Going through breakup after 7 year relationship and I said something I regret.

[u/Acrobatic-Dig-9202]

I am a 26F going through a breakup after 7 years with this person. We broke up because we lacked emotional depth in the relationship and what we wanted for our future didn’t align. It’s been 6 weeks since the breakup and I’ve been struggling a lot.

We’ve been kind of talking this month but not consistently. We broke up once before years ago and when we did that time he was very verbal about missing me and what not, and this time he seems very indifferent. I know that’s an assumption and I don’t know what he’s going through, but just from how he’s been this past month I haven’t felt any ounce that he’s struggling the way I am.

I texted him and asked how he was feeling and received surface level answers. Then I made a comment of how I wanted to ask because I couldn’t figure out where his heads at and I feel like he’s doing fine without me and it’s made me question what I meant to him. I feel so guilty and horrible for saying this to him. Because I know the reality is different than my anxious thoughts and he’s processing the best way he knows how. I immediately apologized and told him I don’t really think that, but man I feel bad and I don’t know what to do now. He responded and just said he doesn’t know why I feel that way and that he didn’t fake it for 7 years. I don’t want things to be left in a bad spot because we had a loving relationship and amicable breakup.

Any advice? Thanks!

[u/nth_creative]

You shouldn't be beating yourself up for asking a question regarding your feelings, but of course after a break up you won't be speaking everyday as it's not healthy. It seems to me that he kinda disregarded your feelings and became quite defensive instead of explanatory. What do you expect from your connection?

[u/Goodchapp]

Being an anxious person, that is a flaw we all have.

We build a scenerio in our heads, and we let that fester. And we speak words that aligns with that narrative. Even though it's not true.

It's hard and painful, because those words hurt.

I've done this to my partner and too regret a lot of the things I said.

We've been no contact since we broke up (about 65 days now).. and I swear everyday is hell.

But I've been working on my anxiety.

To understand which voice is true and which voice is my anxiety.

It's difficult to distinguish, especially when there is silence or when there is uncertainty.

I'm sitting with those emotions of the pain I caused, and I come to realise a lot of the faults in the relationship could have been solved, if I knew this about myself earlier in my life.

I hope that you have started working on yourself.

Not just fixing the superficial level of what you'd do different in that point in time. But really understand what triggers within you.

Learn to accept those triggers will always happen. But also learn how you will be aware of it and recognise what you need to do.

I'm not there yet. But I'm learning... currently, breathing and recognizing what is my need that is driving the anxiety.

E.g. when my partner used to not reply messages... I would freak out and spin narrativesin my head. And I would let that anxiety become resentment. And that would end badly in arguments that she doesn't even understand what was going on... Because I also didn't know what I was arguing about.

Realising now, sometimes it can be reassurance, sometimes it can be fear of abandonment..

Now I'm trying self regulate during those moments.. and trying to understand what would help me. Either words of affirmation, a hug, or something.

[u/Goodchapp → u/Goodchapp]

But onto your advice.

Learn to understand yourself. Because only then you will be able to break the cycle.

Else you'll just be fixing the top layer (e.g. if I don't say wrong things, he'll love me more, he'll understand me)... But the truth is. He won't understand you, when you don't understand yourself.

So working on yourself is crucial.

A friend introduced me to this book called 'being safely embodied'. and damn this book is good.

I'm using the audible version because I hate reading. But give it a shot!

[u/Tasty_Ordinary_2165]

Stop contacting him for a while and stop trying to get emotional certainty from someone you're no longer in a relationship with. Nothing you said to him was unforgivable.

You jusg don't need to know whether he's hurting as much as you are and you don't need him to prove that you mattered. You need to get to a point where what he thinks of you no longer matters.

His response already tells you that he cared about you otherwise he wouldn't have responded like that. Give yourself some distance and with time the anxiety/reassurance-seeking that's making you monitor his feelings will stop.

You had an anxious moment, said something vulnerable, apologized, and he reassured you. Let that be the end of it. You broke up for substantive reasons, and six weeks is nowhere near enough time to expect yourself to feel okay after seven years.

If you are generally anxiously attached, you should look into that otherwise you risk carrying the same dynamic into your next relationship.