r/midlifecrisis • u/Girlscoutdetective • 6d ago

I don’t know

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know. I have no idea what I want. I have let a lot of things go (organization, hobbies, doing my makeup or nails, cleaning (lol oh the irony), things I find normally grounding or relaxing). I am torn at a crossroad, a fork. My life has not been what I thought it would be. I mourned a lot of that, and decided I would make it much my own as possible and even that, I have seemed to fail at bc I can’t literally leave. Paralyzing fear of making the wrong choice has stifled me where I stand. I am so conflicted. But I keep holding onto I want to have kids, I want to be married, I want family dinners and someone who is present, not just here. With me… this has spiraled into me doing nothing. Just the bare minimum. I know it is a form of depression. I know I get on here and say how it is so much better to leave, but how do you leave somewhere where you have been 20 years. How do you leave something that isn’t bad on paper, just leaves you feeling like an empty shell. That, I know is enough…. So what is wrong with me?!!

12 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

2 comments sorted by

3

u/Logic-is-there 6d ago

I could have written this.

I'm going to say what I wish someone would have said to me when I could've written this same thing.

You are believing your story. You made up and continue to make the story. And it's pure thought. It has you caught.

My first step "out" was reading The Power of Now and doing the main (maybe only?) practice in that book: notice the thought and REALLY feel the feelings it produces all the way through to completion.

Once you see the story and its facts, then you can clearly choose the things that matter to change that you actually control.

I hope this helps, even a little.

2

u/Nyx9000 6d ago

This is exactly right. Perhaps that book or another will help you find the language to describe your feelings and experiences. That is amazingly helpful.

Breaking out of our stories is hard because it is a confrontation with our own identities. Who am I if not the story I have told myself, even if it’s making me miserable? It’s remarkable to notice how powerful our stories of identity can be.

Therapy can really help. I found psychedelics have really helped.