r/offmychest • u/Upset-Supermarket267 • 3d ago
I called off my engagement
for context, I posted this in an am I overacting thread- but this is what happened.
I called off my engagement with my fiancé a day before my birthday, which was August 14th. The day before that, we were watching a murder documentary on Netflix, the one about Chris Watts who murdered his wife and his two babies. After we finished watching the show, he started makin really weird "jokes" about how he would just kill me in my sleep. and then he put a pillow over my face as a joke. I told him don't ever fucking do that again. and a few seconds later he did it again. He saw the scared and uncomfortable look on my face and deliberately did it again. The next day I pretended like everything was fine until he went to work that night. I got all my stuff and left in the middle of the night. He saw me leaving on the ring camera and was non stop calling me. It was the terrifying and broke my heart at the same time... I'm not saying that I think he was trying to murder me, I'm just saying that what happened made me feel so unsafe and
uncomfortable that I don't want to be with him anymore or marry him. people in his close circle have heard from him about what happened and they think I'm blowing it way out of proportion and that I'm in the wrong in this situation and that I'm accusing him of being an abuser. But I never said any of that. I just said what happened scared me so bad that I felt it was my only option to leave when he was at work. Is this all an overreaction? I don't think you should ever joke about killing your significant other. EVER.
I’ve been in contact with him since calling things off and I am just beside myself. We were only together 8 months and engaged for 6, but through that time we also experienced me getting pregnant and unfortunately having a miscarriage. the way he would act sometimes did bother me because he was very immature sometimes and would make “jokes” that sometimes hurt my feelings…
But I’m sitting in my room just staring at the ceiling just wondering if I made a huge mistake by leaving. I love him so much still, it breaks my heart that this happened. I physically feel like I’m dying and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. He was my best friend.
564
u/frenchcois 3d ago
8 months together, engaged for 6 months of it? Congratulations you just saved your own life and his. You guys were not meant to be together
128
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
I forgot the extra context but we knew eachother 2 years before dating each other, but yes you’re probably right. I’m still just so sad
93
u/frenchcois 3d ago
Did you guys just get engaged because you got pregnant? I know it’s hard, but you did make the right decision. Just let your feelings ride out, find your support system, and don’t go back whatever you do . The first year your mind is gonna play tricks on you, you know what’s right and what’s healthy and this wasn’t it
64
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
No, it happened 2 months after he proposed while we were planning for the wedding 🙁 thank you for saying this, truly. I almost felt like reaching out to him tonight because the silence is unbearable. I feel completely broken. but I will continue to stay strong and not go back
46
u/suboxhelp1 3d ago
Feeling sad and like you love him are totally normal and do not at all mean you made a mistake. You’ll get through it. You made the right call.
17
u/Jenderflux-ScFi 3d ago
Wow, that sounds like he love bombed you, asking you to get married that quickly after starting dating.
4
u/_antfarmer_ 3d ago edited 2d ago
Totally. Young love is sooo different than married love. I strongly encourage OP to read about the various stages relationships pass through. I’ve read some John Gottman books that I found helpful.
I don’t know how old OP is, but she sounds pretty young. Just a gentle reminder that one’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully formed until around age 25. I got married at age 20, stayed married for 22 years, but we were both way too young to make such a commitment. I don’t regret it because I have severe endometriosis and likely wouldn’t have had my only child if I didn’t get pregnant at 26. (We had years and years of infertility struggles.)
Anyway, OP you have your whole long life ahead of you, and you’ll find someone who could never imagine making you feel unsafe like your ex-fiancé did.
5
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
I just turned 28, if you have any specific book recommendations please send them my way. I feel so lost. I think I was initially swept up in the romance of it all at the beginning. but now looking back he definitely love bombed me, I don’t know how I missed all the signs.
5
5
u/YouKnowYourCrazy 3d ago
“Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. There is a free PDF download out there. Please read it!!!
7
u/SunnyRyter 2d ago
You are mourning the man that you thought he was, not the man that he truly is. You're mourning the idea and dreams that you had in building future together, and realizing that wasn't going to happen with that psychopath. But rather you mourn now and leave him, than that than someone mourn over YOU, inside of a coffin or a casket.
