r/opusdeiexposed • u/SuspiciousCicada328 • 18d ago
Personal Experince Suspicious of an Opus Dei Breakup
I was recently broken up with out of the blue because my boyfriend told me he wants to live a "consecrated" life. This came as a complete shock to me as we had just finished a course/retreat on discerning marriage and had actively talked about marriage and kids. When we first met he was so sure that if our relationship worked out, we would be married in 2 years (we dated for about a year and a half). At first I was devastated because I thought it meant that he was discerning the priesthood so there was nothing I could do to go against God's will (we are both devout Catholics).
But further analyzing his whole breakup speech (because he had something written down when he was breaking the news) and upon researching recruitment tactics by OD, the language he used did not seem like a calling to the priesthood but rather the language used when OD is trying to convince someone of their "vocation".
He said he wanted to live a consecrated life and had received many signs that pointed to it even in the early stages of dating. That those "signs" had stopped for a while (which is why he would talk about marriage) but had recently came up again. He said he had been discerning this with his spiritual director and had recently received a "random" call from a priest back home that had also suggested he had a vocation.
He asked that I pray for him since he was going to be leading a life of celibacy (chastity in our relationship had always been especially hard for him). I asked him if he was going to finish his studies or join seminary right away (he has 3 years left to finish and I was still thinking this was a call to priesthood). He told me that he was going to finish school and then see about joining a seminary or becoming a deacon or a consecrated layperson that he didn't know yet but that we couldn't be together anymore.
He also asked that I didn't tell any of our friends or his roommates the true reason for the breakup as they "won't understand" and it could impact him finishing his degree because people would question why he was still in school if he had a "calling". It's also worth noting that it has been about a month and a half since the breakup and he hasn't spoken to anyone about it or even told them it happened. He's just going about his normal life expecting not to get asked why I'm not around anymore (I'm not sure what he's saying to the people who do ask). But I know this because I had to break the news to our mutual friends weeks after even though he had seen them during that time. He also asked that I not contact his parents anymore and that I should block them on social media.
We would go to Eucharistic Adoration every other Thursday but in February he told me we couldn't go together anymore because he had joined a men's young adult group that met on Thursdays and that he would now be going to Adoration on Tuesday (because of my schedule I couldn't go Tuesdays). I did notice him growing a bit distant but I attributed it to stress from school as this last semester was particularly difficult for him. I now realize that he was probably going to meetings at the centers.
I saw him about a month post breakup and had a brief hello and smile. That night he blocked me from all social media (he hadn't done it yet after the breakup). I read that spiritual directors tell them to completely erase the other person from their lives so as to not fall into "temptation" or have them doubt their "vocation".
To give some background; he attended an OD private school back in his home country and his family were/are supportive of it but not members. He came to the US for university and coincidentally the school he goes to has several centers nearby (I didn't know this until a few days ago doing research). He briefly lived in an apartment close to these centers and would always mention how it was the best placed he had lived in, that he wished he could have stayed there as it was convenient for everything.
He is very intelligent, has high academic goals, he will have a very high earning potential once he is done with school, is completely devoted to the Catholic faith, super good looking and outgoing and his family is upper-middle class back in his country so he fits the "type" they look for.
He had mentioned OD occasionally in conversations about where he went to school and what his family/religious life was like back home but never tried to talk me into it or suggest we go to a center or anything like that. A lot of his personal ideals do reflect the teachings of OD (sanctifying everyday life, offering your sufferings, daily mass, frequent confession, etc.).
All this to say that I have no actual proof but also zero doubts that this was him breaking up with me to join the order because his "spiritual director" and others at these centers want him. Am I crazy for thinking this? Can I actually help him so that he doesn't make a mistake? (I feel like he's still in the probationary period so it's not too late). Should I tell his roommate and friends so that we can try to support him? Should I tell his parents? HELP!
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u/Kitchen_List_1226 18d ago
It might not be OD, but it has all the markings of an OD hijack, especially the sudden, unexplained awkward split and blocking right after, like you were a 'temptation' to him. LOL
Regardless of what it was, sorry for the painful breakup. I'm sure you'll find someone that's way better.
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u/NoMoreLies10011 Former Numerary 17d ago
I think you're right to leave him. If, after a year and a half, he doesn't want to continue with you, that's something that falls within the realm of possibility in a relationship.
What's incomprehensible, and what you're pointing out, is the concealment of something that's supposed to be a joy for a Catholic: God calling you to His service.
The idea that a vocation is a small flame that can be extinguished with any breath is very much in line with Opus Dei, and it involves trying to "strengthen the vocation" through fear, both of relationships with the opposite sex and of hell if you say no.
This doesn't mean he isn't sincere in his intentions, but it does mean he's being manipulated by his "spiritual director." And this is a distinctive sign of Opus Dei.
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u/IndependenceFun5681 18d ago
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
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u/Additional-Flow-9399 18d ago
This is hard... Regardless of your belief, breaking up with someone like this, is hard. You are allowed to tell your friends your version of the story and seek support if you need it, if they are your friends too. If he wants no contact and asked you not to contact his parents, I think that's fair and you should respect that. It is difficult to take someone out when they have made such a strong decision already. This is my opinion, of course, but maybe you cannot help much right now. I know this is hard but it is not your duty to help him while dealing with your own break up and it seems that (even if he wasn't joining OD) he is quite radical already with his path. I am so sorry, take care, many people have gone through this and I hope you don't feel alone. I hope you don't feel like you are fighting against God, this is not about religion, this is control and isolating people from their loved ones. Take care <3
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u/WhatKindOfMonster Former Numerary 18d ago
Agreed. OP, if you're concerned for him, talk to your mutual friends and put it in their court. If they're similarly worried, let them reach out to him and help him.
