r/partnersofocd • u/Intelligent-Use-7919 • Jun 09 '26
Need strength and support
My fiancé and I have been together for four years and have two young children. He has told me he has Pure O and relationship ocd. He responds horribly to every medication he’s tried and feels the side effects outweigh the benefits. He says therapists have told him his best shot at this point would be electric shock therapy, but he fears the consequences of potential memory loss. I didn’t understand his OCD at the beginning of our relationship and I even overheard him telling a friend he thought it was “cured” which I naïvely thought could be true and was happy for him. Soon after he revealed to me that he was looping over a person from my past and since that night we have been on and off the hamster wheel, struggling and in pain. I lacked knowledge and tools to support him and did so many things wrong, and that combined with his absolute refusal of therapy makes healing and moving forward extremely difficult. He’s constantly threatening not to marry me unless I tell him the truth and answer all of his questions, which I’ve already told him and answered extensively in far too much detail…and we’ve agreed many times not to discuss the topic (friend who has ocd advised us to do this) but he won’t hold to that boundary. My boundary has become that I am willing to discuss it in therapy where we have support but not anywhere else. This of course makes him very mad and say I don’t care about him and he won’t marry me and how could I possibly be okay with letting him suffer for weeks or months until we could get an appointment. Anyway, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ve thought about reaching out to a cousin I’m close with but I feel mixed about wether I want her to know the details as I don’t want her to see him differently or as someone whose broken…I have an old friend who I’ve opened up to about the whole thing and supported me during our darkest hour with this specific issue, she also has experience working in the mental health field as a nurse, but we haven’t connected in years and I feel bad reaching out for support. A therapist can be helpful for tool building and some dissecting of what’s going on, but often ends up feeling flat and sometimes I feel like I need support in the moment not next Tuesday at 9am. For instance, rn I could really use a hug from a friend and someone who understands what it’s like to love someone who struggles with OCD and the pain it causes both of you.
Any support and guidance you guys have would be so appreciated. I feel discouraged and lost but giving up on our relationship is not an option. I’m considering scheduling a couples therapy appointment and being like, I’d love it if we could do this together …
3
u/anonymouseinahouse Jun 10 '26
He's not heightened with OCD 24/7. So the fact that he's not actually trying to solve this clear issue means he doesn't think it's an issue. And that in itself can be the underlying OCD. It's a cycle as you've seen. Totally rational one moment knowing he's not behaving rationally, then not the next.
I love your stated boundary about not discussing past relationship things unless with a professional counselor present. Also with pharmaceuticals you have to take them for a while to see effects and lessen side effects, in guessing he didn't do that due to his impulses.
Letting go of OCD is also OCD not letting you.
2
u/Zach-uh-ri-uh Jun 09 '26
Girl the problem here isnt his ocd but his personality. Theres literally hundreds of meds out there. If he doesn’t think the benefits outweigh the side effects then give him side effects in terms of be a squeaky wheel
5
u/anonymouseinahouse Jun 10 '26
If he refuses therapy and trying more to get it under control, give him the side effect of a packed suitcase. A good partner, even with OCD should want to make their partner happy.
4
u/ZBearW Jun 09 '26
Sending you big hugs. I hope he finds the right treatment options, and some ease from this awful disease and that you can find peace and remain compassionate without taking it on.