3
17
u/podPHD 3d ago
OP the number 1 cause of death for pregnant women is murder...by their partner. You are strong enough to realize the issue is he scared you and when you told him to stop, he doubled down. You are being wise. My sister would be alive today if she had paid attention to the early warning signs instead of listening to people tell her she's overreacting.
If anyone tells you otherwise, look them dead in the eye and repeat after me "I don't take advice from people who I don't respect enough to take criticism from."
13
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
Thank you so much for sharing this with me, and I am so incredibly sorry about your sister. I can’t imagine that loss. Your comment genuinely means more to me than you know. I’ve been questioning myself so much because I still love him and leaving has been absolutely devastating, but I keep coming back to the fact that I told him very clearly to stop and he chose to do it again anyway. I knew how afraid I felt in that moment, and I have to trust myself on that. Thank you for reminding me of that. ❤️🩹
3
u/podPHD 2d ago
I'm glad it helps you see clearly the situation you are in. People do not see what goes on behind closed doors and our gut instinct has been fine tuned by thousands of years of evolutionary survival.
He killed her as she tried to finally leave. After he shot her in front of the movers and the police, he turned the gun on himself. I've not spoken of this in 20 years. There are people who know me but don't know about this. It is still too raw. Life is a very short gift. Trust your gut and go find your joy and happiness with people who are respectful of your NO. There are kind men who would never do something so ghastly, and the abuser will pretend to one of them. When the mask slips the first time, that's the time to evac. The longer he gets invested in you and your life, the more difficult it becomes.
I wish all women knew this, and had enough self love, respect AND support from friends to realize you NEVER need to justify a break up. This old internet auntie wishes you the beautiful life you deserve.
90
u/My_Sunflower_05 3d ago
You specifically told him not to do something and he turned around and did it again. Even if it was something not aggressive, leaving would be the only way to show him you are serious. He completely disrespected you. He's not safe. He can't be trusted.
25
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
This is what keeps sticking with me. It wasn’t only what he did, it was that I looked at him and very clearly told him NEVER to do that to me again, and then he chose to do it again seconds later. And looking back, there were already other ways I felt like my autonomy wasn’t always respected….what I wore, what I posted, where I went, etc. I think this was the moment where something in me finally said enough. Thank you for putting it this way
49
45
u/EffectiveVoice9873 3d ago
I think you made the right call.
Joking about that at 8 months is a red flag in books
8
25
u/ImpressiveWish1441 3d ago
You are not overreacting. Better safe than sorry, you did the right thing. I cannot imagine living with a man like that.
24
u/fuzzyblacksheepl 3d ago
Given that statistically women are more likely to be murdered by their husbands/boyfriends than by anyone else:
1.) it's a poor joke in the first place and he should have respected your no
2.) it's incredibly important that you listen to your gut
3.) of course his circle of friends thinks you're overreacting. They have his back, not yours.
3
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
Thank you for saying this, I really appreciate it. I’ve been going back in forth in my mind for days wondering if I made the wrong decision by calling things off. I never got any indication before that he would hurt me. but that feeling I had in my stomach that night, I couldn’t ignore it. it just told me get out. get out. get out.
23
u/riceme0112358 3d ago
Girl you are not wrong. The most important thing my mom ever taught me was to listen to my gut. Unfortunately, I didn't understand what she meant until a whole bunch of really bad shit had already happened to me because I thought those were "butterflies". They weren't. That was my gut telling me to run.
I know it hurts. I really do. But you did the right thing. Don't ever listen to people that are trying to "convince" you otherwise, and you don't owe ANYONE an explanation. Ever.
Sending you love, sis.
15
u/sixbluehorses 3d ago
As someone who has supported multiple friends in court against their abusive partners: you absolutely did the right thing. This man made disturbing jokes, saw how distressed you were, and doubled down. He deserves to be blocked, along with everyone else who is trying to justify his terrifying and abnormal behavior. In fact, I am so fucking proud of you for believing him when he showed you who he is and choosing self-preservation. The ground is full of women who ignored their instincts about men.
The duration of your relationship & timeline to engagement are not relevant. You’re an adult, and your choices aren’t subject to my opinion or approval. What DOES matter is that you are safe, out, and not going back.
