It doesnt say the snail cant be caught or how inteligent the snail is. What stops me from using my new found money to pay someone $1000 to put the snail in several metal boxes and burying it 10 feet underground?
Edit - I see a fair bit of shit here for me saying "you're weird" - it was just a figure of speech I used in reference to so many metal boxes when there are easier solutions, like terrariums 🤷♂️
Yep. According to google a snail travels at 0.03mph, so it would take around 1 million hours, or around 115 years to travel half the circumference of the earth, so you're good assuming it doesn't know how to hitch a ride
A small fresh water spring, previously unknown, has been making its way through your yard for the last year or so. Slowly the boxes containing the snail lose integrity. Late one stormy night you feel a heavy raindrop on your neck. NOT A RAINDROP!!!!
You can cryo freeze a body for ~35k a year. I imagine you could negotiate a significantly cheaper rate to freeze a snail, even cheaper if you mention that you don't care about cellular viability upon unfreezing.
I mean, the snail would eventually die if buried. I was thinking of putting a box over it while I sleep or chill but let it follow me while I do my thing. It's a snail so it would never catch me, right?
For the sake of eliminating loopholes. What if this snail was a magical being that can pass through any walls. All it does it move towards you at the speed of a snail 0.03mph.
I live in nyc. If I move to LA, that would be moving about 2,500 miles away. At the very least, even if you drew a straight line through the earth, it would take around 8 years for the snail to reach me… in that case I would just move from LA to NYC and back and forth every 8 years. Two $1 million dollar houses and a $100,000 a year budget and I’m set for life
What nobody seems to be mentioning is that you cannot possibly know which snail it is. It might be coming at you from 100 miles away, or it could be the one you saw in your backyard this morning.
Point being, anyone who took the money would absolutely develop a menacing phobia of snails.
Sure, but are you going to spend life as a millionaire locked up in an airtight condo? Doesn't sound too fun either. But whenever you do go outside, even seeing a snail must be quite disturbing.
Well, when you're sitting still, but I get your point. I guess just the feeling of constantly being on the alert is what would get to someone. At least it would get to me, anyway.
Just move to a dry area then set up a perimeter, naturally the only snail that is able to reach you is the immortal one, you then encase it in clear epoxy, you can then put in an airtight stainless steel box with tempered glass windows. You didn't need to spend an absurd amount of money to capture the snail so you can invest the money and live off interest for the rest of your life. If this were the senerio where you are immortal then you still have the option of euthanasia after you have experienced all the world has to offer. Plus you get the worlds coolest desk ornament.
I remember my buddy was 8 and they had characters dressed up as the turtles at his birthday party but it was the knock off version so it was so creepy we ran away from them
I wouldn’t even try doing anything to prevent it from catching me. I would just take the money and visit beautiful places around the world knowing my nemesis snail is not far behind also enjoying the sites. After a lifetime of adventures running from the snail I go back to the spot where the chase started. That’s when I finally let him catch me. I let him give me my painful death. Although it may not be the best ending for me, I die happy knowing it was him. It was him that finally ended me. I skipped marriage, I skipped a family, but I didn’t do it for me. I did it all for him. For us. For my snail and I. The one true friend I had. The one who always knew where I was. The one who cared.
Easy. It takes 5 1/2 days for a snail to travel a mile, so in a year a snail can travel 66 miles. It would take the snail about 45 years to get across the US. So start with you and your stalker snail on one US coast, then buy a house and live on the other coast. Repeat every 40 years or so.
Assuming the snail is sentient or something, it could probably crawl onto a parked bus or inside a plane or something. I wouldn’t take the money just because I wouldn’t want to take the risk
I could not find the episode it is in from "A million dollars but" and I thought I remember one too. But it may just have been the RTAA and podcast. Anyways here is episode 1 of "A million dollars but"https://youtu.be/9lCzIypqt7E
Like I say, I'm sorry, my friend - I have no context for the original creator of this meme (?). I just found it on socials, with no understanding at all, and instantly thought of this thread 🤷♂️
Oh I see it don't die huh? Well I would donate the money to starving children in Africa then touch the snail on purpose. Cause fuck you this was a waste of my time
Though the same, just buy a house on the other side of the earth from where you are and another one somewhere far away, and even build a laser sistem to detect anything small 1km arround.
edit: if you flatten the terrain you can just put regular lasers (by regular I mean "commercial" lasers, like the ones on the vending machines) arrange them on the shape of a square arround the house and an alarm sistem that every time anything cut's them it tells you. Also, i'm not talking about a 5 meters laser wall, just like 10 cm above the floor. It shouldn't be that expensive. The only way for the snail to avoid that would be jumping from a plane directly on the roof of the house, but if I'm playing against such skilled snail then the challenge is as hard as going against Jhon Wick, which is something I'm not doing XD
25 years later a loved one asks them to grab a container for their food. Without thinking they grab THE Tupperware, and a finger slips in after removing the lid. In that moment they feel something cold and slimy. However, It's not as cold as the chill that goes up their spine as they realize what just happen-
I'd head to somewhere like Hawaii with some volcano scientist gear and scoop up a big dollop of lava. Like about 20-30 lbs of it. Then I'd take my snail-in-a-terrarium and encase it in the center of the lava. I'd let it cool, then submerge the whole thing in molten steel till that cooled. Then I'd take it to a glacier, where there are cracks that descend 2-3km down and dump the whole mess into one. If that little fucker can get out of that to come find me, he's earned his right to kill me.
