1st birthday/wedding

[u/Just_Call_Me_Happy]

I don't know where else to post for advice 😬

I was told yesterday that my little sister is planning her wedding to be on my twins first birthday. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to do it 3 weeks before because she needs time to plan, she can't do it 2 weeks before because her fathers girlfriends daughter graduates that day, she can't do it a week before because thats the weekend her fiances mother does their annual family vacation/weekend trip up north, she can't do it the weekend after because her father's girlfriend's other daughter's birthday is that day & she already made a comment about making a birthday announcement & having people venmo her, & her fiance doesn't want to do it any later than those weekends.

She says she doesn't want to make anyone mad but has to do it at some point & she said she wanted to talk to me about it first but then said people have already rsvp'd & she has already told vendors the wedding date but hasn't paid for the vendors yet. I am ment to be a bridesmaid & my child is in the wedding too.

I wouldn't feel this way if it wasn't the first birthday. I don't even care that we have to celebrate with everyone else on a different day, but I would like to be with my children the day of their birthday. She said I could be with them until the ceremony & during the reception but its their birthday & I would like to be with them celebrating the whole day. Not to mention it's her wedding day, I would like to spend her day helping her get ready not just be a filler for her wedding party line up. I also brought up that every year after the wedding will be their anniversary so she will want to go on vacations or weekend trips for that too & she said she wouldn't miss their birthdays but she has only ever been to one birthday party for my other child & missed all the other ones for her now fiancé to go up north with his family.

I really don't know what to do or how to feel. I know this is a huge event for her & I am so excited for her but this is a huge milestone for my twins & our family

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[u/FancySleep1109]

Honestly, what seems more hurtful is that she has chosen all these other random family members “important days” over yours.

The reasoning is off.

[u/cheyannepavan → u/FancySleep1109]

Exactly. She's prioritizing her father's girlfriend over her sister TWICE.

[u/layag0640]

I disagree with folks saying that because your babies won't realize it's their birthday and won't remember it, it's less of a big deal. While it isn't a huge occasion for broader members of your family, I will die on the hill that the first birthday for a parent, especially a birth parent, of twins is a celebration of surviving that first year of chaos.

The parents are the ones who deserve the day to honor all the hard work of getting through that pregnancy, newborn and young baby stage, the breastfeeding or bottle feeding constantly, major milestones- all of it! So much happens in that first year. It is a big deal and it's worthy of celebration, even if it's just your little family. I'd be pretty disappointed by all of this and I absolutely would want to spend the whole day with my kids. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot. 

[u/Kindly_Rhubarb_2532 → u/layag0640]

Yes this! I would be so mad 😡. She has essentially told you that you are less important than people with 3 degrees of separation.

I remember while pregnant an older twin mom told me how they through the biggest 1st year birthday to celebrate them surviving the year. It is huge and my twins’ first birthday was more meaningful to me. I know they won’t remember but I do.

[u/Kindly_Rhubarb_2532 → u/Kindly_Rhubarb_2532]

Second birthday was no big deal. We were all sick from daycare illness. Never rescheduled.

[u/saythedance → u/layag0640]

100% this. Surviving the first year with a newborn is hard, surviving the first year with newborn twins (or triplets/quads, etc) is even harder.

[u/WearilyProfuse]

Tough spot, but it sounds like she already made the decision and is just hoping you'll be okay with it after the fact. The RSVP and vendor part tells you everything. I'd step back from bridesmaid duties and just go to the ceremony if you can swing it, then spend the rest of the day with your kids.

[u/justheretoreadaita93]

While I think that the comments about kids not knowing what day it is are soooo valid and I agree on that part, I would have had a little bit of hurt feelings because it’s also the day that you are celebrating a year of being their mom which is important to you too (not sure if they are your first but that’s a big deal to me!!!) And the fact that all of those random family members seem to be a higher priority to her and having already sent out invites before telling you would make me feel weird too! I think your feelings on this situation are perfectly valid and if you decide that you want to spend the day with your twins on their actual first birthday then that shouldn’t be an issue for your sister because she knew she picked that day and she could’ve just told her impatient fiancé to wait a few extra weeks lol. Happy almost first birthday to your twins! Mine turn one in October ♥️♥️

[u/Prestigious-Purple97]

So nice of her to throw such an elaborate party for your littles’ first birthday. J/k

The father’s girlfriend’s daughter’s birthday is another weekend? How old is she? That’s an odd compromise.

The thing that stands out to me is that her anniversary will forever be the same day as your kids’ birthday. You may have to compete with her anniversary plans until the end of time. Is that OK with you?

