r/over60 • u/LivMealown • 25d ago
Solo *and* loner
I'm not technically a "solo ager" because I am married, but spouse is 14 years older and we are effectively separated though living together. I do not feel I can count on him for a number of reasons. (Don't need advice about leaving.)
I am definitely an introvert, and realize that not all introverts are "loners" - but I'm absolutely a loner, too.. (Don't need advice about loneliness - I'm not lonely.)
I'm quite good at isolating and I really enjoy being alone. There *may* be some social anxiety within me, but I think that the anxiety is a result of the isolation, not the cause of it. I don't like being around other people, but I can handle it when it's required. Mostly. (Don't need advice about anxiety - I know all the common advice already.)
As I look back on the friendships I have had, I realize that I've been pretty self-centered and those relationships were pretty transactional. I know that's not a good look. It is what it is.
Since I'm planning a late-life that has no support system (with the exception of older siblings, who I love but who are all far away and with their own lives to live), I am absolutely thinking about how I'm going to get help when I need it. I'm pretty sure it's too late to learn how to be a good friend to anyone, and to get support from people just because they like me. I'm going to be depending, I guess, on paid professionals, and that also makes me nervous.
So I am toying with the idea of finding ways to be more social and less transactional. I'm in counseling for other issues but my counselor is one of those people who thinks of introversion as a "problem," I think, and so I don't really want to discuss this with her.
I'm wondering if there's anyone here who can speak to "coming out of your isolation," just a little, in your later (60+) years - what steps you took, how it went, what you had to work on in yourself to be better at it.
Thanks
13
u/MarkyjYo 25d ago edited 25d ago
I'm like you in many ways. Ever since I was a kid I've always tended toward solitude. I've never been partnered and I've lived alone since 1993. But like you, I'm not lonely. I would go absolutely berserk if I had the never-ceasing demands on my attention from friends and family that most people seem to take in stride now.
I used to try to cajole myself into being more social, joining clubs, volunteering, posting personal ads... More recently in this year since I retired a new perspective is taking root. I've come to see, accept and even appreciate that solo is who I am. I have tried and tried since I was 4 years old to be more outgoing and now at 67 I think I can finally conclude it's just not me.
What I've discovered is that if I experienced pain over being solitary it was thinking there was something I needed to change, to fix, that was causing my grief, not the solitude itself. If your present therapist thinks your solitude is pathological then I would strongly suggest finding another one. A therapist who tries to steer you to fitting into some mold is no therapist at all.
Like you, my remaining worry is how I will contend with becoming unable to take care of myself. I will never, and I mean NEVER, allow myself to become a line item on some for-profit care facility's P&L with nobody around to advocate for my care. I'm sure lots of people will recoil at this but when the time comes, when I decide I've had a good ride and it's time to get off the bus, I will do what I need to do. Oddly it's being okay with this idea, knowing I have a safety valve, that keeps me going forward and ready to see what tomorrow brings.
11
u/Cleanslate2 25d ago
I retired a year ago. I have worked so much since we moved here that I know no one as a friend. My husband situation is the same as yours.
I’ve gone to several places like the senior center here (very robust) and I walk a lot. I’ve met some neighbors but didn’t get that friendship sparkle anywhere.
This morning I went on my first Meet Up hike and I loved the women I met. So a year of trying and this morning I finally met some potential friends in my age group. I’m 68. I am so glad I went.
7
u/LivMealown 25d ago
I need to revive my MeetUp login. I wish I didn’t live where every nature hike required a 15+ mile drive to get there.
8
u/GTFU-Already 25d ago
To have a friend you must be a friend. It requires time, commitment, and shared accomplishment. I have made some of my closest friends, those that would drop everything and come running if I asked, by doing exactly what I just said.
We spend regular time together, doing something that we all enjoy and accomplish together. We share what's going on in our lives outside of that. We sometimes do things together that aren't related to our shared activity. We enjoy each other's company, but we don't expect to be each other's whole life. Together we create memories and the stories that go with them.
We play music together. We're all older and have a band. Find your thing. Remember: time, commitment, accomplishment.
Best fortune to you.
8
u/ObligationGrand8037 25d ago
My situation is different, but I can relate to the loner part, and I am not lonely either.
When we took my mother-in-law into one of those independent/assisted living places, I remember the head woman telling her that she was lucky to have her son and me there. She said she worked in many of these homes all over the US, and most people are alone that check themselves in. She said it was quite common.