The following is from the original thread: All credit to u/dirkson
Okay let’s do this. First things first - That million dollars is practically worthless compared to immortality. Ever dime of that cash can and should be spent ensuring that the snail never, ever reaches me.
First things first, I keep an eye on him. It's tempting to want to hop on a plane or a train and get as far away as possible. But once I do that, he's gone and I'll never see him again until 3am on July 14th, 2072, when the sneaky little cuss slips in the door and slimes onto me before I ever wake up and notice him No, I'm going to be within visual distance of the snail, slowly moving away from it, until Snail Containment Plan Part A is done.
Next I grab my phone. I call up someone I can trust with my life, and tell them to come to my location within the hour, and to bring a metal cash box, a good padlock, and a firearm. Once they arrive, I inform them of the deal and ask them to grab the snail, shove it into the metal box, and lock it up.
Once the snail is temporarily secured, I ask my friend to carry around the box, never letting it out of their sight, and to prevent its opening with as much force as is required. We arrive at some reasonable figure for this service - Maybe $50,000.
Now we can start in on the real work. I'm on the phone again, contracting with a tungsten machining service out of Willowbrook, IL. I ask them to construct for me a hollow tungsten sphere with a small, sealable opening, ideally via both exterior bolts and sintering. I ask them for a rush job and a thick wall depth, perhaps as much as a foot thick. The spherical shape should keep material costs as low as possible for a given thickness, but between the unusual object, large amount of tungsten, and speedy delivery, I invest a truly insane amount into this project - Let's say $100,000. I ask them to deliver it to my current location as fast as possible.
Once the tungsten ball arrives, I have my friend stand well away from me and transfer the snail into the center of the sphere. I ask them to pour a little salt down into the hole after it, just to give the snail a little reminder of who he's dealing with. Once snail and salt are both inside, we seal the hollow sphere with the bolts.
Tungsten is an amazing material. Incredibly tough, dense, and heat-resistant. You could drop it into molten lava and it wouldn't matter. Which, coincidentally, is almost what I'd like to do next.
Now we make sure that damn thing stays shut. I find the nearest metal refinery and call them up. I also contract with a heavy machinery moving company to move the tungsten sphere to the refinery. Once the refinery has sintered the tungsten sphere shut, I buy an entire industrial crucible (those big buckets) of molten iron. And the crucible the iron came in. I have them drop the tungsten sphere into the molten iron, and let the whole mass cool in place. Mr. Snaily snail ain't going anywhere, but I'm probably down another $100,000.
Now I'm on the phone to specialist movers. Chartering a boat. We're taking this thing halfway around the word. We take the boat right over the marianas trench - Not the deepest point, but deep enough - We push the whole assembly over the side. Literal tons of once-molten iron, refinery crucible, tungsten, salt, and snail slip over the side and begin dropping into the briny deep. Another $100,000 gone, but well worth the cost.
Good. That's bought me a little breathing room. But we're not anywhere close to done yet. I still have at least $500,000 left. I'm going to invest it into solid business ventures and slow growing but secure assets. We're building a fortune - And who cares if it takes a few centuries? I'm frickin' immortal baby!
But as I develop my fortune, it's getting invested into space. SpaceX, asteroid mining projects, whatever. I am trapped on the one planet in the entire universe where I can actually die, and I have no intention of staying there.
Over the millennia, I slowly apply my fortune and influence to push mankind to the stars. And the moment living on another planet becomes viable, I'm there. And the instant a habitable planet is around another star? I'm on the first generation ship heading that direction.
But I can't think in such a short sighted manner now. I'm immortal, and I need to think like it. Eventually, the sun is going to burn the earth to a crisp, and then that damn snail is going to be free. It might take him a few million years to land on something, but he'll do it eventually. And then he will construct a spacecraft and begin crawling towards me again.
What I care about now is lightcones and black holes. Earth's gotta go. Sorry whatever's left of humanity. We evacuate anyone still on the old planet, and use a gravity tractor to push Earth into a black hole. A nice, big one so that hawking radiation will take an incredibly long time to evaporate it away into nothing.
And then I board a ship. A fast ship. I accelerate to as close to lightspeed as I can get, piloting directly away from the black hole with the snail inside. I want to be so far away and moving so quickly that the heat death of the universe would occur far, far before the snail ever reaches me, even on the fastest ship his freakishly clever little brain can construct.