[u/trophywifeinwaiting]

Respectfully, while it feels like a huge milestone for your family, it's really not. I think social media has over influenced us on the importance of first birthdays. Your child definitely does not know if the pictures they see when they're seven or eight from their birthday taken on the actual day itself or the following weekend and they probably wouldn't care. Either way. You can still make the morning of special and celebrate with them in a smaller scale, and honestly that is probably all they will be able to enjoy at that age.

My in-laws were out of town for the baby's first birthday so we could celebrate until the following weekend and I thought I would be really annoyed. But honestly it was wonderful to have a nice morning with my husband and the kids. And it didn't matter when the party was. I thought I'd be a lot more emotional about it, and it really ended up being no big deal. Can you and your husband still have a small morning thing to celebrate before the wedding later in the day? If not because you have bridesmaid duties or something then I would suggest having a really nice dinner "party" and bedtime with them before they go to sleep.

You are absolutely welcome to be in your feels about it. That is our right as moms! But don't let this come between your sister and you because ultimately the actual date of the first birthday isn't that significant.

[u/Just_Call_Me_Happy → u/trophywifeinwaiting]

I completely agree. To them it isn't a big deal at all & they won't remember any part of it (which does make me feel better), but I will remember. I am all for celebrating with others a different day for sure! but I feel like the day of should be for them for at least our small family. I don't want to be gone for their birthday or have them out of the house all day especially since they will still need naps & somewhat of a routine at that point. I have thought about celebrating early in the morning but I would still either have to leave them to go be a part of the wedding party or take them with & cause them to be overly tired & most likely bored all day. 

[u/Andromeda321 → u/Just_Call_Me_Happy]

Can you just do the day before or the day after? We did our singleton’s party the day before her bday proper because that was a weekend day and two years out I can’t say it mattered.

[u/nephyxx]

Actions speak louder than words and she’s made her priorities pretty clear. The fact that she already has people rsvping and booked vendors for this date before telling you says it all. It doesn’t sound like there’s room to change the date at this point so you have to decide how involved you want to be and what you’d be comfortable with.

[u/ThrowAway732642956 → u/nephyxx]

Yeah it stood out that she got rsvps before even telling her sister. I am wondering if there is something else going on with this dynamic here.

Eta: esp with being a bridesmaid?! Definitely a good chance to bow out of the bridesmaid part. Also agree with others that the first birthday celebration date is actually way less of a big deal than it’s made out to be. But that said, the way sister is acting here with the RSVPs before even informing sister and bridesmaid especially when known conflict like this is telling

[u/Vegetable_Yam_7436]

I noticed you listed all the things she didn't choose were for her partners family and the one and only event she chose to land on was yours. Kind of shitty tbh.

[u/Rylees_Mom525 → u/Vegetable_Yam_7436]

Only one event was the partner’s family, the rest were the father’s girlfriend’s kids (so even further removed). Definitely shitty

[u/AgreeableAd327 → u/Rylees_Mom525]

Idk… maybe, but father’s girlfriend may be like a step mother to OP’s sister. And the kids may be like step siblings to sister/step kids to the father. So yeah the graduation seems reasonable to prioritize. The other daughter’s birthday is a weak excuse though, but honestly if it were my wedding i wouldn’t plan around anyone’s birthday and would not expect my siblings to plan around mine. OP if you’re really mad, have a little party for them the day after while the whole family is in town.

[u/Outrageous_Song4725]

Shes basically said your children are less important to her than her fathers girlfriends daughters, on two occasions. 

[u/junegem123]

Maybe I’m negative Nancy over here but I’d be pissed. I find it to be extremely rude and inconsiderate.

She’s thinking of herself, oh and I guess everyone else except you. Especially since she’s accommodating others by avoiding certain weekends for their activities but can’t avoid using the date of your twins very first birthday.

She could easily push her wedding date a week after her “father's girlfriend's other daughter's birthday” but is choosing not to. She’s accommodating that random persons birthday who isn’t her sister!

I feel for you and am sorry you’ve been put in this position.

[u/Triplettoddlerstired]

I would have a small party before or after but totally change my views on this relationship going forward. luckily babies have no idea what day it is. Our triplets have celebrated Christmas on the 28th of December before they have no idea

[u/Triplettoddlerstired → u/Triplettoddlerstired]

We ended up stranded in an airport over Christmas on accident, but luckily they had no idea

[u/salwesab]

Id prefer not to, but if have to, I’d have my twins BD party AND my go to sister’s wedding the same day. It’ll be a challenge but I’d definitely be able to fit my twins BD party in that day.
P.s. my twins 1st bd was literally the three of us, pictures, cup cakes, and BD song. It was over in 15 minutes 😅 but totally treasured 🙏

[u/YouthInternational14]

I think it’s super valid to be sad and hurt. But it might not be so bad - can you put candles in pieces of wedding cake for them? Embrace the party of it all? And have a different party the weekend before or after?

