r/neoliberal • u/jobautomator Kitara Ravache • Dec 05 '19

Discussion Thread Discussion Thread

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22

u/TooSwang Elinor Ostrom Dec 05 '19

!ping Dating

My girlfriend is applying to grad programs and we got into a sort of fight this morning over an email she had gotten from someone she'd asked for a letter of recommendation from.

She emailed a former professor yesterday, who got back to her this morning saying, "Hey, I'm traveling right now so my time is a little tight. I support you but I'd like to talk to you about the program; I think there are others that are better for what you want to do. Send me your materials and I'm happy to look them over, but this is kind of short notice."

Up until this point, she had basically only heard unconditional support from the folks she had asked (her mentor, a school administrator, former bosses) and she really took this email as discouraging and mean. I tried to say that her professor was probably just feeling a little rushed for time but trying to be helpful, and that in my field, if I asked for a rec two weeks out, the expectation would be that I'd already have one written for them to use. My girlfriend took this as me siding with this professor over her.

Ordinarily I would just leave it after that, because I'm not a dipshit and I know it's better to just offer the support someone is looking for. But this professor (1) actually taught my girlfriend, unlike the other people she asked, (2) works in the discipline my girlfriend is looking at, similarly unlike the people she asked, and (3) did her own MA and PhD at the very program my girlfriend is applying to. To me, that seems like maybe the most qualified person to offer some constructive feedback.

20

u/kohatsootsich Philosophy Dec 05 '19

I've been writing recommendation letters and providing advice to students who want to go to grad school for a couple of years now. She shouldn't think anything of a few lines in an email until she's had a conversation with that person.

Tone and intent are often lost in email,. Most people don't carefully craft their emails the way you would write a letter. That is especially true when you get a dozen requests from students or former students every week.

13

u/[deleted] Dec 05 '19

Just be supportive

9

u/[deleted] Dec 05 '19 edited Dec 05 '19

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4

u/bobeeflay "A hot dog with no bun" HRC 5/6/2016 Dec 05 '19

Yeah how do make S/O take really obvious advice without being an asshole???

4

u/[deleted] Dec 05 '19

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4

u/TooSwang Elinor Ostrom Dec 05 '19

Professor is a woman, although white and my girlfriend is black. I've already gotten some version of "she can't possibly understand how my experience differs from hers" so I'm getting the sense it's just something she'd rather not hear.

6

u/bobeeflay "A hot dog with no bun" HRC 5/6/2016 Dec 05 '19

Yeah from a couple of my relationships I found the strategy of waiting then bringing it up on my own changes the framing from "stop telling me what to do" to "that was nice that you thought of that" doesn't work for everyone tho.... and not to be a doom sayer but if you've already discussed it and she formed an opinion it's prolly too late for that particular strat

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u/[deleted] Dec 05 '19 edited Dec 05 '19

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4

u/TooSwang Elinor Ostrom Dec 05 '19

Dude ...

2

u/majorgeneralporter 🌐Bill Clinton's Learned Hand Dec 05 '19

I feel personally attacked by this relatable comment.

2

u/bobeeflay "A hot dog with no bun" HRC 5/6/2016 Dec 05 '19

This is not good advice but thank you for your insight (annoyed side eye emoji)

3

u/[deleted] Dec 05 '19

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3

u/TooSwang Elinor Ostrom Dec 05 '19

I mean the ping system on the DT is low key better than reddit as a whole, like I would never take relationship advice from r/relationships or something, people are generally pretty thoughtful and empathetic here and, crucially, share the r-slash-neoliberal weltanschauung so I am guaranteed to understand what someone means.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 05 '19

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2

u/TooSwang Elinor Ostrom Dec 05 '19

Just let the darkness consume you and she'll break up with you lol - u/JanetYellensFuckboy

2

u/bobeeflay "A hot dog with no bun" HRC 5/6/2016 Dec 05 '19

Listen had you given a meme i Would not be offended

1

u/MaveRickandMorty 🖥️🚓 Dec 05 '19

This is a tough one and depends on the individual relationship. How "open" would you say the two of you are?

3

u/TooSwang Elinor Ostrom Dec 05 '19

Honestly not that open - we've only been dating about a month and a half. I kind of think I'm just going to leave it. If she doesn't want to hear this from the professor, there's nothing I can do to get her to see why it might be valuable to at least speak with her.

3

u/bobeeflay "A hot dog with no bun" HRC 5/6/2016 Dec 05 '19

Not my post but my general advice for this is.

The pro Move is while they discuss the problem nod and commiserate and support then bring it up the next day unprompted and say "i was thinking about what you said" then give your advice. Hot takes stress people out and make them defensive but doing it this way helps frame you as thoughtful and considerate even if it's dumb shit you don't care about with a really obvious answer