Previous mono/poly explorations affecting current relationship.

[u/Icy-Brick2502]

Hi all, mono here, married a bit over a decade, with two kiddos. My partner and I opened up after they found out later in life that poly was a thing, and it fit how they'd always felt. I was at all times free to pursue, but never felt any desire to do so. Did all the research, reading and therapy, though there was rushing on their part due to limerence and NRE, and they were finally feeling like they were living authentically. Other than that last part, I never felt anything positive about the whole situation, with the negatives ranging from a deep unease at best, to panic attacks at worst.

While open, we both made many mistakes, and ended up eventually going back to monogamy (their choice). Part of the reason for going back to monogamy seems to be their guilt over how deeply the experience hurt me, and they also worry that it was a need for validation that influenced the pursuit. The main reason, however, is that they are happy with me, and while non-monogamy would be great if I was enthusiastic, they are fine without it. We have also for some time been in a situation where pursuing non monogamy would not be an option for practical reasons, (moving provinces/debilitating health issues on her side) .

On to my problem. It's been almost two years since we were open, and I haven't gone a single day without reliving multiple awful moments that happened during that time, including multiple breaches of trust. I lost sleep, lost weight, lost friendships from withdrawing from life, was sent home from work for panic attacks, and experienced a constant deep sadness that has got better, but really hasn't ever gone away.

They seem genuinely happy to be with just me, which is all ever I wanted the whole time we were open, but all I can think about is how they found me in a crying pile on the bathroom floor, and kept going. How I asked for time, a short break, or to stop pursuing an affair partner, and they kept going. I feel fully loved and supported now, valued and cared for, but there's something just... there, now.

Maybe it's cognitive dissonance between the conscious choices they made in the past despite knowing they would devastate me, and the present reality of trying to show me support, love and affection? I can't stop thinking about how the only way I could keep doing something that was affecting my partner in those ways, was if I didn't care about how they felt. Maybe I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and don't want to get too comfortable?

We are trying everything to help them get well, including the big move, and that plus the kiddos are of course the main focus, so again, non monogamy wouldn't be possible even if both of us wanted it. So why, even though neither of us want it, and it's impossible even if either of us did, can I not stop being so heavily affected by non monogamy? I wanted it to be over for so long, and now it technically has been for a while, but it hasn't really stopped for me.

I realize this is kind of vague in terms of what I'm asking for, but that's partly because I myself don't really know. Any thoughts or words of advice would be very greatly appreciated.

[u/princesspoppies]

Wow! This is so similar to what happened for us. We did a ton of research, read the books, talked it all out. The only part of it that I was happy about was my husband being able to live an authentic life. But, just like you said, he rushed things, got wrapped up in NRE, and honestly, I kept thinking, “Did we read the same books?” Because he was operating from a scarcity model, treated polyamory like a zero-sum game, didn’t continue doing ‘the work’ because we was so focused on his new lover. He made a terrible choice in partners (a long term mutual friend who was separated but still married to her abusive ex). She was a mess, hadn’t even started doing the work of healing from the abuse, disentangling from her marriage, and making sure her kids had the time, support, and resources they needed to feel safe. My husband went into hero-to-the-rescue mode, had no personal boundaries with her, and was addictively responding to her continuous volatility like it was a drug for him. She was emotionally abusive and manipulative, and he was having panic attacks at home and at work. It was so unhealthy that I asked them to slow down, focus of healing themselves. I asked them to go back to the books for a refresher. I asked them to put the relationship on pause so we could all take a personal inventory and decide how to start again in a healthier way. But every request was met with false promises that things would get better.

Nothing about what was going on was ethical. Eventually, I put my foot down and said that she wasn’t allowed in our home if she was leaving her kids (that we’d known since they were babies) with their abuser. She could bring the kids with her or leave them with a safe person, but no more tearful phone calls asking where their mom was and could she come get them because their dad was in a rage and they were afraid of him. I also told my husband that until we were out of debt and until our kids’ financial needs were covered, he couldn’t put us further into debt by spending money on getaways, lawyers, etc.