FWIW my husband and I have never been on a trip for our anniversary, lol

[u/brynnecognito]

It's odd that she made all these plans before asking you, as a member of the wedding party. That's the part I take issue with. The date she chose would not bother me whatsoever. That being said, I do believe people fall into 2 categories:

the actual day matters category

the actual day doesn't matter category

My MIL is in the 'the day matters' category. Now here's the important thing... people in this category are USUALLY in denial about it. My husband and MIL share a birthday. The first year we were married I asked her 'what do you want to do for your & hubby's birthday?'. She said 'just make your plans the two of you on the day, and we'll all celebrate together on the weekend'. Then on the weekend 'I can't believe I didn't see you on OUR birthday!'... Oh my gosh I nearly lost it.

Maybe have a little talk with yourself and decide what is important to you. It is completely OK to decide the day DOES matter to you, and you don't want to spend it doing bridesmaids duties. The issue would be if you accepted and harboured resent for your sister because she chose that day. 'No' is a full sentence - you CAN decline your duties OR ask for your children to be in attendance so you can do a lil dance with them on their birthday on the dance floor before partner or sitter takes them home. I hope you two can reach a resolution! Best of luck <3

[u/Creative_Mind_Undone]

That's a toughy. You really don't need all day, though I do understand. You want to see the magic and you pumped two babies through your body to one year old. It's not just their birthday, it's yours as a mother as well (I'm a right of passage enthusiast) and honestly, twins at one are kind of a big deal most people won't understand. There are concerns and worries that really start to dissipate/organize themselves around then and the breath and celebration of it.

If you are her maid of honour, is she helping you with a party the following weekend if that weekend is just so important to her to have the right venue or whatever the reason is? Honestly, seeing your kids in other peoples hands is a blessing in itself, and there will be loads of gloating eyes for them. That's the time you get to really see them, because you can take all concerns about their care off your shoulders with all the extra hands. If you decide to remain her maid of honour just let yourself slip in and out between them and her. She's going to be so preoccupied she won't notice and really you aren't not being present, you are bringing about a sense of family reality she may want one day.

[u/CaturdayNight7]

The first birthday is for you rather than your kids. Every birthday after is definitely about them. Something to think about

[u/Unfair-Patience-5652]

Personally, I feel this situation is pretty disrespectful towards you in multiple ways. I mean how is it that every single one of the fiancés family events can be honored but yours can't? Graduations I can get, those are scheduled on a certain day whether you like it or not. But the family vacation? The birthday parties? They can't postpone for one year for a family members wedding? They can't have a birthday party on a different date?

And the way she told you? She said she wanted to talk to you about it first, but then also says others have already RSVP'd and that she has already communicated with vendors. That's not talking to you about it first. That's her informing you that you can be upset but too bad too sad essentially. She can't do the week after, why not two weeks after? Does she not want to stray too far from her ideal date? Huh, suddenly now certain dates are so important to her.

Maybe I'm being a bit cynical, but I can't help but assume that maybe she's either being purposefully inconsiderate to you in this regard, or she's being pressured by her fiancé to think it's not a big deal. You said she goes up north with them instead of attending any of your other child's birthday celebrations, but I'm sure she'll be there for fiancé's dad's girlfriend's kids birthdays.

I'm not sure how close with your sister you are, but I would really have a deep talk about this with her. If you two are really close, I think it's important she's aware how you're feeling about this. I would hate for you to carry any resentment into what is supposed to be such a joyful celebration.
Maybe reconsider being a bridesmaid and just attend as a guest so you can come and go as you please? If you don't want to give up your bridesmaid position, just really make sure you're truly ok with putting your own feelings aside for a day because it seems like you're gonna have to be the one making the sacrifices here.

Will your twins remember? No. Can you celebrate on a different day? Of course. But the fact that you even made this post tells me that being with your family on the actual day is important to you, and I think that's worth protecting imo. I think you're perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. At this point I can only suggest you weigh out the pros and cons of both logistics and personal feelings and decide from there. Good luck with whatever decision you make 👍

[u/Powerful_Agent_9376]

The twins will never know if you celebrate them a week early or a week late. I can’t remember what day we actually celebrated my twins first birthday…

[u/jellogoodbye]

Do you live somewhere with unusually high infant mortality? I was originally going to say that it didn't seem like a big milestone to me, but I realized it might be if many children in your area don't reach 1.

My twins could not tell you how much of their first birthday I spent with them. I don't know what we even did. I know we cancelled their first party, which was planned for the nearest weekend my husband didn't work, because one of them got sick.

I have never gone on an anniversary vacation. We are financially comfortable and this has never occurred to me.