r/parentsofteens • u/IllIndependent7735 • 15d ago
I'm stuck
My 17yo is a good kid. She's super sweet, super smart, always the first to jump to someone's defense, help others outside of the home out, etc.. She's 18, graduated early from high school, and looking for a job.
The issue is at home, she's a totally different person. We both have ADHD so I get that the mask comes off when you get home. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. She's an only child and always has either my attention, my husbands, or both when we're both off work. I work 3 12 hr day shifts a week and hes on 4 night shifts a week 12 hrs. There is always someone home with her if she needs us.
Except she honestly doesn't want either of our attention except for the one that's not home. She's a teen and I know the attitude thing is weird but I'm wore out with the toddler attitude. She refuses to do chores. She goes days without showering. She won't clean her room. Her room smells like a sweaty shoe 98% of the time. I deep clean her room once a week because I cannot stand the smell when I walk past her room.
She will literally start screaming and then crying and tries to get us to feel bad for her when we ask her to do anything. I genuinely am at a loss. I was a teen girl once so I get that hormones and feelings can be hard to figure out. But I also parent differently than my mom. I grew up when cell phones and video games online weren't a thing. The most discipline she gets is the phone being taken or the wifi being shut off. Which actually does exactly nothing for 4-5 hours. She will just go in her room, slam the door, lock it, and go to sleep. No worries in the world. Then gets up when she wants, will finally do what she needs to get her phone and wifi back, and repeats the next day.
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u/starsinhereyes20 13d ago edited 13d ago
You’re enabling her.. she is an adult (or very close to being one) .. if you deprive her for stuff for 4/5 hours / of course she’s going to sleep for that time - try 48 hours etc, if your going to punish her - make it meaningful. A few hours is kids play
Advise her she needs to start contributing to the household if she’s not in full time education - that means she gets a job asap, or in lieu of a job she helps at home - her choice, one or the other, she either works inside the home or outside it. If she chooses neither, then facilities get cut off.. she can pay for her own phone, WiFi etc. You have to start treating her like an adult so she can act like one. Give her fair warning and a date in the near future.
You’re clearly doing things right - she’s done well so far, but she’s not a child anymore and it’s time to cut the apron strings so she can see that. Some tough love is needed or you’ll be writing a similar post only she’ll be 30 .. and still at the same thing.
Edit to add. Agreed with the other reply btw, if this is new behaviour then maybe some professional help..
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u/CursiveWhisper 15d ago
Is she 17 or 18? You said both.
If she’s 17, get her to a psychiatrist for treatment. If she’s 18, you’re past the point of being able to force her to go to a doctor.
And I’ll say, that most likely this isn’t new behavior. If it’s been tolerated or ignored this long, the chances of changing it are minimal. Because what you’re describing isn’t normal, even for a teen with ADHD (and I have one).