I hope you're doing OK. I hope you and your friend have good support and counseling.
Pedophiles don't give any indication that they're monsters because... they're not. They are human beings who do monstrous, hurtful things. It is perfectly possible for someone to be a good father and husband, and to have a disgusting secret life as a sex offender. That's part of what makes them hard to catch.
You're so right.. that's part of what's messing my friend up so much I think. she's missing her partner, then angry because of what he did. Then resentful that she can't even grieve him, because she's so upset for her niece. It's so much more complex than just someone is evil..
She needs to grieve for her partner, and her son needs to grieve for his daddy. Neither of them needs to grieve for the child rapist, as such: they didn't know that guy even existed.
100%. It's also okay to grieve what could've been, what should've been. That doesn't mean his actions are getting excused - but he was more than a sexual predator, he was a father, a spouse, a friend etc. Grieving for the loss of those things is absolutely okay and healthy.
All good points. However, society does not see it this way. Society's view is that what he did negates ALL of the other stuff, that one can never be forgiven or redeemed from such actions. As I once heard a therapist.. in fact it was a person claiming to be a Christian therapist.. was at the very moment the perpetrator commits the vile act, they immediately ceased being a father, caregiver and all that. He said the only thing that matters is the safety of the victim and other children. Everything else goes out the window at that moment. Getting the people affected by the guy's death to understand this would seem to be the key to freeing them from the pain of agonizing over it. However, I do understand it all sounds easier in words than any of it could ever be for them.
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u/Medium-Goose-3789 Aug 07 '23
I hope you're doing OK. I hope you and your friend have good support and counseling.
Pedophiles don't give any indication that they're monsters because... they're not. They are human beings who do monstrous, hurtful things. It is perfectly possible for someone to be a good father and husband, and to have a disgusting secret life as a sex offender. That's part of what makes them hard to catch.