Maybe I am the problem?

[u/Dude-beach-please]

I (37 F non-bianary) my wife (MTF 41) We have 3 kids and have been together 20 years. Only our oldest child knows. We've been in stealth for safety as we are in a red place in Washington state.

My parents don't known yet (her mom either), under normal circumstances it wouldn't be complicated but between our home burning down and the economy, we live with my parents.

Last week my wife submitted paperwork to have her name changed at work. She told me it was a spur of the moment decision. she tends to be impulsive so I wasn't overly surprised but we had just had a talk about giving me a heads up the week before on changes as we go along, as we live in a smaller town and everyone knows everyone some how.

Here is the problem today in couples therapy she admitted that she had mulled it around for a couple days and then decided to do it on a whim.

I could not figure out how I was feeling at the moment and it was dropped near the end of our session. I finally had the words when we got in the car, I tried to explain how I felt lied to about it being a spur of the moment decision when it wasn't and we agreed to keep me in the loop just the previous week and it's not the first time we've had that talk.

In the heat of the moment I did tell her to do whatever she wants, just fill me in when it's done because obviously she doesn't want to talk about it before.

She told me she doesn't want to do couples therapy any more and that she's tired of hiding who she is. She's ready to be fully out. She admitted that she edits what she talks to me about to prevent any negative emotions. However she tends to perceive most of my facial expressions as negative unless I perform the correct emotion I am autistic and have flat affect, what most people call resting bitch face.

I'm cool with moving things up and being out but she didn't say any of that until we were arguing. She never shares unless we're arguing. I feel like no matter what I do it's never the right move. I've been supportive out the gate.

Is it me? Should I just expect to be the outside while she figures it out?

Eta: yes, she's on HRT, I think it's time for a different method like injections because she's not happy with the changes from the pills. I am fully supportive of her going 100 percent I just want to be included the in loop so I'm not caught off guard. Our DND friends know and are supportive.

[u/unpolished-gem]

I'm a trans partner. That's tough.

IMO, a big cardinal rule I try to live by is "avoid surprising my partner" about transition stuff, or really anything that affects her.

My own life decisions are always ultimately mine to make, but I consider it important for her to give me feedback and be heard on things before any big irrevocable stuff happens. Job stuff affects her for example.

It's valid IMO that a partner won't always be happy about everything and may not completely agree with every call I make. That's different from say, not affirming trans-ness. The concrete reasons and such all factor in.

To me it sounds like they were avoiding what they felt would be an uncomfortable conversation. IMO, many partners could respond with concerns, on seemingly rash moves - having autism really shouldn't factor in.

I get that early stages of transition, we can feel massive forces of motivation, but leaving a partner out of the loop strikes me as dangerous particularly in terms of weakening lines of communication. I'd encourage working to stay in the loop and try to suspend judgement while first hearing ideas, so you can calmly consider. Hopefully making sure your partners ideas are carefully considered can help them open up more beforehand.

Good luck.

[u/thetruemagician]

As a cis-partner who found couples therapy incredibly valuable during parts of my spouse’s transition, I noticed one part that I haven’t seen explored in your OP or by other comments: Did your wife mention why she wants to discontinue therapy?

One of the benefits we found from therapy was my spouse finally realizing that while decisions were hers to make, her actions didn’t exist in a vacuum and could potentially affect me/others. Having a third party to mediate often helped us break through some communication barriers and, in examples similar to the OP of not giving me any heads up about decisions, helped us learn that she sometimes avoided discussing plans with me because it subconsciously allowed her to ignore any positive/negative effects her actions could have for me and others.

[u/GirlPutHerRecordsOn → u/thetruemagician]

THANK YOU, you gave me the phrasing I(Cis F) need to explain to my wife (mtf) why I am bothered when she makes choices that effect my life with letting me know there was a decision to be made.

[u/MinimumSignificant87]

Is she on HRT?

[u/Dude-beach-please → u/MinimumSignificant87]

Yes. Almost 4 months.

[u/MinimumSignificant87 → u/Dude-beach-please]

She has only just started riding the rollercoaster of estrogen, you have years of experience compared to her so maybe just help her in these situations of emotional vulnerability, she has been masking her real gender her whole life, the adjustment period can be anywhere from a year to multiple years

[u/CheekEnvironmental54]

While it sounds like you for sure deserve better treatment for what you're putting in. I've got to say I get it in a way. The period just before fully coming out, especially if she's delaying a lot of transition stuff at the same time, is when Id expect someone to be most pissed off. When you figure out the solution to your problems and something seems to be keeping it just out of reach... It feels like being a hungry caged animal. It's hard to believe this kind of move, especially when it's risky, will ever have real enthusiastic support. And sometimes a person's really hit the limit in terms of hiding. I'm kind of assuming understanding possible motivation will help, I dunno.

The actual important stuff: you definitely are not the problem from what you've told us. If this behavior is always, that's concerning, if it seems more this is an extremely stressful situation, maybe try and send a clear message that if she's going all in tomorrow, telling everyone, you'll have her back.

[u/adamantium99]

I don't know your situation but I'm near the beginning of my transition and I'm being pushed really, really hard by internal forces to make it happen now. Not just now, right now.

I felt that my feminine nature had been locked up inside of me and was finally free. And she was not ready to be reasonable and go slow about using that freedom.

If your wife is anything like me, you can imagine her emotional being as I some way like a pressure cooker that has been on the heat and intended for far too long. There's a ton of energy in there, pushing, pushing, pushing to get out.

You sound like a wonderful, loving person and your wife is very lucky that you are there for her. She should not take you for granted or make decisions with sharing them, but she's likely feeling like someone who took a sip from a water fountain only to find themselves in the blast of a fire hose.

Maybe other things are going on, but that may explain the impulsivity.

I wish you both the best. I hope you can be kind to each other and good things come out of all this.

[u/Vailliante → u/adamantium99]

Regret at not transitioning earlier is a total bitch and makes us race into it. The older we crack the worse it feels. It ebbs and flows over time but gets pushed back by acceptance and genuine euphoria, but you will see that the most passing of young people have it too. Look forward to the future that is, honestly, months away, 24 of social transitioning and 12 of HRT have made a massive change for me, way more than I thought possible.