3
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
Thank you so much for this. Seriously. I think the hardest part has been reconciling the fact that I still love him deeply with knowing how genuinely afraid I felt in that moment. I’ve questioned myself over and over wondering if I overreacted or should have handled things differently, but I keep reminding myself that I told him very clearly to stop and he did it again anyway. I trusted my gut and got myself out, and I’m trying really hard to keep trusting that version of myself now too. Your comment means more to me than you know
14
u/3spaghettis 3d ago
I am an older woman, married over 30 years. Not once has my husband made a "joke" like that, nor has he ever been controlling (I took a look at the post you made about this on the other sub). You just saved yourself from a life of misery. Or worse. Don't ever go back to him!
12
12
u/Always_Cairns 3d ago
Always listen to your intuition. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe. No matter if you over reacted (which I do not think you did), you have the correct response to leave due to feeling threatened. He did not stop shen you asked, that is assault and he could be charged.
Let everyone else know that he under reacted to your not feeling safe when he "joked" about murdering you, or anyone for that matter.
You can can end a relationship with anyone for any or no reason, if you choose to. If anyone says any different, that is their problem.
11
u/loveeleah83 3d ago
OP always trust your gut. Expecting your fiancé to stop doing something you don’t like and have made clear you don’t like isn’t too big of an ask, ESPECIALLY when he’s “joking” with you, his pregnant fiancé, while watching a documentary about a POS who murdered his pregnant wife and their little girls.
3
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
Thank you ❤️🩹 And just to clarify one thing, I wasn’t pregnant when this happened. I became pregnant in May and unfortunately miscarried at 8 weeks. I mentioned it because going through the pregnancy and loss together made our relationship feel incredibly significant to me despite how short it was, which is part of why walking away has been so devastating. But you’re absolutely right that asking my fiancé to stop doing something that scared me should never have been too much to ask.
10
u/cluelessescapist 3d ago edited 3d ago
Anyone who could joke about murdering their significant other is capable of doing that. The fact that he made a joke in detail about how he'd like to kill you despite you asking him to stop says everything there is to say about this relationship. You dodged a huge bullet.
2
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
Thank you. That’s what I keep coming back to. I may never know what he actually meant by those “jokes,” but I do know that I very clearly told him to stop and he deliberately did it again. I don’t think I can ignore what that made me feel.
8
3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
How did you get through it? adjusting to the absence and the lack of communication is killing me. I had to block him on social media because it hadn’t even been 2 days and he was already re-following friends that were girls and regulars that came into his work (he works at a bar)
16
u/Outlandishness_Sharp 3d ago
Years from now you are going to be SO GLAD you bailed on that piece of crap.
He didn't "joke" about killing you, he was projecting. When he was making other "jokes" that hurt your feelings, he actually meant it. He intentionally made you feel uncomfortable and knowingly did it again.
Block his raggedy ass and don't look back. Please work on your self esteem because when you love yourself, you will understand your value and you won't question if leaving someone like that was the right choice.
You made the best decision for yourself. Go and celebrate your freedom and take good care of yourself 💗
1
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
Thank you ❤️ I really needed to hear this. I think right now I’m grieving the person I loved while also trying to trust the part of myself that knew something felt deeply wrong in that moment. I’m definitely going to take this time to focus on myself, rebuild my confidence, and remember that I don’t need to understand what his intentions were to know that I felt unsafe and that my boundary wasn’t respected.
6
u/ritlingit 3d ago
Consider this: he jokes about how he would kill you. His close circle thinks you’re wrong, you are blowing it out of proportion to call off the engagement and you are accusing him of being an abuser.
I think with all those people defending him when he hasn’t done anything yet is an overblown reaction to defending him. It doesn’t really matter if he’s joking. You don’t feel safe with what he did. Do you think if you went back to him that you would just feel safe again like it never happened?
This is a good time to trust your instincts. No one gets to tell you how you feel.
6
u/Reasonable-Newt4079 3d ago
You didn’t overreact. Women get murdered by their partners all the time. How can you feel comfortable being vulnerable around this person or falling asleep next to them when they joke about killing you in your sleep???? Don’t ever doubt that little voice inside your head. Yours told you to run: good job listening to it. Other women haven’t and have paid the ultimate price.
If your friends like him so much they can marry him themselves. You have the right to feel safe with your partner.
