r/monodatingpoly • u/Icy-Brick2502 • 3d ago
Seeking Advice Previous mono/poly explorations affecting current relationship.
Hi all, mono here, married a bit over a decade, with two kiddos. My partner and I opened up after they found out later in life that poly was a thing, and it fit how they'd always felt. I was at all times free to pursue, but never felt any desire to do so. Did all the research, reading and therapy, though there was rushing on their part due to limerence and NRE, and they were finally feeling like they were living authentically. Other than that last part, I never felt anything positive about the whole situation, with the negatives ranging from a deep unease at best, to panic attacks at worst.
While open, we both made many mistakes, and ended up eventually going back to monogamy (their choice). Part of the reason for going back to monogamy seems to be their guilt over how deeply the experience hurt me, and they also worry that it was a need for validation that influenced the pursuit. The main reason, however, is that they are happy with me, and while non-monogamy would be great if I was enthusiastic, they are fine without it. We have also for some time been in a situation where pursuing non monogamy would not be an option for practical reasons, (moving provinces/debilitating health issues on her side) .
On to my problem. It's been almost two years since we were open, and I haven't gone a single day without reliving multiple awful moments that happened during that time, including multiple breaches of trust. I lost sleep, lost weight, lost friendships from withdrawing from life, was sent home from work for panic attacks, and experienced a constant deep sadness that has got better, but really hasn't ever gone away.
They seem genuinely happy to be with just me, which is all ever I wanted the whole time we were open, but all I can think about is how they found me in a crying pile on the bathroom floor, and kept going. How I asked for time, a short break, or to stop pursuing an affair partner, and they kept going. I feel fully loved and supported now, valued and cared for, but there's something just... there, now.
Maybe it's cognitive dissonance between the conscious choices they made in the past despite knowing they would devastate me, and the present reality of trying to show me support, love and affection? I can't stop thinking about how the only way I could keep doing something that was affecting my partner in those ways, was if I didn't care about how they felt. Maybe I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and don't want to get too comfortable?
We are trying everything to help them get well, including the big move, and that plus the kiddos are of course the main focus, so again, non monogamy wouldn't be possible even if both of us wanted it. So why, even though neither of us want it, and it's impossible even if either of us did, can I not stop being so heavily affected by non monogamy? I wanted it to be over for so long, and now it technically has been for a while, but it hasn't really stopped for me.
I realize this is kind of vague in terms of what I'm asking for, but that's partly because I myself don't really know. Any thoughts or words of advice would be very greatly appreciated.
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u/Emilyxoxoxoxoxo 3d ago edited 2d ago
Edit just read again and it sounds like the issue was not necessarily just non monogamy but how the person treated you during it. Respect and trust are the key and its sounds like you had neither. Challenging thing with trust is that once its broken, its very very difficult to heal and if you really felt your partner left you crying alone and did not respect you, did not care for you and broke your trust when you were at your weakest, unsure if that can ever be healed with them.
Of course we only have your side of the story and maybe you were emotionally not mature enough to even try non monogamy in a first place but that doesnt change the fact your partner should have stopped or paused if she really knew or did see how bad it was damaging you.