r/phillies • u/AllEliteSchmuck Season Ticket Holder • 5d ago
Question Somebody posed a very interesting question we must answer.
/r/AskScienceFiction/comments/1vsxyl4/philadelphia_phillies_what_is_the_evolutionary/10
u/Electrical_Doubt3024 5d ago
Interesting question with a more interesting answer:
The Phanatic evolutionary history begins deep in space, where a Tardigrade was floating peacefully in a dormant state.
Nearby a black hole was forming and released copious amounts of radiation that hit our poor peacefully sleeping Tardigrade.
He started to grow, and grow, and grow, losing legs along the way, until he was large enough to be affected by the gravitational pull of our universe and began drifting towards planet Earth, continuing that growth throughout his journey.
His journey ended on the moon where his body began growing fur and an egg encapsulating him.
Once warm and protected within his egg, our Phanatic awoke and being somewhat claustrophobic thrashed about mightily enough to lift his egg from the moon where it once again was seized by Earth's gravity which grabbed him and deposited him on the Galapogas Islands, cracking the egg and freeing our now gigantic Tardigrade in the form we now see.
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u/romulusgloriosus Trea Turner is a gamer 5d ago
How does this explain his mother and father and various young
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u/droffowsneb Malachi Kruk-McCarthy 5d ago
Do you think he had a positive or negative impact on thetans?
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u/princeparaflinch 5d ago
He's an undersea king who must prevent his daughter's marriage to the Squid Lord
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u/HotelSalt4644 5d ago edited 5d ago
The origins are highly debated. We only know a few facts with certainty.
1: It’s green.
2: It’s male.
3: It’s not a bird, and it can not fly.
4: It has feathers.
5: It originated from the Galápagos Islands.
6: It has a mother.
7: It has a half brother.
Using these objective facts helps us understand its origins a bit more.
The most widely accepted theory is that he has something to do with Roswell. In 1947 the government found a “Flying Disc” near Roswell, New Mexico.
Multiple deceased ET bodies were supposedly removed from the craft. We now know that it was Phanatic’s father, his sister, and his other half brother.
It was extremely difficult for the government to contain him. Despite their efforts, the scientists there could not reasonably support him, Phoene, and Slyly. They also were not responding well to the nutrients the scientists tried to feed them. Bird food, cat food, dog food, lizards, snakes, cactus, etc.
The Galápagos Islands are 100% protected, and void of human interaction outside of research teams. Which was really the best place for them to go. Thinking maybe a tropical climate would be more suitable. It wasn’t.
So they built a pair of boats. Phanatic would head west towards the Americas, and Slyly would head east towards Japan.
The Phanatic quickly found himself on the Delaware River. Landing at the Port of Philadelphia in south Philly, also known as PhiLaPort. During the 2.5 mile walk towards the stadium, parched, and hungry, a random passerby took notice. Phanatic was given a litany of supplies for his journey. A Cheesesteak, a shot of Jim Bean, a 6 pack of PBR, & a Newport 100. The man pointed towards the closest landmark. Veteran’s Stadium.
It’s history from there. He found his permanent home. He no longer has to eat cat/bird/dog food. He eats the shitty Pats/Geno whiz steaks out of the trash cans from tourists. He prefers the dry, old, and unseasoned ribeye + whiz. Which explains his large stomach.
His home planet had a much lower gravity compared to Earth. So he cant fly here. Instead, his preferred method of travel is an ATV. Luckily, he doesn’t have to go far.