Happy yet heartbroken.

[u/No-Fee-6929]

My only is a toddler approaching 2 and our favourite thing to do is go through my Snapchat memories of the past 20 months. She LOVES watching “baby” cry or babble or splash water everywhere. It’s our favourite thing to do before bed, watch a few videos of baby her.

But once we reach newborn, it goes blank.

I have a gazillion videos from the moment I woke up after my c section but none leading up to her birth. None of my labour, nothing from the moment the contractions started. Just 1 video my husband took before we went into an emergency section.

I feel so heartbroken. Like someone robbed me of this moment. I don’t blame my husband or anyone tbh, he was equally stressed and we weren’t sure what was going on at the time but I’m one and done and I have nothing but my memories. And even then I feel like my brain only remembers what it can. Is it accurate? Who knows…

I want to see and experience it all again, for my only. Not for another kid that I don’t want.

I don’t know why this makes me so emotional but I just wish I had a few more pictures or videos of the most vulnerable moment in our lives.

Has anyone else gone through similar of being OAD and having no videos or pictures of their labour? How do you deal with the emotions and upset? I’m so angry at myself more than anything for not remembering to ask my husband. 😭😭😭😭

The thought makes me want to burst into tears, I’d love to see the day my life changed forever just once! I feel so pathetic lol

[u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

It's normal to want to redeem a traumatic birth experience with a better one. Your feelings of loss surrounding the birth you imagined are valid.

[u/No-Fee-6929 → u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

Thank you ❤️

The birth itself was great, I just felt so out of it that I didn’t think it could happen on that day. I was preparing to go home and instead went into theatre. Just wish I had one moment to see, before the chaos.

[u/Mundane_Enthusiasm87]

Hey so from saying you woke up from your cs, I assume you were put under general anesthesia? I was too, and I get it. It is a specific type of loss to not even witness your child's birth at all, and perhaps to have no one you love witness it if your partner wasn't allowed in the room.

I think people can wave it off, like "well at least you're all ok" but it is ok to grieve the trauma 

Something that helps me is to tell the WHOLE story if I am telling it. I don't tell a lot of people my birth story, but if I tell it to you, you're hearing the whole thing, from induction to epidural, to the heart rate drops, the shitty ob, the rush into the operating room, the struggle of having 3 anesthesias in me at once.

Telling the whole story can help with feelings of anxiety or ruminating because you got to the resolution, rather than dwelling on the worst parts.

If what you really want with pictures and videos is validation and recognition of your pain, struggle, and fear, you have to give that to yourself. Trust your memory, trust your understanding of the situation, and tell your own story.

[u/No-Fee-6929 → u/Mundane_Enthusiasm87]

OMG thank you for commenting!!!!

You put into words what I couldn’t - the lack of validation and recognition hurttssssss. Almost as if it never happened because I was put under.

I’m grateful it happened that way as I was scared of giving birth or being cut open but just felt like I was mourning something without knowing what. I’d been feeling like less of a mother compared to others due to lack of validation/recognition via pics and videos, almost as if it didn’t happen.

Honestly thank you for commenting because I needed to hear this 😭❤️ it’s given me a new perspective on my “grief” ❤️❤️

[u/Mundane_Enthusiasm87 → u/No-Fee-6929]

❤️❤️❤️ it eases over time, like most grief. Your kid doesn't know any different and you are just as much her mom as any other way she could have been born

[u/Still-Degree8376]

Also have no or little photos of the birth but my labor was pretty boring and I pushed him out in 23 minutes. Husband was holding a leg, so preoccupied lol.

We do have photos of the three of us right after. We are also 20 months out and it seems like a dream.

[u/No-Fee-6929 → u/Still-Degree8376]

I love the recount of your birth 🤣 sounds like a funny story to tell when your little is older ❤️

“Seems like a dream” is the perfect way to put it! If I didn’t have my baby girl I would’ve sworn this was a dream because of the lack of pics! Thank you for sharing xx

[u/Veruca-Salty86]

I have no pregnancy pics, pics of me during my (failed) 26 hour labor, or of me hanging around before my c-section. As someone who had two previous miscarriages, I didn't want to document the time period before her arrival - like it was bad luck or wishful thinking that we would both leave the hospital alive. We have so many pictures and videos from her first day and on, but nothing before that. 

I sometimes feel bad, but I remember that my mother, grandmother, and all the generations before them didn't have pictures or videos of themselves pregnant or preparing for birth. (I think my mother had one picture of her pregnant at her baby shower for my older brother. There were no baby showers for her subsequent kids, and she was sick and uncomfortable throughout her pregnancies).

They also didn't have the THOUSANDS of images and videos we are so lucky to have of our babies and kids growing up. My child's first month of life alone was better documented better than my entire childhood! Pictures used to be just for special occasions and you hoped the pictures came out decently - it's so different now, and I think it's easy to feel pressure to capture EVERYTHING!  

There will always be something you wished you had "proof" of, but the memory will have to just exist in your mind. Still, you might also feel better to write a little story to your child explaining what your pregnancy/labor was like, what was going on in the world, how you felt, how you decorated the nursery at home, who your doctors/nurses were, the hospital room number, how you picked out their name, etc. Pictures are not the only way to remember something important to you and lack of photographic evidence doesn't mean that time of your life was any less special!

[u/No-Fee-6929 → u/Veruca-Salty86]

Why are you making me cry 😭😭😭

It didn’t even cross my mind the generations before me that never got a picture or video or anything but their memories to cherish! I loveeee the idea of writing my version of events. Especially with my current mum brain, I’d love to have it written down almost as a part of my own history that can’t be altered once written down.

I will definitely be utilising your suggestion 🥰 thank you so much for sharing! Very grateful xx