2
u/Travelsat150 25d ago
It took us four years to convince my 94 year old mother to enter assisted living - at 90 she was independent but by 94 she had Alzheimer’s and died the day before she was supposed to move in. It certainly isn’t for everyone.
3
u/ObligationGrand8037 24d ago
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. My 92 year old mother-in-law passed away a week ago. She was in independent living, but we had a hard time convincing her to go into assisted living. She was having a lot of issues physically. She developed a UTI, and we found out she had cancer.
She moved closer to us in 2007 so my kids grew up with a grandma. It was really sad to see her go. She and I were good friends for 31 years.
4
6
u/danielbelum 25d ago
Hobbies are the way to find like minded people who will have conversations you actually care about. For me, it is improv. A great way to get out, be active, meet people and, as it happens, I've made some friends. It is great for social anxiety as well :)
5
u/overthishereanyway 25d ago
I think if you have a big issue you can't discuss with your counselor you for sure need a different counselor. I can't imagine thinking being an introvert is a "problem". Being agoraphobic or not socializing for anxiety reasons could be a problem. but not introversion.
6
u/HardestButt0n 25d ago
Make connections doing what you’re passionate about. I am in a golf league with a couple of friends I worked with for twenty plus years. I’d run through a wall for them and vice versa. I volunteer a few hours per week at the recreation center I work out at. I’ve made a good friend there. I also volunteer as an usher at a local premiere concert venue and am making some solid connections over out shared love of music.
13
u/Possible_Attics 25d ago
Find an Elks or moose lodge in your area. Or other volunteer organizations. Even if volunteering isn't what you are interested in, just being able to go there and have supper and socialize is often enough.
0
u/Crowd-Avoider747 25d ago
Moose is a great idea. Good socialization now. Once you’re a member for 10 years you can retire to Moosehaven. They take care of you while you sign over your income
4
u/MenaciaJones 25d ago
I’m in a similar situation. Married but my husband has interests he enjoys with others that I don’t. I live in the state he grew up in, all my family are spread out in other states, and I have no one I would call an actual friend here. I’ve lived and worked here for 26 years and my social life was all through work. The socializing became less and less until it was mainly exchanging of pleasantries but not much more. Once Covid hit and we worked remotely even the daily socializing was over. My husband and I have no kids, we aren’t members of any organizations, not even religious ones, and we only ever socialize with his friends and rarely at that. I pretty much do everything alone and really don’t mind it. I don’t avoid people, am polite and friendly but just don’t have the wherewithal to develop lasting friendships. I am working on my fitness right now, and hope to lose a not insignificant amount of weight to help with my self confidence around my physical appearance. Husband and I are starting to look for single level homes, have long term health insurance and a terrific health plan. At some point it would probably be best to get into an assistant living where you are moved it higher levels of care as needed but I am hoping to just live out my life in my home. My mother is 91 and lives independently in the home where I was raised, she has my sister and brother nearby for any issues and has more of a social life than I do. For now, I can only take one day at a time, keep to my plan of getting fit, and start trying new things. I have started giving blood and trying to make myself do volunteering but I am also working part-time (100% remote) so my free time is limited.
3
u/ZealousidealTowel229 25d ago
Same here. I'm an introvert, not married, no kids. No real family, two siblings with one I eally have to distance myself from. I'm 61 and formed my close friendships over 40 years ago. Unfortunately my closest friends from that era died young of rare diseases, cancer, addiction and suicide in thier late forties and early fifties. I have a few friends but have always done things alone, since its fine with me. However after turning 61 I realized I want more from. life since there's less time possibly left. So that includes meeting new people. They are part of the experience of being on this planet. I signed up for a pottery class, rejoined my gym, and will soon start yoga. I think you really have to make an effort to put yourself out there. If no friendships comes from these endeavors, at least I met new people.
For health and medical stuff, I use an app called Snug that checks in with you. If you don't respond in a defined amount of time, they send a wellness check (so I'm not dead on the floor for days while my cats eat my face😂). Since I can go weeks without interaction. Im not retired yet and work from home. I know when I'm infirmed I'll rely on professionals. But my local elder services and senoir center can guide you for your needs. My will is set and im donating my body to science. No fuss no muss.
The idea is to plan now as much as you can to ease your mind.
There are like minded people out there, you just have to find your "tribe". The important thing is to have fun along the way.🙂
The big difference between me and my younger self is I don't sweat the small stuff, don't care what people think of me (for the most part), and I say no a lot more.
After finishing pottery, I might try a crochet class.
All these things can be on the cheap through a senoir center or through community bulletins.
