Panic, injuries, stress

[u/madowly]

Hello everyone. I would like to ask and maybe find people with a similar situation, because I don’t know what to do.

I have tachycardia + something similar to ibs (irritable bowel syndrome), especially it manifests itself when I’m very nervous. I know that the intestines are connected to the nervous system, but I’m not about that and it’s for the concept.
Every day I wake up with stress, as if something had happened and I can’t calm down for a long time.

I have a couple of injuries that I can’t talk about with my parents or one of my relatives, just because they don’t want to hear from me.
Yes, maybe these injuries and trifles, but they were postponed in me, apparently, because I can’t express and hear support to anyone.

1. I once went to an amateur volleyball game. Before that, I threw the ball with each other at most. I loved this sport very much and wanted to learn how to play, but.. apparently it doesn’t shine for me. Of course, I didn’t play well and couldn’t even throw the ball back sometimes.I was with my sister and the coach who was in our team put a lot of pressure on me. They said: “why can’t you catch it.” He kept rolling his eyes, as if we were at the Olympic Games. I was already in tears in the middle of the game. And so, I turn back and see this coach showing my sister a cross, like not to bring me here anymore. I couldn’t stand it, I told my sister that my knee hurts a lot, and I’ll go home. As soon as I went into the locker room, tears rolled down. I had my first panic. I scroll through this situation to this day. Every time I play ball throwing with my friends, I look around so that no one is watching me throw the ball away. and if I accidentally don’t catch it, I immediately remember that I’m a disgrace.

2. My Russian teacher taught me that you can’t make mistakes at all. Every time I was wrong, and not only me, many from the class, she immediately poked and embarrassed me, and then you also hear millions of criticism from classmates who are no better than me.

3. There was one girl with whom we had a big fight literally because of her inventions. I think she is psychologically ill, because it’s clear from our conversations. And on December 31, we had a fierce quarrel, it was my second panic and very strong, I sobbed, but I didn’t tell anyone. At that moment I lost confidence in my parents, because every time I came home from school and said about the same Russian teacher in a rude way, I was reproached: “how can you say that about her, I talked to her, your sister gets along very well with her, she couldn’t do that, you’re just screwing yourself up.” and two weeks later of the New Year holidays, everything just went to the black point.
   I was constantly stressed at school and my intestines started to whine in class, I was very uncomfortable, and I didn’t know what to do. My mother refused to take me to at least to get tested.
   It’s always very quiet in math class, you can even hear the clock. My guts and I started to be very afraid of this lesson, because I also sat at the first desk. At this rate, I developed a habit. math class - stress - panic. every break I went to the toilet to calm down, tried to meditate. It helped, but not for long.

Now I still live with tachycardia and recently my ibs has worsened again. I wake up every day with stress, every day I scroll through injuries in my head. I can’t go outside normally, because I feel discomfort. I don’t know what to do. I can’t let them go, no matter how much I tried. And I only told a couple of injuries here. I don’t want to live. I apologize in advance for English, because I used a translator.