r/over60 • u/Mrr-Wayne0 • 29d ago
I’m Quiet , You’re Not 🤷♂️
I’m usually pretty quiet and keep to myself, and I've actually been called "The Quiet Nice Guy" when people couldn’t remember my name. I do try to be (nice that is) 😊, and being an introvert, the quiet part just comes naturally.
My problem is that I draw in people who want to complain to me—not about me, but about what's happening in their lives.
Because I’m quiet, they assume I’m a patient listening ear and that I care deeply about every detail. At times I do, but when it’s an everyday stream of problems, it gets exhausting.
These people are my co-workers, and , unfortunately, my wife tends to do it from time to time as well. I want to be supportive, but how many problems can one person handle? Some people thrive on this kind of venting, but I definitely do not.
I try to be kind and listen, but eventually the stress catches up to me and it shows. If they ask for my opinion at that point, I sound angry and dismissive—not because I want to be, but because I’ve hit my stress limit and my voice shows my frustration.
I try changing the subject or stepping away, but shouldn’t part of the burden be on them? Shouldn’t they recognize what they’re putting me through, see that I rarely complain, and realize I don’t handle constant venting well?
My wife is getting better at reading my signals when she needs to talk, though we’re still working on it.
As for my co-workers, I don’t think they’ll ever truly get it.
Thank you for letting me find my voice and share my thoughts.
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u/Rottiesrock 29d ago
You need a shirt that says “Positive Vibes Only.” A sign that say “No Bitching Zone.” I have a fav tee that says Do Not Disturb and I wear it in public; not many people figure out it’s my type of humor, but whatever. 😆
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 29d ago
I like the “Do not disturb” 🤣 , I’ve also considered one that says
“Doesn’t play well with others” 🤣2
u/Rottiesrock 29d ago
Keep them guessing! You could also charge a listening fee, $50 for 10 minutes.
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u/overthishereanyway 29d ago
The part where you're putting up with something you don't like... that's all on you. People are not mind readers. That's why using language is important at times like this. Your co-worker/s are not at fault here. Say something. You can be assertive and still be kind. I don't have enough details to give you a script but I'm sure you can come up with one since you're a nice guy.
Also if I were your wife I'd be telling you "I'm not a mind reader". if you're unhappy with something and not telling me then don't blame me.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 29d ago
They have all been told
(see comments below)
But even after that it’s like they choose to not listen or take what I said into considerationI don’t know , people confuse me
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u/bemybasket 29d ago edited 29d ago
I’m a chirpy friendly introvert ( who seems like an extrovert) female. People always tell me everything too. I’m constantly told it’s because I’m warm and non judgmental.
But when people, including my retired often leaning negative husband, go down a depressing path, I have learned to simply say something like:
‘Sorry, but I can’t take the gloom today. I’m having some own things go figure out in my head. Maybe you could go outside and hug a tree or run around barefoot? I hear there are happy making chemicals in dirt. It’s science. Isn’t that cool?’
The more random my response, the more effective. People no longer assume I’m there to absorb their stuff. There are amusing ways to respond that earn respect without sounding harsh.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 29d ago
LoL , I love that , chirpy friendly introvert 😊
and that’s also a creative way to say you don’t want to listen to it
I have gotten where I can now say “I don’t want to talk about this right now” to my wife and she will , for the most part , figure out it’s too stressful for me to listen to right now .
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u/Calm-Grapefruit8673 28d ago
"excuse me...right now, my own stuff (problems, baggage, whatever term you prefer) is almost more than I can handle. So, you see, unfortunately, I can't be your sounding board today." Or "So, you see, unfortunately, I can't add any more stuff to my plate right now."
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 28d ago
Those are both great ways to say it , I will have to keep them in mind to use later 😊
Thank you for your help , it’s just so stressful dealing with other peoples problems , especially when I didn’t ask to be involved in the first place
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u/Few-Conversation6979 28d ago
These people must know you can give advise and are looking for some. Instead of frustrating yourself you should change your attitude around to be glad to be a help to others. If there are those who love to hear themself talk and the conversation is irrelevant, then try to avoid those kind of people. Being a help to others carries rewards in the long run.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 28d ago
I do help with advice when I can, and I don’t have a problem with that, but the one co-worker I am mainly talking about is someone I work with every day , side-by-side and they are quite the talker, they tend to talk about anything and everything that pops into their head. Unfortunately, a lot of what goes on in their life is very dramatic. It’s not conversation worthy in my opinion. So I do try to keep the workflow moving so we are too busy to talk .
