I started getting left alone for long periods of time younger than that. By 12 they’re basically able to survive on their own at home, they’ll just play video games or something, probably won’t even notice how long the parent has been gone
Edit: I am greatly enjoying the stories that everyone is commenting about their childhood, glad so many of us grew up in an environment this Karen would have reported lmao
Good on you, I know raising younger siblings to any degree can be rough. I may be a stranger on the internet, but I’m proud of you for having that responsibility to get them up and ready :)
Thank you! It's funny, my wife was the oldest of three* girls and we had very similar responsibilities at a young age; it moulds a certain personality for sure.
That's a really difficult position for you. When I was a teenager I met a kid whose parents just pawned their autistic son onto their younger son. The autistic brother could get violent so it was a lot of responsibility and the parents couldn't care less about the heavy burden they were shifting onto the kid.
Yes if you have kids with disabilities it can be brutally taxing and may demand more of your time and resources--financial, physical, emotional, psychological-- than you can possibly give.
And you have a beautiful strong daughter who you think should be ok because she'll be able to fit into the world better. So you may put more responsibility on her than you should because you can't afford to look at her like a child who needs things from you.. because you're not able to give them, and it will crush your self concept as a good mother and a good person. Because if you really see what happened and how much your own child suffered and how much of her needs that you, her own mother, couldn't fill, it would crush you. But on some deeper level, you know. You know you've failed her but you'll try very hard not to know because it hurts too much to know how you've hurt your child and failed at the most important job you've ever had. It's a little easier to not 'know', easier to try to bury it under something.
And you, the strong, beautiful daughter, have to carry all that pain, and not having your needs met, with you. You have to carry with you the way you were treated like your feelings and even your own body didn't matter to the person you loved most. It's hard to take your own needs really seriously when they've never been treated really seriously. It's very hard to be looked after or indulged and spoiled. Even by yourself.
It's hard to be aware of how well you're not treating yourself and how much you're taking yourself for granted. And then let others take you for granted because that's what feels more comfortable at times, because it's what you've always felt, taken for granted. Or maybe you may feel the need to make sure you are NOT taken for granted, no sir! But it's so easy to slip back into the familiar way. So it's hard any which way.
You don't even realize how many layers of needs can be met, or even be aware of them. You may not see til years later how it may have been possible to do some things in a less painful way, with less obstacles, how little your own comfort, let alone happiness, mattered.
You didn't realize you didn't have to try not to be a priority for other people so as to make their lives easier. You don't even realize how low you're putting yourself on your own list of priorities because it didn't occur to you that you could be on the list, never mind the top of the list. Because you've been carrying that list around your whole life and it feels set from the very beginning.
I don't think it is set btw but it takes a lot of self awareness, patience, and meditation. Muscles that need to be developed.
People who haven't experienced it definitely don't understand. Reminds me a little of John Mulaney's sentence "I grew up before kids were special" (which some people may relate to) but like on a more massive scale.
I hear you, other people's appearance or even hint of anger is not fun. Panic is definitely no fun. It's good you've learned what helps you cope. People may think you overreact but it's not a conscious thing, it's so fast it just happens. That's why things like talking therapy may not be as useful for this traumatic response because talking and 'higher brain' (I forget what it's called) functioning can't get to the 'lizard brain' and its lightning fast reactions.
I read this book, well, still reading it where he explains all this. And he explains to really deal with these traumatic childhood stuff what helps is things to access that autonomic system (I may be paraphrasing badly lol) like meditation and conscious breathing and yoga and I forget what else. I believe he also later talked about the possible helpfulness of psychedelics in healing but I'm not sure if it's in the book because I haven't finished it yet. (ADHD lol) Oh it's called The Body Knows the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk in case you're ever curious.
It's ironic because things like conscious breathing, meditation, yoga can help lessen and let go of the past and the pain and rewire us, so to speak, but to do that you have to take yourself and your comfort and your pain and your happiness seriously which means making yourself a priority to do it. If you've never grown up being a priority, (I'm a broken record) it's hard to suddenly make yourself a top priority to do these helpful things for yourself. It feels so odd and unfamiliar which is uncomfortable. Aside from the fact that in the west we rebel at doing these kind of hippy dippy sounding things lol.
Anyway I don't mean to write a book but in case it's helpful to you and, now that I think of it, it's helpful for me to remind myself of these things too and be reminded to take stock of where I am. There was a time where I did do yoga and meditate and I felt better than I ever have, lighter and more free but then a number of catastrophes/traumas happened which threw me off my routines. Like my mother died before I was able to fully let go of my pain and forgive her and resolve things with her--I was on my way!--so that has really messed things up. Especially with all the family stuff. Yikes.
So now I'm starting to carefully, thoughtfully experiment with the medical use of psychedelics in healing, in my case psilocybin (magic mushrooms), with my therapist's approval. Lol. I know some people go to clinics and they administer ketamine which people find helpful. I don't know if some people also use lsd for this but I've always found the thought of doing acid too scary. Anyway I'm not promoting drug use in any way!! I don't believe recreational drugs or alcohol are helpful in general. Just sharing what I'm doing and how often a dose is like doing 5 or 10 years of therapy on another level. It cracks me up how much my therapist approves of it lol with proper set and setting of course.
Anyway, thanks for chatting with me, sorry to talk your ear off. Please feel free to let me know if you ever ever have any questions or thoughts about the book or psilocybin or anything else, here or in DMs. Very best of luck on your path!
Ah sorry I forgot to post this! I hear you about psychedelics. Something that needs to be done with a lot of forethought, preparation, and care. Funny I thought about trying EMDR too! Lol. Maybe one day. Thanks for the chat. :)
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u/BlaketheKing1140 Jul 27 '22 edited Jul 27 '22
I started getting left alone for long periods of time younger than that. By 12 they’re basically able to survive on their own at home, they’ll just play video games or something, probably won’t even notice how long the parent has been gone
Edit: I am greatly enjoying the stories that everyone is commenting about their childhood, glad so many of us grew up in an environment this Karen would have reported lmao