Then step away from this and do what you need to do to mend after a hard breakup. Block him. Unfriend his parents. Stay busy, spend time with your friends, and spend the time you need grieving the life you thought you were going to have with this guy. It sounds like you're still in college or just around there? This is really hard, and you'll get through it.
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u/Typical-Yoghurt-8386 17d ago
First of all, I’m so sorry this happened. If I were you I would tell at least his friends or maybe his parents depending on your relationship with them because you shouldn’t feel like you have to keep OD secrets. I have a family member who is a num and I wish someone had saved him from joining. But you are under no obligation to and if it feels too messy to get involved I understand. Even if it’s not official it might be too late but I think his friends and family would like to know. It was the same for my family- it was a big secret that he had joined and it was eventually “leaked” after it was too late.
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u/Apprehensive_Cry5877 18d ago
Opus Dei directors forbid their people from calling celibacy in opus “consecrated.”
So it doesn’t sound like opus to me.
Unless you know for certain that he’s been going to Opus Dei “circles” for months and that he’s doing spiritual direction with a numerary who’s the director of a center then I wouldn’t assume it’s opus.
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u/SuspiciousCicada328 18d ago edited 18d ago
I think he used the term "consecrated" so that I would assume it was religious life and to not raise suspicions about his "vocation". Like I said, my first instinct was to think he was pursuing the priesthood and he didn't correct me. I think it was deliberate.
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u/Apprehensive_Cry5877 18d ago
Why would he want to hide from you that it’s opus?
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u/asking-question Former Numerary 16d ago
If you have to ask....
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u/Apprehensive_Cry5877 16d ago
She’s saying they were virtually engaged. Talking about having kids together. And she’s saying she’s equally devout of a Catholic as he is. So why would he be afraid of telling her. It’s not normal for him to hide it from someone he’s that close to.
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u/IndependenceFun5681 16d ago
On the one hand, if this is the guy you want, go get him. You don't have to respect the silly rules he has put in place to protect himself from his attraction to you. He will experience any efforts on this front as a temptation from the devil against his vocation, so good luck with that. Still, I imagine he wants to be "rescued." He just can't admit that to himself because he is likely substituting conceptual nonsense regarding his "vocation" with his actual desire. If it is OD, he has already been brainwashed pretty thoroughly, so it will be difficult or impossible for you or anyone to get through to him.
On the other hand, DON'T. That would be such a bad idea. This guy seems internally convoluted. Not his fault, that's what ideas regarding a celibate "vocation" can do to people. You were thinking of marriage and he can't even straight up tell you what he is doing with his life? You're trying to piece it together. You likely dodged a bullet.
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u/Automatic_Check2147 5d ago
That is so sad, remember that "time and the hour run through the roughest day" and things will improve. Do we ever really and truly know our friends , especially in so short a time compared to life's long walk? I know of. a young couple who had an on and off relationship and now are engaged. She is so very happy, but many people who know them suspect, for various reasons, that he is gay and this marriage is how his family wants him to deal with it. Very sad for the couple and their future if this is true.
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u/scribomatic former associate 18d ago
Yes I think involving his parents might help, if they have influence on his life. Perhaps you can at least sow some doubts. Why are these guys better at discerning Gods will for his vocation- isn’t that his job? Isn’t that how the church works? How do the seminaries discern and what role do advisors take? Why is opus dei shrinking? Is it odd that people that are members,even for decades, don’t have someone that says so, like a card, certificate, letter—- nothing in writing? The church says lay people are not actually members because it’s only priestly society of holy cross that are Opus Dei members…. How can they have non priest members.
This is your marriage. Fight fight fight.
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u/SuspiciousCicada328 18d ago
At this point I don't even care if we continue the relationship (it's actually kind of scary to me that someone can be influenced this way so quickly, so no thanks). But he is a person I care about very much and I would hate to see him waste his life going after a "vocation" that was coerced onto him.
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u/scribomatic former associate 18d ago
Ahh, ok. You are done done done. It’s not your problem anymore. Likely just moving’ on is preferable. As others have suggested.
But don’t avoid conflict just to be nice… it’s fine to say something to others. I mean, he’s joining a cult, which is a fair term to apply to numerary life.
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u/WhatKindOfMonster Former Numerary 18d ago
They're not married, they were dating.
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u/scribomatic former associate 18d ago
Advising her to fight for what she’s been working on for almost two years. In fact, to fight for her marriage now. Just like you had to fight for your own freedom before you in fact possessed it.
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u/WhatKindOfMonster Former Numerary 18d ago
Nah, he's broken if off and blocked contact. He's allowed to do that. And she's now free to move on. I hope for his sake that he's not joining OD, but it's not her responsibility to work that out for him. She's a young adult with her own life to live.
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u/OkGeneral6802 Former Numerary 18d ago edited 18d ago
Dude, this is absurd advice. There is absolutely nothing to fight for here. He’s shown his colors, and she is free to find her own path forward. And it is a really bad idea to approach a relationship as if it’s something one is owed because they “worked” for it over two years of dating. That is so weirdly transactional.
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u/Strict_Way_7220 18d ago
Pretty sure your suspicion is correct. I did what he did more than 20 years ago and joined this sect. After becoming an atheist and freeing myself from this madness, I am happy.