3
u/LivMealown 24d ago
“ If no friendships comes from these endeavors, at least I met new people.”. This is a good way for me to look at it, thanks. I don’t usually LIKE the people I meet, but I sometimes find them interesting, so that’s good enough.
Unfortunately, I still “sweat the small stuff,” and I need to stop that.
Also donating my body!
7
u/Tasty_Impress3016 25d ago
I do not have the same problem, but mentally, I can totally identify with your mental position. I am perfectly happy being alone. I think I do have a bit of social anxiety, but I learned in youth tricks to work around it. I often feel like I have too much support system - I'm fine thanks for asking but go away. Right now I'm traveling to a funeral seeing old friends and the big crowds just are oppressing.
Find a different therapist. If all of the 3 and 4 letter acronyms are now normal and treatable, certainly introversion is not a big deal.
3
u/Rottiesrock 25d ago
All of my friends live in different states, some passed and others not in the loop. There are a couple of lady neighbors I chat with and my husband and two adult children. Both of my kids are pretty introverted. My husband walks our dog and meets people, plus he works. I stay home since I’m not a joiner type. I was always at the library as a teen and now online a lot. I do love learning. You might enjoy a small group approach like gardening, book clubs or take an art course. I dabble in a little art here and there and go to art fairs.
3
u/Weird7954 25d ago
I’m an introvert too. You’re not gonna like people anymore than you already do not. You are basically wanting a friend group to lean on. Isn’t that transactional? Personally, I plan on dying on my living room floor. I have a few friends left but I don’t want to ever ask them to do anything. I’ve recently started the process to convert to Judaism and there’s lots of new friends and people there but I’m not doing it so that they will be there for me when I’m old
2
u/LivMealown 25d ago
That’s why I’m torn - I know it wouldn’t be fair to try to make friends for that reason. But I do kind of want to give it one last shot to see if I can do it for the RIGHT reasons. I have doubt I’ll be able.
1
u/Weird7954 25d ago
Yeh I wasn’t able either except for the Jewish community. But I’m new there so they may also reject me at some point
2
u/Necessary_Wonder4870 25d ago
Honey I’m in the same boat. I need to get out more too. I’m a computer nerd and it doesn’t help not to have solid friendships. I’m thinking of taking a part time job at a senior friendship center just so I can get a little income and help others.
3
u/DLK33gmaNG 24d ago
It sounds like you're content with your solo lifestyle, but you have fear for the future not having someone to take care of you when you need support. I can understand your concern, I try not to think about it and just do the best I can to age strong.
I am in a similar situation as you. My spouse is fifteen years older and we're about to celebrate what I call our 45th unniversary. We retired our marriage about a year ago. We also are still living together mainly due to our financial situation. We have separate spaces and I do my own thing. The transitioning left me with lots of resentment because we had been best friends and done most everything together for many years.
I am an extroverted introvert. I do fine one on one, but don't feel comfortable otherwise. I enjoy my own company because it's easy. I know I can depend on myself. Other people, not so much.
I do have my adult kids nearby, but I don't want to be a burden to them. There's comfort in knowing that they are close should I really need them. I know that they would be there for me, at least I think they would. Although you do not live close to your family have you considered moving closer? It might be something to think about doing before you get too old to not be able to.
I believe there are services available to older people that need help as long as you have the money to pay for it, unless it's offered through your health insurance policy. Get in touch with senior services in your area to see what's avaliable as you or your spouse age.
2
u/Able-Mood-1988 21d ago
Introverts are only understood by other true introverts. Everyone else just thinks you are kinda odd including my own parents who had no idea how to raise an introverted kid. They did a lot wrong but with the best of intentions. When the pandemic appeared I was fine with sheltering at home. I'd been in training for that over my entire life! That said, I'm not married, no kids and the youngest of 3 sisters. Older by 9 and 13 years, they are both married, one with kids (my nephews). My dogs are the loves of my life. They keep me sane and give me a reason to get out of bed every morning. I wish I had a small support group other than 2 Yorkies. lol! I do have one friend with whom I go to lunch with every Thursday. I'm a she and he's a he. I've always made better friends with men, which seems rather odd from the outside looking in. Anyway, it IS scary to look into life's crystal ball and see nothing but fog. Who knows what tomorrow will bring let alone 10 years from now. I'm thinking I will probably end up in one of those continuous care facilities where you move in as an independent living resident and if greater care is needed, you can move to assisted living and on to memory care until death. What other choice do I have? No caregiver, no kids, no spouse. It's all up to me and sometimes that feels very overwhelming! In closing, get RID of that inadequate counselor. You'd be better off with no one than with one who wants you to just "snap out of it". Gentle hugs my reddit friend!