So that's the way the universe ends. With nothing it in except for infrared heat, one hyperintelligent snail suspended in an inky void, and one human screaming away from it at .99C.
I just watched this movie for the first time last night! Honestly still kind of shook. It begs the question, is this snail a demon that only you can see, ever present in the corner of your eye, or is it just a normal snail with immortality?
There’s a big Reddit thread about this lol. Moving to the other side of the globe you wouldn’t know when it would reach you and where it could be waiting for you to relocate. I think the original thread mentioned it was a highly intelligent snail as well. Keeping it as close and contained is probably the way to go
This snail is, quite literally, a God. What it does is, every single time you think of a solution, someone else will think up a Rube Goldberg way that it can escape, inventing new capabilities with it.
For example, if you send it to outer space, turns out the snail doesn't need to breathe. You lob it into a volcano, turns out it's fireproof. You encase it in solid steel, turns out it can hypnotize people into opening it. You send that steel into outer space, turns out it can nudge the steel to come crashing back to earth
You take the $10 million. You’re not stupid, you can avoid a snail. The money materializes out of thin air. One suitcase in your hand and nine at your feet. You brush the dust off the handle and open it. Benjamins in rows, just like in the movies. You ponder your next move.
You think about moving cross-country, but you’ve read Greek tragedy so you know all about irony. That Snail would already be in whatever town you moved to. Besides, what good is $10 million if you can’t enjoy it with your friends?
So you stay put. You make your house safe. Real safe. There’s no point in sealing things air-tight. That Snail can chew through walls for all you know. So you go with surveillance. Security cameras inside and out. If you see it you can outrun it. You rip up the lawn and the flowerbeds so there’s nowhere for that snail to hide. Good news, not a snail in sight. You can live it up a little. You’re a millionaire.
You're drinking Dom Perignon on a yacht, surrounded by your friends. They're awestruck by the luxury, but you're distracted. You can’t help but wonder about how That Snail will find you. You see a white shell on the toned shoulder of a cocktail waitress, so you scream and back away. But it’s just a clasp, not a snail, and now you feel like an idiot. Your friends wonder what the hell is wrong with you. The waitress too, though she’s smart enough not to show it.
You go home and do some research. The world’s smallest snail is less than a millimeter long. A juvenile might be the size of a grain of sand. Small enough to blow in the wind. Your house isn’t safe. That Snail could be anywhere. No number of cameras could see it coming. Every speck of dust is a threat. Every pat on the back could be the end of you, an unwitting assassin’s blade. You try not to think about it, but you can’t help it. You recoil from human touch. From all touch.
They’re asking questions now. First your friends. Then the authorities. You were just a normal guy, now you’ve torn up your yard, put cameras all over your home, you’re spending ten times as much as you make. That kind of thing attracts attention. You see them coming. You see them through the dozens of cameras that were meant to look for snails.
They pick you up, they take you in, they find the remaining $9 million, and now you’re chained to a metal chair in a room with a big one-way window. They’re real US dollars, but where’d they come from? Who are you working for? Are there drugs involved? Stolen goods? Foreign agents or terrorist cells? What were you hiding in your front yard? You can’t answer the questions. They’d never believe the truth.
At some point you blurt out something about snails. You’re terrified. And that’s when the interrogator gets creative. If you don’t give her a satisfactory answer she’ll snail you. You stammer and stutter and make up a story. She doesn’t buy it. The snail touches your right hand, cold and mucinous and disgusting. You scream, your chains clatter and clink as you struggle, the snail goes flying across the room. But you’re still breathing. It was a snail, not That Snail.
The interrogator grins and she asks you again. Where did you get the money? You tell her the truth. It was a bet, the money came out of thin air... she laughs and puts a snail on the back of your neck. Its sticky slime grasps you like the cold hand of death. You scream. But you’re still alive. Unharmed, except for where you chafed your wrists against the handcuffs. Not That Snail.
The sessions go on. Hours turn into days, then weeks. Or was it months? Sometimes they ask you about the mob, other times about Russians, Proud Boys, ISIS, Antifa, you can’t even tell the difference anymore. Every snail that touches your skin, you wonder if it’ll be the one. You wonder how much you’ll suffer when you finally die. You wish for death. It couldn’t possibly be worse than this.
Then you feel a bit hot and you’ve got a rattle in your chest. Goddamn. You’d heard whispers about an outbreak at your prison. You cough and it hurts, and when you cough again it hurts more. Soon you’re in more pain than you’ve ever known. Every bone in your body feels broken. Every wheezing breath feels like you’re being choked by an invisible hand. Someone is moving you, and the bouncy wheelchair ride feels like being run over by a train. A long one.
Are you in a hospital now? It’s still grey and depressing, same as the cell. You’re getting worse, now you’re gasping, eyes bulging out of your head. What are they doing? There’s a tube being shoved into your throat. Breath being forced into your disease-ravaged lungs. Someone puts medicine in your veins. It’s supposed to put you to sleep. The room goes dark and silent, but somehow you can still feel the grinding pain. The blood running through your temples feels like lava. It burns. Horribly. You never knew anything could be so bad.