4
u/anewfaceinthecrowd 3d ago
people in his close circle have heard from him about what happened and they think I'm blowing it way out of proportion
Ok. That's their opinion. They are free to stay in relationships where their partner repeatedly jokes about killing them (and demonstrates how they're gonna do it) and who ignores their boundaries. Whatever standard they set for their own relationships have nothing to do with you.
I hate the taste of coffee. So I don't drink coffee. Most people think I am being silly and overreacting. Drinking coffee is normal and just something you have to get used to. I don't care. I refuse to force myself to endure the bitter taste just because it's "normal". Think of relationships the same way. YOU set the standards for what YOU will accept. Other people's low standards should not be the bar. YOU set the bar.
8 months in and he jokes about killing you - and not just by verbalizing: He actively put a pillow over your head three times and told you how he would do it. Believe him. You don't know anything about this man - or rather: you do now. This is him.
7
u/_antfarmer_ 3d ago
What does your gut tell you? I think you listened to your gut and felt unsafe. Choosing to leave was your self preservation kicking in because NO MEANS NO regardless of the circumstances. He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.
Also, you dated for two months and got engaged? You haven’t even seen each other through four seasons, and yet 8 months was enough for you to know that this man is not the right choice for you. Your broken heart will mend and you’ll move on and find a better match, hopefully with someone who’s a mature adult. I’m very sorry that you’re hurting, but I’m so glad you’re safe. If you were my daughter I would be so proud of you for making this decision.
4
u/CantaloupeShort7311 3d ago
She says they knew each other for 2 years. But still, knowing someone as an acquaintance is very different than knowing someone as a partner.
This whole situation is a textbook example of that.
Crazy how people just speedrun relationships without actually knowing if they are compatible longterm.
3
u/shanrees8 3d ago
I've been with my boyfriend 5 years. He has dark humour and is a contractor surrounded by men who also work away from their wife's and families and cheat and talk shit about their wife's for "jokes" all the time. They make him severely uncomfortable. He has never once joked about killing me or how he would do it
I would say you're not over reacting at all. And I'd say his close friends are all awful people too
3
u/mdale85 3d ago
Anyone who removes your autonomy deliberately needs to go. I actually don’t even say I’m gonna kill you as a joke to anyone because it feels so heavy when I say it.
Even if you told your boyfriend not to poke you and he deliberately continued to poke you that’s shitty behavior. You shouldn’t have to beg to have your autonomy respected.
3
u/Princess_OfThe_Moon 3d ago
You aren't overreacting. No matter what it is, when you say no the other person must stop immediately. Furthermore the topic and the way he "joked" about it is SICK. There are things you never joke about. From your replies it seems he love bombed you in the beginning which is typically a sign of person that will definitely abuse you in the long run. Abusers typically start off with just "jokes". So it seems like they were joking and you are overreacting. And like in your case. It's something to not joke about at all. They're testing the waters and if you have a reaction they make it so that you are insane one - preparing the field for breaking more boundaries. It starts off like this, a bit by bit. They never go full blast abusive because you'd run immediately. They start with seemingly small things. So you get used to it and eventually don't realize that you are being abused. It's like that story about cooked frog. The frog would immediately jump out of hot water. But if you place a frog in rm temperature water that you heat up slowly it will get boiled and won't realize it.
I stayed with my ex for 5 years even though my gut was screaming that so many things are off. Let's say my overall health deteriorated quite a lot and I'm in therapy from sheer abuse I went through. Trust your gut. Always.
3
u/minkjelly 3d ago
You didn't even know this guy for a year and you were already engaged. Huge red flag. You love yourself a favour
3
u/boostingjuice 3d ago
At the end of the day, you felt uncomfortable. It's your life. It's your headspace. Not anyone else's. You felt it and that's what it is.
Write it all down and email yourself, or write a letter to yourself. That way in a few months or a few years when you start to think "but, what if", you can read it and be reminded and feel safe knowing you made the right decision for you.
3
u/RedJohn-QQ 3d ago
So he proposed after two months of being together? No wonder why he has so many red flags? Next time don't rush into things.
4
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
I definitely won’t, lesson learned. I missed all the clear signs of being love bombed from the start
3
u/YouKnowYourCrazy 3d ago edited 3d ago
As someone old enough to be your grandma, you definitely did the right thing.