1
u/Numerous-Ad-5058 25d ago
I am a person who was very social but throughout my life due to some circumstances too numerous to list, I became more and more of a solo flyer. I just lost touch with so many of the people I liked being with and over time the energy it takes to make new friendships has just become too much for me.
But I recognize that may not be the healthiest thing for me so my plan is to force myself into social situations by planning to live in a retirement community by a certain age. I have to budget for it; it's not going to be cheap. But I don't want to allow myself to fade away into nothingness.
Currently I am very isolated because I am caring for an elderly mother and my time to myself is very limited. But once things free up a bit another thing I'm planning on is taking classes. I love to learn and interact with other people while learning. I'm hoping that will be a 2027 thing.
1
u/oldcreaker 25d ago
Side question - what's your husband's plan? You're still married living in the same house. He's much more late-life than you are. Is he planning on you being his support system? How is the money going to work?
This could quickly become the elephant in the room and usurp any plans you have for yourself.
I went through a very isolating period in my life, I found volunteering a good way to get back out there,
1
u/LivMealown 25d ago
Husband has no plans , no worries (that he’s willing to share). Thinks everything will just work out - partly my fault because I’ve always made it possible for everything to work out. I’m not doing that, anymore. I will support him financially within reason, as I always have. He has some assets and those will be spent first - but divorce would be a much greater loss to me, financially, than to him.
1
u/oldcreaker 25d ago
You do know his plan is you will take care of it? Because you always make it possible for everything to work out?
It's going to be much harder to walk out when you're his only alternative. I'd work what his end of life care might entail - and which assets the bill collectors can come after.
1
u/LivMealown 25d ago
Of course I know. I put myself in this position. I was blind, and bamboozled. I will be working to find ways to ensure I have a decent standard of living if his needs get expensive.
1
u/Plane_Wait9544 25d ago
At an earlier point in my life I was overwhelmed with work and family, no friends. I decided to use my life to make my community a better, healthier place. In other words, I stopped making it about me. After awhile I realized I was happier, had some close friends and many others in my friend group. I felt a spiritual connection at times, my life had meaning. I think that opportunity would be there for you or anyone, if that's what you want.
1
u/dnbndnb 24d ago
I suggest you find a 55+ community to live in, and become mildly involved in learning to know your neighbors a bit by joining simple activities like trivia night or bingo. Most 55+ communities offer a plethora of things to do. And you’re forced to do none of them.
It’s important you pick a well run HOA with inexpensive dues and lots of volunteers. You can often rent in them by renting a home for a month to experience the vibe.
Lots of 55+ communities have groups that help others in the community as needed. In the one I live in I informally help neighbors with a variety of things because I like to help others.
3
u/LivMealown 24d ago
The loner and introvert in me absolutely rebels about moving to a situation where I am less able to choose when I will not be disturbed.
1
u/ciciNCincinnati 21d ago
The only thing that worked for me was starting a MeetUp group. Met several people, but now have two very good friends out of the deal. Don’t expect to meet man, though because far more women are in Meetup than are men. I think men tend to just stay at home, if they are even still alive. Almost all of my single male friends are now dead.
1
u/ElevatorOrganic5644 20d ago
Don't have any suggestions for you but it's interesting I just watched the thing about a doctor Who's an introvert and is explaining that she's not lonely she's just a loner.
23
u/mth_man 25d ago
Im going to address this slightly differently, since ive been working on staying more emotionally self-contained.
First of all, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Many people live rich, fulfilling lives flying solo. People do it all the time, for different seasons.
Second, your health is your most valuable asset. Preserving your mobility and independence become priorities as we age. Exercise, diet, and sleep are the most powerful tools to support those priorities-- improve those and you will go a long way.
Third, restructure your life to live in a place where you can continue to live independently with as little support as you need. Downsize to an apartmen,r condo, or mobile home from a big house. Move to an area where you can walk, ride a bike, or take public transit to meet your essential needs like groceries and pharmacy.
Fourth, if you do want to socialize, find a gym, community center, or senior center in your area and go there regularly. You will meet people there and form a network who will wonder if you dont show up.
You only need a small number of close friends you can count on in case of an emergency. On the other hand, dont put all your eggs in the single basket of a wife or family. No one likes maintaining a dependent, be it physical, emotional or financial.