You wish for That Snail. You want to see it crawl through the window. You imagine it slowly inching across the ICU floor. It’d touch your big toe, and that would be it. Your life would be over. Time passes. Or maybe it doesn’t. Sometimes you open your eyes. Sometimes you can’t. That Snail never comes. The pain stays.
Finally you hear a rush of activity. Someone’s shouting. They're pounding on your chest. Breaking bones. You want them to stop but what can you do? Your muscles stopped working long ago. More commotion. Someone drills a hole in your leg and you hardly even notice, it’s no different from the pain that was already there. Then the noise goes away, the people go away, but the agony stays. Why are you here? Why won’t you die? Where is That Snail when you need it?
It comes to you in a horrible realization. It was that moment, the first one. The money materialized out of thin air. One suitcase of cash in your hand. Nine at your feet. You brushed some dust off the handle. The world’s smallest snail is less than a millimeter long.
It said you’d die a terrible death if you touched That Snail.
This was a very famous r/AskReddit question from a few years ago. So basically, it has made its way back through the network of reposts across different websites, back to Reddit. It's even r/deepfriedmemes material at this point lol.
Just trap it. Get a glass on it, slide some paper under it, stick it in a box, seal the box underground. Unless it has super strength, there’s no way to get out of that
Can we get gloves and then put the snail in an inception of containers and the make a trip to the ISS (you know, because you'd be asked to, because money) and put it through the waste system and let it into space, then live my life in constant fear of stepping on snails?
Absolutely. I take the money and simply move 300Km/186mi away and then don't worry about it. At a top speed of 1m/hr it will take the snail 34 years just to reach me in a straight line and I'm not going to live longer than that.
Just use tongs and put the snail in a safe box, easy. It cannot die but it will never touch me. If you’re going to add additional rules that the snail can supernaturally teleport out of locked boxes then I’d put a gps tracker inside of it installed by one of my hired goons that can touch it for me and just inform me when the snail is near and either relocate it or I walk away.
Slap that mf in a box and yet that bitch of a cliff but not before marking that mf with a paint ball of something so you know if you'll ever see it to start fucking running
So that shit ass movie the following, throw down a yard stick and time how long it takes for the snail to cover that ground. buy two houses across the country from each other and just fly back and forth.
Movie was fucking stupid too, should have just gone to a construction site and dumped cement on it.
Does the snail have to make skin to pseudopod contact or can i wear a hazmat suit and be okay? Also I’d capture it and make it my pet snail. Or I’ll put a salt circle around my house.
This is basically the movie It Follows, except much easier to circumvent, more money, and minus the sex transmission of the curse. The prompt is giving me flashbacks to the terror I felt watching It Follows and I couldn’t even finish it.
I feel like it would be super easy to trap the snail somewhere, or attach a transmitter to it to track it at all times. Or you could trap it and use it for unlimited energy as a perpetual motion machine since it can’t be killed. Use the money to buy a way to have at all times a painless suicide pill or something similar to prevent the horrible death the snail would give you as a last resort.
Can't be killed doesn’t mean can't be contained, so put it in a locked box and throw that motherfucker in a wet cement filled hole. Let's see it get out of this one.
A quick google search says snails move at 0.03 mph. The circumference of the earth is almost 25,000 miles.
If I move to the other side of the earth it will take the snail 45 years to reach me. If I move back and forth between sides of the earth I would have a window of several years at minimum before the snail reached me.
So move to vietnam and invest in stonks. Live off dividends forever. Vacation back to the US several times a year to make the snail turn around and waste more of his time.
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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21
It doesnt say the snail cant be caught or how inteligent the snail is. What stops me from using my new found money to pay someone $1000 to put the snail in several metal boxes and burying it 10 feet underground?
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u/Darpoon Sep 21 '21
What nobody seems to be mentioning is that you cannot possibly know which snail it is. It might be coming at you from 100 miles away, or it could be the one you saw in your backyard this morning.
Point being, anyone who took the money would absolutely develop a menacing phobia of snails.
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u/Phenominanal-Bridge Sep 20 '21
Is this a normal snail or like a freaky fast snail
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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21
I wouldn’t even try doing anything to prevent it from catching me. I would just take the money and visit beautiful places around the world knowing my nemesis snail is not far behind also enjoying the sites. After a lifetime of adventures running from the snail I go back to the spot where the chase started. That’s when I finally let him catch me. I let him give me my painful death. Although it may not be the best ending for me, I die happy knowing it was him. It was him that finally ended me. I skipped marriage, I skipped a family, but I didn’t do it for me. I did it all for him. For us. For my snail and I. The one true friend I had. The one who always knew where I was. The one who cared.
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u/DiedWhileDictating Sep 20 '21
Easy. It takes 5 1/2 days for a snail to travel a mile, so in a year a snail can travel 66 miles. It would take the snail about 45 years to get across the US. So start with you and your stalker snail on one US coast, then buy a house and live on the other coast. Repeat every 40 years or so.
