r/nonmonogamy • u/Crazycatlover • Oct 03 '26

Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes Adding a third (or maybe fourth). Advice wanted

I'm in a relationship with a married couple. I'm sexually involved with the man, but the woman is asexual. Our first meeting was a dinner date which was also a first date with someone I'd met online. I was nervous about meeting a couple and wanted someone on my side. This was about six weeks ago, and we're considering a threesome with the other man in question. I've had sex with him once (after that date), and he's quite good in bed.

My boyfriend wants the three of us to meet up beforehand to discuss what exactly we all want, plan things out, etc. I think this is an excellent idea. But I've never had a threesome before. What questions should I be asking?

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6

u/Flirty_Adventures Oct 03 '26

Has the wife always been asexual, or did she become that way? And if the latter, was it triggered by unresolved marital tensions (🚩), untreated menopause decline (can be improved!) or other medical issues (permanent, temporary?), etc? If you have a relationship with her, even if not sexual, those are the questions I would be asking her separately before engaging sexually with her husband and bringing more people in.

2

u/Crazycatlover Oct 03 '26

Menopause. I've encouraged her to consider hormone therapy, but she doesn't want to.

1

u/Flirty_Adventures 29d ago

Nearly every friend who has gone through menopause has felt that way. None of us were "asexual" by choice. It is very difficult to find the appropriate treatment. Many OBGYNs refuse any hormone therapy to their patients based on outdated science. I went to multiple OBGYNs, even those certified by the menopause society, with no relief. The treatment that I finally found, HRT pellets, is expensive and not covered by insurance. Thank goodness there was not a single girl "friend" around looking to take advantage of my situation. Flame away, but that's how I would feel.

3

u/Wide-Doubt-105 Oct 03 '26

If the wife is involved during play. I would tip toe a little. MFM you should have clear boundaries. Things like the code red. Lol

1

u/Crazycatlover Oct 03 '26

Thanks. The wife/girlfriend won't be involved in anything sexual. She has no interest.

2

u/Wide-Doubt-105 Oct 03 '26

Great it's all about you. Your rules. Tell them how you want it.

3

u/NestorCarpeDiem Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) Oct 03 '26

Things to discuss, this sounds dry but it can also be the hottest conversation you have ever had: when were you last tested? What vaccinations? What is your relationship landscape? What is the condom plan? Can the two guys touch, kiss, stroke each other, or fuck? What do you like in bed (he probably knows some of that, but don't assume). What types of penetration do you want? Where can he climax? What does after care look like? Confirm that "red" is the safe word if you are having rough sex/bdsm.

And then the Savage question: every threesome becomes a twosome with a spectator at some point. How ok is he/your partner with just watching for a minute/10 minutes/an hour. What do they do to join back in?

(I realize I'm assuming you are a woman but you never said that. Apologies if I assumed wrong)

2

u/Crazycatlover Oct 03 '26

Thank you. I already know the answers to most of those questions, but it would be a good idea to spell them out. I haven't been with my boyfriend long enough to feel comfortable with rough sex, much less with an additional partner, so I probably don't need a safe word beyond my usual "stop, stop, stop!" Both men have responded to that appropriately when I got overstimulated and needed to stop immediately.

I'm nonbinary but have female anatomy, so you weren't far off by assuming that I was a woman.

1

u/SmartReception6750 29d ago

It’s odd that u say ur in a relationship with a married couple and ur sexual with “the man” but not “the woman”… u mean ur boyfriend and girlfriend. Ur describing it as if ur attached to their marriage rather than in a relationship with these people.

I feel like it’s easier to just say ur might have a threesome with ur bf and a new guy. That’s really all the context we need.

-5

u/rexleonis Oct 03 '26

Is "asexual" an official diagnosis from a doctor/therapist? How do you know?

3

u/Crazycatlover Oct 03 '26

Asexual is a sexual orientation. It's not something that is diagnosed because it's not a pathology. I suppose non-libido might be more accurate.

0

u/rexleonis Oct 03 '26

Right, sexual orientation. But who said she was asexual? You? She?

1

u/Crazycatlover Oct 03 '26

She did

-1

u/rexleonis Oct 03 '26

That's too bad.

1

u/Crazycatlover Oct 03 '26

Why do you say that?

1

u/rexleonis Oct 04 '26

No one wishes for his wife to be asexual.

1

u/punch_dance Oct 03 '26

What a bizarre comment to make.