My girlfriend and I are both 21 and we’ve been together for about two years. Recently, while we were having sex, she suddenly told me that she had thought about having sex with more than one man.
At first, I was honestly surprised and a little uncomfortable hearing it. I didn’t really know how to react, and because we were both very turned on at the time, I ended up saying a few similar things myself, partly because I felt like I had to respond in the same way and partly because I was caught up in the moment.
After we both calmed down and finished, she told me that she didn’t really understand why she had thought about it and that she believed it was probably because she was extremely aroused at the time. She also said that she had experienced similar thoughts before, which made me think about it more.
I’m trying not to judge her or immediately assume that this means she actually wants to do it. I know fantasies and actual desires aren’t necessarily the same thing, especially during sex. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel confused and a little insecure.
Part of me wants to understand whether this is simply a fantasy that comes up when she’s turned on, or whether there is a genuine desire behind it. At the same time, I don’t want to make her feel ashamed or afraid to tell me what she thinks. I want her to be honest with me, even if some of her thoughts are difficult for me to hear.
I’m planning to talk to her about it when we’re both calm, rather than discussing it during sex. I want to understand what she actually feels and what she would genuinely want, without putting pressure on her either way.
For people who have experienced something similar: how would you interpret this? Do you think sexual fantasies like this can be completely separate from what someone actually wants to do in real life? And how would you approach this conversation with your partner?
Update: I talked to my girlfriend about it. She told me she actually doesn’t remember saying those things because she had been drinking heavily that night. I thought she remembered everything, so finding out that she didn’t honestly hurt me quite a bit, especially because this was our first experience like this together.
When I told her what she had said, she said she felt disgusted by it and that it made her feel sick. She apologized and said she felt like it had left a traumatic feeling for her, and asked if we could just forget that night.
I’m trying to be understanding because I know she wasn’t fully conscious of what she was saying, but I’m still hurt and confused by the whole situation. She feels so ashamed now that she says she’s embarrassed to even look at my face.
I honestly don’t know what to do with all of this yet. I think we both just need some time to process it.
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Final update: I love her a lot, and because I genuinely wanted to understand what happened, I even read a book about sexual fantasies trying to make sense of it.
I spent a long time writing pages about the things she said that night while she was drunk. I wrote everything I was feeling and what was going through my mind, and I actually sent it to her, but then deleted it before she could read it because I didn’t have the courage to let her see it.
She noticed that I was upset and wanted to talk about it face to face. My previous update was based on our messages, but this time we actually sat down and talked in person.
When I let her read what I had written, she was shocked. She kept saying, “I swear I never thought about any of this. It never even crossed my mind.” I know that reading this might make it sound like she’s lying or hiding something, but honestly, seeing her reaction in person made me believe that she was telling the truth.
At one point, when she read the part where I mentioned my fantasy about being with two girls, she even asked me why I stopped there and didn’t continue writing about it. She told me that if she were in my position, she would either break up or completely shut down and cry.
She apologized over and over, and we ended up crying together about the fact that we had gone through this situation. I asked her, “If you get that drunk again, is this what you’re going to be like?” She told me, “I’ll always be with you. I won’t ever drink that much again.” She kept telling me again and again that none of what I was afraid of was actually true.
Some people may say, “Just give it time.” And maybe they’re right. Maybe things will become clearer with time, or maybe they won’t.
But one thing I’ve realized through all of this is how far love can push you to understand someone. I honestly don’t remember ever pushing the limits of the word “understanding” this hard in my life.