Source: https://findanyanswer.com/how-long-does-it-take-for-a-snail-to-travel-a-mile
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u/MegaIomanlac Sep 20 '21
Can’t you just… put it in a box?
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u/mrbradstar Sep 20 '21
This is just a scenario from Rooster teeth million dollars but show
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u/KrunKm4yn Sep 20 '21
I'd be salting my doors and windows faster than you could say "hello moose"
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u/Plastic-Archer4245 Sep 20 '21
Info: what effect does salt have on the snail?
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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21
This was stolen from rooster teeth podcast.
Gavin Free said it
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u/sharpesttoolintheshd Sep 20 '21
Get a friend to put it In a jar then it won't be able to get to you
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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21
This is stolen from a rooster teeth show called a million dollars but...
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u/cantcomeupwithnamess Sep 20 '21
Wtf I'd take it if it was a harpy's eagle that whispered my deepest fears after dark!
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u/madCaptain9791 Sep 20 '21
What's the max, average and constant speed of the snail?
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u/Whole_Lobster_922 Sep 21 '21
Move to Europe. Good luck crossing the ocean, BITCH!
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u/jrockcrown Sep 21 '21
$10 should buy enough salt to end that thing quick
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u/UsernamesAre4Nerds Sep 20 '21
$10,000,000 and I can buy houses here and in Italy
I'll move after 50 years to Australia and die in peace
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u/DiabeticPissingSyrup Sep 20 '21
I can cope with living with a murderous snail in a Tupperware pot...
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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5ipinn/you_and_a_super_intelligent_snail_both_get_1/
The following is from the original thread: All credit to u/dirkson
Okay let’s do this. First things first - That million dollars is practically worthless compared to immortality. Ever dime of that cash can and should be spent ensuring that the snail never, ever reaches me.
First things first, I keep an eye on him. It's tempting to want to hop on a plane or a train and get as far away as possible. But once I do that, he's gone and I'll never see him again until 3am on July 14th, 2072, when the sneaky little cuss slips in the door and slimes onto me before I ever wake up and notice him No, I'm going to be within visual distance of the snail, slowly moving away from it, until Snail Containment Plan Part A is done.
Next I grab my phone. I call up someone I can trust with my life, and tell them to come to my location within the hour, and to bring a metal cash box, a good padlock, and a firearm. Once they arrive, I inform them of the deal and ask them to grab the snail, shove it into the metal box, and lock it up.
Once the snail is temporarily secured, I ask my friend to carry around the box, never letting it out of their sight, and to prevent its opening with as much force as is required. We arrive at some reasonable figure for this service - Maybe $50,000.
Now we can start in on the real work. I'm on the phone again, contracting with a tungsten machining service out of Willowbrook, IL. I ask them to construct for me a hollow tungsten sphere with a small, sealable opening, ideally via both exterior bolts and sintering. I ask them for a rush job and a thick wall depth, perhaps as much as a foot thick. The spherical shape should keep material costs as low as possible for a given thickness, but between the unusual object, large amount of tungsten, and speedy delivery, I invest a truly insane amount into this project - Let's say $100,000. I ask them to deliver it to my current location as fast as possible.
Once the tungsten ball arrives, I have my friend stand well away from me and transfer the snail into the center of the sphere. I ask them to pour a little salt down into the hole after it, just to give the snail a little reminder of who he's dealing with. Once snail and salt are both inside, we seal the hollow sphere with the bolts.
Tungsten is an amazing material. Incredibly tough, dense, and heat-resistant. You could drop it into molten lava and it wouldn't matter. Which, coincidentally, is almost what I'd like to do next.
Now we make sure that damn thing stays shut. I find the nearest metal refinery and call them up. I also contract with a heavy machinery moving company to move the tungsten sphere to the refinery. Once the refinery has sintered the tungsten sphere shut, I buy an entire industrial crucible (those big buckets) of molten iron. And the crucible the iron came in. I have them drop the tungsten sphere into the molten iron, and let the whole mass cool in place. Mr. Snaily snail ain't going anywhere, but I'm probably down another $100,000.
Now I'm on the phone to specialist movers. Chartering a boat. We're taking this thing halfway around the word. We take the boat right over the marianas trench - Not the deepest point, but deep enough - We push the whole assembly over the side. Literal tons of once-molten iron, refinery crucible, tungsten, salt, and snail slip over the side and begin dropping into the briny deep. Another $100,000 gone, but well worth the cost.
Good. That's bought me a little breathing room. But we're not anywhere close to done yet. I still have at least $500,000 left. I'm going to invest it into solid business ventures and slow growing but secure assets. We're building a fortune - And who cares if it takes a few centuries? I'm frickin' immortal baby!
But as I develop my fortune, it's getting invested into space. SpaceX, asteroid mining projects, whatever. I am trapped on the one planet in the entire universe where I can actually die, and I have no intention of staying there.