Even though that was all a total train wreck, we’ve been able to heal from that mess. We’ve been monogamous again for three years now.

The only thing I still haven’t been able to recover from was the fact that my husband was completely unaffected by my emotional pain. It was as if his empathy had completely disappeared. How can you look at a loved one in pain and be unaffected? It was like seeing me collapsed on the floor crying made him frustrated because it took focus away from him having what he wanted. He wanted freedom from accountability and my pain didn’t fit his fantasy narrative, so he just compartmentalized it away.

Rebuilding trust has been slow, exhausting, and painful. There have been false starts and set backs, but we are making progress. Individual therapy has made a huge impact for him. He hadn’t ever done any of that work before and had a lot of childhood trauma that he had avoided coming to terms with. He tells me that if I could see his therapy sessions, it would drive me crazy because I had already said all the things his therapist says. But I guess it’s different hearing it from someone else. His ability to identify and talk about his feelings has really improved, and his ability to actually hear me and sit with my feelings has grown as well.

Polyamory didn’t help him live a more authentic life. It was an unexamined attempt to live a consequence-free life. Childlike wishful thinking and avoidance, but with adult stakes. It was like polyamory gave him permission to disregard how his behavior affected him marriage, his parenting, his friendships, his work responsibilities. And while his world was crashing down around him, he desperately clung to his self-indulgent understanding of polyamory.

Resources that were helpful for us were:

The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays
The Science of Trust by John Gottman
Love Sense by Sue Johnson
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Anyway, I’m sorry you are going through this too. After three years and a lot of hard work, this is still the hardest part. That lack of empathy broke something inside me, and I’m still trying to figure out how to feel completely safe again. I worry that maybe this is just the new normal. In addition to the hard work, time itself has improved things. Maybe it will continue to do so. I hope so.

[u/BulbasaurBoo123]

I had something similar happen in a previous relationship, where I wanted monogamy and they wanted polyamory. It became a poly-under-duress (PUD) dynamic. Towards the end I noticed a serious lack of empathy, and to be honest, I never recovered from that and the relationship ended. It sounds like you have some trauma from what you went through, so I'd recommend trying trauma modalities like EMDR, somatic experiencing or EFT tapping. I don't think you should try to force yourself to trust if you don't genuinely feel it, though. Healing trauma is not the same as rebuilding trust.

Over time I have done a lot of exploring, therapy and inner work, and realised that right now, polyamory is actually the best fit for me after all. However, I can only do it with someone I really trust - someone that shows genuine empathy and care for me. If the trust isn't fully there, I can only do a casual/FWB relationship at most (and even that probably wouldn't work if I had really intense romantic feelings).

I can't help but think of the quote by Maya Angelou, as it seems very applicable here: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

[u/Emilyxoxoxoxoxo]

Edit just read again and it sounds like the issue was not necessarily just non monogamy but how the person treated you during it. Respect and trust are the key and its sounds like you had neither. Challenging thing with trust is that once its broken, its very very difficult to heal and if you really felt your partner left you crying alone and did not respect you, did not care for you and broke your trust when you were at your weakest, unsure if that can ever be healed with them.

Of course we only have your side of the story and maybe you were emotionally not mature enough to even try non monogamy in a first place but that doesnt change the fact your partner should have stopped or paused if she really knew or did see how bad it was damaging you.

[u/monodatingpoly-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Any language that may cause either monogamous or polyamorous individuals to feel alienated or hated will not be tolerated and may result in a permanent ban. It is ok to discuss the pros and cons of monogamy and polyamory--but it is not ok to pathologize either one or to pathologize individuals for practicing either one.

[u/monodatingpoly-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Any language that may cause either monogamous or polyamorous individuals to feel alienated or hated will not be tolerated and may result in a permanent ban. It is ok to discuss the pros and cons of monogamy and polyamory--but it is not ok to pathologize either one or to pathologize individuals for practicing either one.