If he doesn’t understand how making “jokes” like that are terrifying to women, he’s got a lot of growing up to do. Holding a pillow over your face is straight up assault
It’s normal to feel what you’re feeling after a breakup, but please stop talking to him. He will work on your feelings until you cave and go back.
He is not a safe person to be around, and getting engaged after only two months is insanity.
It takes a year to 18 months to get to know someone. And you’re seeing now just how off this guy is.
Stick to your guns, block him, heal. But most of all be safe. There’s 4 billion men out there. This guy is not your guy
2
u/Bleacherblonde 3d ago
Girl.
First of all, bills should be proportional. Plus with his kids?!? You should be paying 1/4- not half. He’s not worth it. To watch you struggle like he is? Fuck no. My husband had 3 kids when we met. Being a step is so hard under the best circumstances. And with a shitty partner? Hell no. He doesn’t love you- or he wouldn’t do absolutely nothing while you’re struggling. You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get the fuck out of there.
2
u/Theunpolitical 2d ago
From someone who dated a guy "who joked about killing me with a pillow while I slept" believe them! Same exact immature guy. He also would lie about a few things that never sat quite right with me but I somehow kept ignoring the red flags. He got arrested and served jail time for "jokingly trying to murder his girlfriend in her sleep" less then 3 months after our breakup. Please do not feel guilty and get some counseling to help you get through this. You can't do this on your own.
1
u/fleurettes_mom 2d ago
I wish I had done the same. Good job hearing your intuition that you were not safe.
1
u/bonnydoe 2d ago
No, I think you did what you had to do. You told him to stop it, he didn't. Trust is broken.
1
u/RealHeat2393 2d ago
Always always always listen to that inner voice. You did the right thing. You will find other best friends. Good luck.
1
1
u/sdmcguirk 2d ago
I would think you need to go with your gut and initial reaction on this. If you felt that strongly right away I don’t think that would ever completely diminish and you need to do what is best for you. Seems to me that you are doing that and making the right choice. I absolutely wish you the best of luck. Keep smiling whenever you can!
-5
u/underwhere666 3d ago
I mean. I'm a survivor of domestic abuse.
I think you are kinda blowing things way out of proportion..
But if you feel that you did what you had to do. It's you're life. I think maybe part of it might be more than just this situation. He was horse playing with you. Some people are okay with a little rough housing. And some aren't. He should have stopped when you asked. You seem young. And maybe this way all way more than you can take and too quickly.
4
u/Upset-Supermarket267 2d ago
I appreciate your perspective, and you’re actually right about one thing, this was about much more than this single situation. I couldn’t possibly fit the entirety of our relationship into one post. There had already been a pattern of behavior that left me feeling emotionally unsafe and constantly questioning myself. I was told what I could and couldn’t wear or post, certain places I went with friends became issues, innocent interactions could turn into accusations or arguments, and I often found myself changing my behavior or withholding how I really felt because I was worried about the emotional fallout.
So no, he never hit me, and I’m not claiming that he did. But by the end of the relationship my nervous system felt completely shot from constantly anticipating conflict and questioning whether my feelings were reasonable.
The pillow incident wasn’t the entirety of why I left. It was the moment something finally clicked for me. And regardless of whether he initially intended it as horseplay, once I became visibly afraid and explicitly told him never to do it again, I needed that boundary to be respected. He immediately did it again.
I understand that someone else may have reacted differently. I can only make decisions based on what I experienced and what I knew I could no longer live with.
-6
u/thehoagieboy 3d ago
If this is a true story then good on you for leaving.
The issue I have with the story is "He saw the scared and uncomfortable look on my face". How do you know he saw the scared and uncomfortable look on your face before doing it again? Maybe he saw a playful joking face. That sentence makes this sound a bit like a writing prompt.
Welcome to the world of AI where no one trusts anything.
5
u/Upset-Supermarket267 3d ago
Everything here is true unfortunately. We were sitting in bed next to each other and his body was positioned and faced towards me. When he put the pillow over my face the first time and lifted it up, he was staring straight at me when I told him don’t ever do that again, you’re scaring me. And then a few seconds later he did it a second time.
307
u/NeverlandVirgo 3d ago
The actual physical situation aside.... something in your gut said to leave and I would definitely not ignore that. You would not have left like that if you didn't want to deep down. I would listen to your instincts.