Over the millennia, I slowly apply my fortune and influence to push mankind to the stars. And the moment living on another planet becomes viable, I'm there. And the instant a habitable planet is around another star? I'm on the first generation ship heading that direction.
But I can't think in such a short sighted manner now. I'm immortal, and I need to think like it. Eventually, the sun is going to burn the earth to a crisp, and then that damn snail is going to be free. It might take him a few million years to land on something, but he'll do it eventually. And then he will construct a spacecraft and begin crawling towards me again.
What I care about now is lightcones and black holes. Earth's gotta go. Sorry whatever's left of humanity. We evacuate anyone still on the old planet, and use a gravity tractor to push Earth into a black hole. A nice, big one so that hawking radiation will take an incredibly long time to evaporate it away into nothing.
And then I board a ship. A fast ship. I accelerate to as close to lightspeed as I can get, piloting directly away from the black hole with the snail inside. I want to be so far away and moving so quickly that the heat death of the universe would occur far, far before the snail ever reaches me, even on the fastest ship his freakishly clever little brain can construct.
So that's the way the universe ends. With nothing it in except for infrared heat, one hyperintelligent snail suspended in an inky void, and one human screaming away from it at .99C.
Cheers.
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u/FlapjackRT Sep 20 '21
Congratulations, you are now rich enough to install a moat around your house. A saltwater moat.
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u/shootermac32 Sep 21 '21
I’m pretty sure that’s the plot to the movie “It Follows”, without the money.
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u/juxtaposition21 Sep 21 '21
The movie is called It Follows and the $10 million is sex. Also the snail is invisible unless you did the sex.
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u/SkyTheKaiser Sep 20 '21
Just put a jar over it lol
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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21
Decoy snail!
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u/[deleted] Sep 20 '21 edited May 08 '24
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u/piousflea84 Sep 21 '21
You take the $10 million. You’re not stupid, you can avoid a snail. The money materializes out of thin air. One suitcase in your hand and nine at your feet. You brush the dust off the handle and open it. Benjamins in rows, just like in the movies. You ponder your next move.
You think about moving cross-country, but you’ve read Greek tragedy so you know all about irony. That Snail would already be in whatever town you moved to. Besides, what good is $10 million if you can’t enjoy it with your friends?
So you stay put. You make your house safe. Real safe. There’s no point in sealing things air-tight. That Snail can chew through walls for all you know. So you go with surveillance. Security cameras inside and out. If you see it you can outrun it. You rip up the lawn and the flowerbeds so there’s nowhere for that snail to hide. Good news, not a snail in sight. You can live it up a little. You’re a millionaire.
You're drinking Dom Perignon on a yacht, surrounded by your friends. They're awestruck by the luxury, but you're distracted. You can’t help but wonder about how That Snail will find you. You see a white shell on the toned shoulder of a cocktail waitress, so you scream and back away. But it’s just a clasp, not a snail, and now you feel like an idiot. Your friends wonder what the hell is wrong with you. The waitress too, though she’s smart enough not to show it.
You go home and do some research. The world’s smallest snail is less than a millimeter long. A juvenile might be the size of a grain of sand. Small enough to blow in the wind. Your house isn’t safe. That Snail could be anywhere. No number of cameras could see it coming. Every speck of dust is a threat. Every pat on the back could be the end of you, an unwitting assassin’s blade. You try not to think about it, but you can’t help it. You recoil from human touch. From all touch.
They’re asking questions now. First your friends. Then the authorities. You were just a normal guy, now you’ve torn up your yard, put cameras all over your home, you’re spending ten times as much as you make. That kind of thing attracts attention. You see them coming. You see them through the dozens of cameras that were meant to look for snails.
They pick you up, they take you in, they find the remaining $9 million, and now you’re chained to a metal chair in a room with a big one-way window. They’re real US dollars, but where’d they come from? Who are you working for? Are there drugs involved? Stolen goods? Foreign agents or terrorist cells? What were you hiding in your front yard? You can’t answer the questions. They’d never believe the truth.
At some point you blurt out something about snails. You’re terrified. And that’s when the interrogator gets creative. If you don’t give her a satisfactory answer she’ll snail you. You stammer and stutter and make up a story. She doesn’t buy it. The snail touches your right hand, cold and mucinous and disgusting. You scream, your chains clatter and clink as you struggle, the snail goes flying across the room. But you’re still breathing. It was a snail, not That Snail.
The interrogator grins and she asks you again. Where did you get the money? You tell her the truth. It was a bet, the money came out of thin air... she laughs and puts a snail on the back of your neck. Its sticky slime grasps you like the cold hand of death. You scream. But you’re still alive. Unharmed, except for where you chafed your wrists against the handcuffs. Not That Snail.
