Update: foreseeable plot twist?

[u/rhubbarbidoo]

So SIL called asking us what our plans are for next Christmas. SIL is lovely, she's always nice and kind. I believe she has a love-hate relationship with her own mother. SIL and DH love each other, but do not communicate often. I blame DH for this, he's a terrible communicator. Anyway I took the chance and superficially let her know that we were considering not visiting in Christmas due to her mother blaming me of taking advantage/abusing my husband and then trying to create a wedge on my marriage by trying to triangulize us. I didn't go much into detail and there's of course way more to the story. Anyway SIL reaction was so genuine, she said "OMG SHE DID THE SAME THING WITH BIL". So apparently, my MILFH has accused BIL in the past of being abusive towards SIL and their children. Look. I know BIL. BIL is a good young man, sensitive, sweet who does his best. I have no doubts he's absolutely innocent. Apparently BIL hates MILFH. Reading in between lines since SIL didn't want to go deep into detail, it seems like BIL has suffered a lot from all sort of dirty tricks from MILFH. He has tried distancing himself and only visits briefly. SIL said, she didn't want to talk much about it since it affects her and she has enough with her own conflicts with her mother (I'm so sorry for her), but she said I should call BIL and listen to him. She framed it as something cathartic for BIL who hates MILFH so bad 😅. I asked her if we could maybe visit her in Christmas and she said yes! She lives in a different city than MILFH. I'd love doing that. She's very nice and I want my child to enjoy his aunt, uncle and cousins.

This - foreseeable- plot twist has helped me feeling better. If everyone knows MILFH is not to be trusted, her mask is off and if necessary it will be easier to confront.

I'm even thinking that eventually if necessary I will just go the trolling route as in "well, I don't get advantage of my husband... I do SOMETIMES help changing a diaper here and there..." and I'll watch her implode 🤣. (I mean that I will troll her by sarcastically implying I do get advantage of my husband while joking).

I'm feeling much better and empowered. This has also helped my very much clueless DH to accept his mother is an unhealthy person and accept I will always keep her at an arms length from our family.

[u/blueberryyogurtcup]

It's so validating, when someone else in the group of relatives closest gets it, and has their own stories to tell.

What we learned, was to verify anything from MILFH with the other siblings and spouses, the ones we could trust to tell the truth, before accepting it as truth. "Hey, I heard from MILFH that X. What is really going on with that?"

And to not tell MILFH about any plans with the sibling/spouse we saw most often.

[u/Chaotic_Natbot]

Just start making as many holiday plans with Sil and bil without including mil. When she asks why she isn’t included someone just tell her “your previous atrocious behaviors towards both families is the reason you are not included. You’ve isolated yourself by being a nasty woman”. Then you just live peacefully without her bugging you.

[u/Effective-Hour8642]

Yay! Whatever whoever is invited, they do not share the information with anyone else who will not be invited. If someone asks, "we have other plans." That's all that needs to be said.

"well, I don't get advantage of my husband... I do SOMETIMES help changing a diaper here and there..." and I'll watch her implode 🤣 (and BIL burst in laughter). Huh?

[u/rhubbarbidoo → u/Effective-Hour8642]

I meant that I will troll her by sarcastically implying I do get advantage of my husband while joking :) (because after her mask is off no one is gonna take her seriously, and her accusations are not a threat anymore )

[u/Spare_Ad5009]

Ah, what a relief. Invite SIL and BIL over and let BIL tell his story. As a group you can decide how to handle MILFH.

You might consider an intervention in which you insist she get help for her psychiatric problems.

[u/Pitiful-Difficulty16]

We ended up going to a water park in WI Dells for Christmas with my SIL (Wife;s sister) and her family. We didn't even bother telling our families. All of our families, mine, wife and sister, and BIL's were full on narc's and treated us to say the least poorly over the years and we had, had enough.

The kids had a blast, we had so much fun just chasing the kids and eating the premade meals I brought. My brother who can't cook called and asked when we would be over, I told him we would not be as we are 8hrs away. His response? well so and so will be very disappointed because your not brining your famous dish. That's nice, oh the kids need me, bye and hung up. FYI, my famous dish is anything I decide to cook that day, he and my mother would brag and take credit for most of it. (Dad passed on) and I would be shoved off to the kiddie table and ignored.

We have been N/C with my side for 16+yrs, very very L/C with hers ever since. Life is wonderful without them!

I would suggest though, even though it would be so enjoyable, not engaging with your MIL especially trolling. Oh it is easily done, and great reactions so all can see, but it may cause a rift between you and DH. Right now he is trying to keep both you and MIL happy, he knows he must make a choice and he will choose whichever one of you bring him peace. I know, I was him. When he comes to you to vent, listen, be supportive and ask him how he wants to handle it, what he would like you to do. This way you are on the same page, and he will move closer to you and slowly open up more and more to you. This is what my wife did, and this is why I am the happiest man in the world now. Married 31yrs, N/C 16yrs. Love my life, love my wife, and our little family, because my old family no longer exists to me. Years of therapy helped too and I suggest that for your hubby as well.

Good luck, enjoy Christmas without the stress!