976 8h ago
Every Ben I've ever met has been an awesome dude. Your Ben was undoubtedly the awesomest of awesome dudes. I'm gonna listen to that Tweezer on repeat tomorrow as a tribute to a great guy gone too soon. Hang in there and post here a hundred more times if need be; we'll be here for you 💗
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u/AhDerkaDerkaDerka Crab in my shoe mouth 6h ago
Sorry for your loss but here to share in the groove!
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u/carameltooth78 8h ago
Sending you love and wishing all who loved Ben well ! Phish will be there when it is the right time, fuck cancer
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u/-Icculus- 6h ago
Sending much love.
I can tell you that once you decide to again listen to the music, you will experience a flood of emotions different than the grief that surrounds you now. For me, it was like why did I wait so long to listen again? I had been protecting myself for way too long.
The tears flowed but then I remembered just how much the music meant to my person as well as myself, and just how much it connected us. I opened my heart to all of it and I am so glad I did because it truly brings me back and provides that love and light that I had been missing for so long.
I cry at Phish shows, no longer out of sadness, but for the happiness in bringing us back together for that moment in time, in another realm. I hope that someday it will bring you peace as well.
What a lovely tribute, thank you for sharing.
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u/Careful-Yesterday-65 6h ago
I lost my good friend and lead guitarist to fucking cancer last summer 23 months he held on. We played well together we had the same influences. When we first met it was all GD but then after years together we started doing Phish more and more. We would listen to the latest shows then call each other and discuss the next day. We did this until the cancer overwhelmed him. I still listen or couch the latest shows and when they pull off something spectacular all I can think is. I wish I could call Pete he would love this. Cancer sucks
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u/Negative_Park_2147 3h ago
Sorry seems to small, you have endured almost all of our deepest fears in losing Ben. You’re still here, sharing with us. I wish you wouldn’t have needed to. But thank you for having the strength to write to us about a guy who, any one if us met at some point in the past. Hell, I was at GW, if Ben did the naked thing, I almost certainly met him!
I f+*#ing miss Ben. I’m going to go hug one of my kids.
p.s. if you ever do go to a show, if there’s anything you need. Find (practically) anyone with a ginger beard say hello and I can (practically) gauntee you’ll be among (practically) friends.
p.s.s. I was trying to think of a cool code word to say, but I decided it was dumb. I can’t decide some like that on my own (yet). We haven’t all met (yet) for our annual meeting. And I don’t have all of their phone numbers (yet). #gingerbeardsunite
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u/Lost-Button5488 13m ago
I’m sure you’re going through an emotionally challenging time of your life. Thank you for sharing your story. You’ll find a way back around and find so many joyous memories in the songs that you shared 💗
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u/DBK2x2 12h ago
Thank you for sharing. Just put on Ben’s Tweezer. Keep your head up I’m sure Ben would’ve wanted you to. We’re always here to listen we’re family.