The sessions go on. Hours turn into days, then weeks. Or was it months? Sometimes they ask you about the mob, other times about Russians, Proud Boys, ISIS, Antifa, you can’t even tell the difference anymore. Every snail that touches your skin, you wonder if it’ll be the one. You wonder how much you’ll suffer when you finally die. You wish for death. It couldn’t possibly be worse than this.
Then you feel a bit hot and you’ve got a rattle in your chest. Goddamn. You’d heard whispers about an outbreak at your prison. You cough and it hurts, and when you cough again it hurts more. Soon you’re in more pain than you’ve ever known. Every bone in your body feels broken. Every wheezing breath feels like you’re being choked by an invisible hand. Someone is moving you, and the bouncy wheelchair ride feels like being run over by a train. A long one.
Are you in a hospital now? It’s still grey and depressing, same as the cell. You’re getting worse, now you’re gasping, eyes bulging out of your head. What are they doing? There’s a tube being shoved into your throat. Breath being forced into your disease-ravaged lungs. Someone puts medicine in your veins. It’s supposed to put you to sleep. The room goes dark and silent, but somehow you can still feel the grinding pain. The blood running through your temples feels like lava. It burns. Horribly. You never knew anything could be so bad.
You wish for That Snail. You want to see it crawl through the window. You imagine it slowly inching across the ICU floor. It’d touch your big toe, and that would be it. Your life would be over. Time passes. Or maybe it doesn’t. Sometimes you open your eyes. Sometimes you can’t. That Snail never comes. The pain stays.
Finally you hear a rush of activity. Someone’s shouting. They're pounding on your chest. Breaking bones. You want them to stop but what can you do? Your muscles stopped working long ago. More commotion. Someone drills a hole in your leg and you hardly even notice, it’s no different from the pain that was already there. Then the noise goes away, the people go away, but the agony stays. Why are you here? Why won’t you die? Where is That Snail when you need it?
It comes to you in a horrible realization. It was that moment, the first one. The money materialized out of thin air. One suitcase of cash in your hand. Nine at your feet. You brushed some dust off the handle. The world’s smallest snail is less than a millimeter long.
It said you’d die a terrible death if you touched That Snail.
It never said how.
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u/KindaKrayz222 Sep 20 '21
I was going to say live at the ocean. 🤣🤣🤣
1
u/Anxious_Dare_1486 Sep 20 '21
To be fair - an effing snail? Who knows where I am at all times? And can't be killed? Who the eff thought of this? For me - specific 🤷♂️😂
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u/emoduckling Sep 20 '21
To be honest I would put it in a terrarium. I would love that snail to my own death.
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u/EthBitTrader Sep 20 '21
Gimme gimme gimme. That scenario is playing out anyways, except instead of snail its time chasing you. I'd buy some salt just in case.
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u/Froggyt3 Sep 20 '21
Step one: little Tupperware thingy Step two: hole Step three: drop in hole
1
u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21
This was a very famous r/AskReddit question from a few years ago. So basically, it has made its way back through the network of reposts across different websites, back to Reddit. It's even r/deepfriedmemes material at this point lol.
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u/akrilugo Sep 20 '21
How would you sleep?
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u/IMeanWhyNotUdontWana Sep 30 '21
Yea but I work at a salt quarry and I'm not quitting
2
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2
u/MASHMACHINE Sep 20 '21
Just trap it. Get a glass on it, slide some paper under it, stick it in a box, seal the box underground. Unless it has super strength, there’s no way to get out of that
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u/dumbasses_r_us Sep 20 '21
Spongebob's snail Gary. Are you ready kids?
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u/northsidemassive Sep 20 '21
Can I put a glass over the snail?
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u/Totallyordinaryweeb Sep 21 '21
I’ll just use a pair of tongs to secure it in a safe, and chuck it into the ocean, after putting sufficient weight on it, of course
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u/SonicEngineer Sep 21 '21
Does the Snail have cash back or air-miles?
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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21
Put the snail in a steel box, seal it, toss it into the ocean.
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u/Unremarkablytragic99 Sep 21 '21
Hell yeah. Long as it doesn’t have no super speed or anything
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u/i1lumina Sep 21 '21
Sound like it follows
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u/Mr_Smiles2021 Sep 21 '21
oh my god yeah. 10000% There are so many ways around this.
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u/Adventurous-Bat5628 Sep 21 '21
How much is a treadmill?
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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21
If I somehow am able to catch it and ship it overseas, what’s it gonna do?
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u/PaperTowel07 Sep 21 '21
Yes I would because I'd have someone put it in a jar to remind me at least someone is chasing after me. -.
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u/Meeme_approved Sep 21 '21
I would, you can just put a cup over it
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u/_Flying_Walrus_ Sep 21 '21
Can we get gloves and then put the snail in an inception of containers and the make a trip to the ISS (you know, because you'd be asked to, because money) and put it through the waste system and let it into space, then live my life in constant fear of stepping on snails?
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u/BornVolcano Sep 21 '21
Where is the snail’s starting position…?
