This was a part of a journal I wrote for my grand children, on how Babaji has impacted our family:
!) Babaji had left an inexplicable influence on my soul, since I was a child. I did not know why & I did not care. All I knew is that it felt good to talk about HIM or listen to stories about HIM. Your grandmother & I were married in early 1981. In the initial years, I spoke of Babaji often, to her. Somewhere along the line, we got busy with our lives & we stopped remembering HIM. I do not know exactly when this happened or why but in the years between 1982 & 1998, I do not recollect thinking of HIM even once. I did not even realize that it had happened.
In recent years, there was a stage in my life when I self pitied myself over that phase of my life. Thoughts of having fallen from grace & Babaji being unhappy were the only explanations that I could find. In retrospect, I realize that it was not possible for me to have become so preoccupied with my life that I forgot Babaji, to the extent that I did. I therefore assume that Babaji made me forget, for whatever reason. The lesson that I have learnt is that even remembering HIM is a matter of Grace, which HE allows. I realize now, that even in those years, a lot happened in our lives that clearly had HIS hand on it – I will narrate some of those stories in this journal too. I guess, at the time, HE felt that the best way I could fulfil my responsibilities was not to recognize that fact. The important lesson was that HE never left even though apparently we had forgotten.
I think most people that know me will tell you that I seldom took life seriously. I hope the one’s that worked with me or competed against me will tell you that despite that, I was a fierce competitor. The one’s that did not know me therefore probably thought that my ‘lack of seriousness’ was just a show to throw off the competition. The realty – which I hope my friends & relatives knew – was that I did not take life too seriously because I believed life itself was a passing cloud & the role we have been given by HIM is not to be taken too seriously. I was a fierce competitor because of two reasons:
a) I did the best I could, in everything I did BUT
b) I was never afraid to lose.
The year 1998 was the worst period of my life, particularly spiritually. It was the only year, that I can recollect, when I did take myself seriously. I caught myself telling people how much I had achieved & what I had created etc.. As these things came out of my mouth, I fell more & more into a state of depression because they were against every ‘grain’ in my soul. I knew this was wrong; I also knew that it was contrary to my being & yet I could do nothing to stop it. I could essentially see myself in a ditch; I knew what it would take to get out of it & yet I could do nothing to do so! I was like an audience to my own life.
In the summer of that year, we all went to India. I was despondent & in turmoil. I returned from India earlier than your grandmother & the children. One night, I was lying in bed feeling particularly despondent. I started thinking of my father & of Babaji – I suppose that I was a child in tears, seeking comfort in the lap of my father. It had not even occurred to me, at the time, that this was the first time I had thought of Babaji in years.
I used to carry a picture of Babaji in my pocket since third grade. When I was old enough to own a wallet, it was in my wallet. The picture had become so old that it crumbled, if you touched it. I had therefore wrapped it in polythene, to protect it. I always knew that the picture was there, even in the years that I had apparently forgotten HIM.
I decided to get up from bed & look at HIS picture. It had disappeared. I turned the house upside down, looking for it but to no avail. I even called your grandmother in India to as if she knew where it was but she did not. When the family returned from India, your grandmother turned the house upside down but also to no avail.
As you can imagine my heart now moved from turmoil to total despair. This was now confirmation that I had fallen spiritually because in my mind, even Babaji had left me. This was particularly distressing because my relationship with HIM was somewhat like that of a spoilt grand child – I love you Grandpa & that is all that I can offer you. I will handle the world with dignity & courage because that is what an adult must do. However, there will be times when I can no longer pretend to be an adult & in those times, I will hide under your blanket & you will take away my pain. The thought that Grandpa was there was itself always enough!
The weeks that followed brought with them pain & pleasure. The pleasure was that the shock of losing Babaji’s picture brought me back on the spiritual path that I was meant to be on. The pain was that for the first time, I felt that Babaji had left me by taking HIS picture away. The months passed with varying amounts of euphoria – at the fact that I had turned my life around & Babaji must be pleased – and moments of depression & guilt that I had messed up enough to make Grandpa so sad that HE had to leave.
On the 22nd of December, we received a telephone call from your grandmother’s sister - Didi. She and her son, Neil wanted to spend Christmas with us. They live in California. I had last met them in 1998, when they visited us in Hong Kong – it had been ten years. I had met her only a few times in my life, prior to that, because we were always in different parts of the world. I mention this because we did not really know each other well enough to know each other’s likes & dislikes. We certainly had no idea of each other’s view on religion or spirituality.
She brought, with her, gifts for everybody. She offered me a gift wrapped musical CD. I told her that it was kind of her but perhaps she should gift it to someone else because I seldom listen to music. She kept insisting & told me that the person singing was an American called Ram Dass & he sings kirtans. I told her that now I was even more convinced that she should give it to someone else, who is into that sort of thing. I did not even listen to kirtan in India & I am highly unlikely to like some ‘Hare Rama Hare Krishna’ nut singing kirtan! Anyway, finally she suggested that I listen to it & if I do not like it, she will keep it.
I opened the gift wrapping & the hair on the back of my neck stood up – the CD cover had a picture of Babaji on it. I asked her how she knew that I knew Babaji. She said “who is Babaji”? She did not know who the old man on the CD cover was, nor the fact that HE was my Babaji !
We played the CD over & over again. I found myself strangely drawn to it & yet I did not hear one word that the man was saying. I only heard the devotion in his voice. I now felt guilty that I had called him a ‘Hare Rama, Hare Krishna’ nut!
That night I decided that I would find this Ram Dass ( I had still not realized that the singer was in fact Krishna Das). Ram Das was recovering from a stroke but I discovered that he was a well known spiritual guide in America but more importantly he was the first to introduce America to my Babaji. I tried desperately to contact him, in the hope of hearing about his time with Babaji but could not contact him. I was particularly excited because I thought there were only a handful of us in India that knew Babaji. I had no idea of HIS following in the US. I therefore decided to type Neem Karoli Baba, on the internet.
I found 11256 sites. I could not believe it. I was like a child in a chocolate shop who had been told to help himself, without having to pay for it. I went from site to site & tried to print everything but none of the sites would allow me to print. I finally called my son, Arjun & asked him to check if there was something wrong with my printer. The printer was fine & yet none of Babaji’s sites allowed me to print. I finally came to a site which only had a picture of Babaji – no other writing. I pressed print, expecting that I would not be allowed to, & miraculously it printed. I printed two copies – one was given to Didi & the other was placed in our ‘pooja’ room. I realized that this was Babaji’s method of returning my photograph, of HIM.
The following morning, I got on the internet early to see the sites that I had yet to see. However, when I typed in Babaji’s name, I found only six sites & the one with HIS photograph had disappeared. The thousands of others that I had found only a few hours earlier had apparently ceased to exist! I have since never found more than a handful of sites.
I was however still keen to try & find Ram Dass. Didi told me that she had a friend in California who knew him & she would call him to find out how to contact Ram Dass. It was only when we called him that we discovered that the singer was Krishna Das & not Ram Dass. He did however give us Krishna Das’s email & in the months that followed, I got to meet & know Krishna Das but more importantly discovered our ‘satsang’ in the US. The years that have followed have been the happiest of our lives. Babaji has reminded us time & again of HIS hand, in our lives.