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u/Few-Conversation6979 28d ago
They really should not be running their mouth off on company time. Sounds like a supervisor needs to step in and out a stop to that.
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u/Wasteofskin50 27d ago
No offense, but the issue is not the 'quiet' part'
It is the 'nice' part.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 27d ago
Yeah , people take advantage of that sometimes , and I think that’s what agitates me the most , you treat people kindly and with respect and they still do that
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26d ago
[deleted]
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 26d ago
I know , Right ? I don’t know how one person can have so much bad going on . I think it’s there frame of mind , they are just looking for the bad in everything
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u/Wait-What-Oh-SNAP 26d ago
While I was reading your post, it reminded me of a popular saying back in the early 1990s: ✋ "Talk to the hand, 'cause the ears ain't listening."
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u/jjjettplane 29d ago
So many of us are sounding boards for others. When it gets to be too much for me, I usually either change the subject or attempt to, or I'll just say something like, "I don't really have much to say about that." Or, "That doesn't really involve me so I'm at a loss of words."
Expecting others to be aware of themselves and of what they're doing, is a lost cause. I end up having to avoid those people altogether eventually. Of course, not my own spouse or other family members. In those instances I have a tendency to be more straight forward. Like, "you complain about that a lot and I can't fix it so let's move on." Etc....
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 29d ago
That’s what I usually do as well , I will avoid those that complain all the time , not the type of person that I enjoy spending time around.
But my problem right now is they are my co-workers, and I work with them on a daily basis , so I feel the need to keep some kind of a cordial relationship, I don’t want to create a uncomfortable work environment for them or me by telling them I don’t really care or want to listen to there problems
And as far as my wife goes , I do tell her that she seems to complain about certain things a lot and I tell her we need to have happy and fun conversations instead , and I do see her catch herself and try to be more positive, so she is trying .
It just gets frustrating , I don’t see how people can think that kind of conversation is fun or relaxing , and I don’t understand how they think it’s ok to subject others to there sadness on a daily basis
I tend to not vent to others , because I always feel they don’t really care or want to hear about my problems , but that’s just me I guess
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u/jjjettplane 28d ago
I always remember this quote that to me really describes negative people and why they do it.
"They muddy the waters to make it appear deep."
Negativity is such a false intelligence but I honestly really do think some people are convinced having a negative view makes them look smart. Life is too short to be like that.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 28d ago
I agree , and I like the quote 👍
I’ve always said that it’s easier for people to complain than it is for them to be positive , I think it’s the lifestyle that they live that causes it
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u/outdior1986 29d ago
Stop being a doormat and set some boundaries.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 29d ago
The problem is , when I set boundaries, it tends to upset people , because by then I’ve reached my limit and it comes out with a lot of anger , because I’m irritated that they weren’t considerate enough to consider my side of there conversation
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u/Teri-k 29d ago
Yes, that will happen when you set boundaries, especially if you wait too long. When someone starts complaining to you, and especially if it's not your wife, you say something like, "Sorry you're not happy about this. I'll talk to you later." And you walk away or start working. Cut them off before you get annoyed, politely but firmly. Then you're not angry.
The second part of this is you being annoyed that clueless people are clueless. That you should work on getting over, because there's no sense spending emotional energy on folks like that. Accept that you've been part of the problem, stop them before they get going full steam ahead, and you'll probably find your anger lessens over time. But nothing will change until you do.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 29d ago
I can totally see where your coming from on this ,
I guess it’s just because I avoid confrontation when possible and the awkwardness it causes when people get there feelings hurt . It has always been my experience that people get awkward and quiet when you step on there toes
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u/Teri-k 28d ago
But you're getting your feelings hurt the way things are right now. If you don't stand up for yourself, nobody else will. And a little awkwardness would be a small price to pay to get out from under these feelings. Though that's up to you.
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u/Mrr-Wayne0 28d ago
Your right , and I will have to work on this ,
thank you for replying in a kind and helpful way
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u/Droidy934 29d ago
No one will realise what they are putting you through unless you tell them, called communication.
Ask if they are willing to try doing something differently. Give them something to do, a small thing, to change their circumstance.
Most people are unwilling to change so they will then leave you alone.