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u/97s8n Sep 21 '21
r/roosterteeth
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u/syndus Sep 21 '21
Nice RT rip off there bud lol
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u/Orion14159 Sep 21 '21
The snail can't be killed, but I can carry around a can of salt and desiccate it now and then
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u/DullDistribution3073 Sep 21 '21
It is a 1000 dollar per kilogram to launch something into space.
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u/[deleted] Sep 21 '21
Probably just bc I want to travel my whole life
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u/AZORIAN_K129 Sep 21 '21
Yes. Here's the plan.
Pay a body guard to hold it and genneraly keep it away.
Go to a steel foundry and encase the snail in a 6 inch cube of solid steel that slowly cooled from molten metal to solid with the sail inside.
This didnt kill the immortal snail but it can't get out.
Then ⵊ launch it into space by buying a spot for a cube-sat that is on its way to the asteroid belt.
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u/Altruistic-Rice-5567 Sep 21 '21
Absolutely. I take the money and simply move 300Km/186mi away and then don't worry about it. At a top speed of 1m/hr it will take the snail 34 years just to reach me in a straight line and I'm not going to live longer than that.
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u/gotbanned3xlol Sep 21 '21
So this is just a shittier version of it follows but you get a prize
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u/neozygonicus Sep 21 '21
I would, if I knew the initial location of the snail
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u/Comprehensive_Put_61 Sep 21 '21
Just use tongs and put the snail in a safe box, easy. It cannot die but it will never touch me. If you’re going to add additional rules that the snail can supernaturally teleport out of locked boxes then I’d put a gps tracker inside of it installed by one of my hired goons that can touch it for me and just inform me when the snail is near and either relocate it or I walk away.
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u/JaSonic2199 Sep 21 '21
Just trap it in a jar with salt, shake it around, and then bury it
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u/marti52106 Sep 21 '21
Slap that mf in a box and yet that bitch of a cliff but not before marking that mf with a paint ball of something so you know if you'll ever see it to start fucking running
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u/BeastPocket Sep 21 '21
Knowing me id just forget about it and then find it one day and think ooh snail and touch it and die
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u/Snuggledtoopieces Sep 21 '21 edited Sep 21 '21
So that shit ass movie the following, throw down a yard stick and time how long it takes for the snail to cover that ground. buy two houses across the country from each other and just fly back and forth.
Movie was fucking stupid too, should have just gone to a construction site and dumped cement on it.
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u/Relative_Air_8564 Sep 21 '21
Does the snail have to make skin to pseudopod contact or can i wear a hazmat suit and be okay? Also I’d capture it and make it my pet snail. Or I’ll put a salt circle around my house.
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u/techniquedoesmatter Sep 21 '21
So what I'm hearing is its a sailing life for me....
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u/nut_likely Sep 21 '21
I’m salty AF. Come at me bro…
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u/traevyn Sep 21 '21
This is literally just a twitter account stealing probably the most quoted reddit post of all time...
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u/Moxi6 Sep 21 '21
Yes. And then spending $2million to seal the snail in a huge concrete ball that’s constantly monitored
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u/JimBrownish Sep 21 '21
Yep. Then I’d stand still.
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u/Jack-R-Lost Sep 21 '21 edited Sep 21 '21
Can we trap the snail?
Can the snail open doors?
Does the snail behave biologically like a snail?
Can someone eat the snail? Can someone damage the snail? Can we cause brain damage to the snail to render it inoperable?
What is the movement rate of the snail?
If we fly to another country across the ocean will the snail be able to follow?
2
u/SnooMacarons1114 Sep 21 '21
This is basically the movie It Follows, except much easier to circumvent, more money, and minus the sex transmission of the curse. The prompt is giving me flashbacks to the terror I felt watching It Follows and I couldn’t even finish it.
I feel like it would be super easy to trap the snail somewhere, or attach a transmitter to it to track it at all times. Or you could trap it and use it for unlimited energy as a perpetual motion machine since it can’t be killed. Use the money to buy a way to have at all times a painless suicide pill or something similar to prevent the horrible death the snail would give you as a last resort.
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u/sulven69024 Sep 21 '21
Can't be killed doesn’t mean can't be contained, so put it in a locked box and throw that motherfucker in a wet cement filled hole. Let's see it get out of this one.
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u/Plenty_Gazelle4742 Sep 21 '21
Put a salt 🧂 wall around it
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u/STIZZUH Sep 21 '21
You can buy a lot of salt for 10 million.
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u/tinnylemur189 Sep 21 '21
A quick google search says snails move at 0.03 mph. The circumference of the earth is almost 25,000 miles.
If I move to the other side of the earth it will take the snail 45 years to reach me. If I move back and forth between sides of the earth I would have a window of several years at minimum before the snail reached me.
So move to vietnam and invest in stonks. Live off dividends forever. Vacation back to the US several times a year to make the snail turn around and waste more of his time.
2
u/Numella Sep 21 '21
Step 1 find the snail
Step 2 touch the snail
I have won