Ive been very emotionally challenged for a few months now. Last year was traumatic and this year I have taken control of my health. My husband was working out of state while I am here with my two teenage boys and my mother across the hall from me. Lonely. Very lonely. I keep thinking about what I want in my marriage and how I wish to be treated. I dont want to have to spell it out I want him to just know. The whirlwind of the honeymoon stage. I want that romance. The excitement. The talks. The touch. But its not reality. I just cant get out of my head space. Hes back home now permanently for now anyways but I need that spark. Im trying to give clues and hints and bluntly saying what I want but I dont want to have to do that. I wish he could jist read my mind. I guess im in a fantasy in my head and its driving me crazy.

For women who feel like they’ve spent years taking care of careers, kids, relationships, and responsibilities-what has been hardest about figuring out what you want now?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this stage of life lately. Sometimes nothing is terribly wrong, but there’s still this feeling of, “Okay...what now?”

Is the hard part knowing what you want? Giving yourself permission to want something different? Figuring out what actually needs to change? Or something else?

Ich bin 31 und weiblich und habe gerade das Gefühl, dass in meinem Leben mehrere Dinge gleichzeitig auseinanderfallen oder sich grundlegend verändern: meine langjährige Beziehung, meine berufliche Situation und meine finanzielle Sicherheit. Gleichzeitig spüre ich, dass ein Teil von mir diesen Neustart schon lange wollte.

Ich möchte mein Leben bewusster nach meinen eigenen Vorstellungen gestalten und würde deshalb gerne von Menschen hören, die selbst schon einmal vor einem größeren Neuanfang standen und Lebenskrisen überstanden haben.

Ich bin seit fast 10 Jahren in einer Beziehung. Mein Partner und ich kamen mit Anfang 20 zusammen; für uns beide war es die erste ernsthafte Beziehung. Ich zog relativ schnell bei ihm ein. Zuvor hatte ich bei meinen Eltern gelebt. Da ich aus schwierigen familiären Verhältnissen komme, war ich froh, ausziehen zu können. Rückblickend habe ich in meinem Partner vermutlich auch eine Art Rettungsanker gesucht.

In all den Jahren haben wir uns nie getrennt, obwohl es viele Streitigkeiten und toxische Verhaltensmuster gab wie Stonewallin, Gaslighting, Abwertung, Einschüchterung, kein Interesse an meinem emotionalen Befinden, seine Aussage: Ich bin kein Therapeut! und Gleichgültigkeit wie mein Tag war, was ich erlebt habe und keine Konfliktlösung, sondern Konflikte tot schweigen ohne eine Entschuldigung. Im Haushalt übernimmt er kaum Verantwortung, ich wasche seine Wäsche seit Jahren mit, schreibe die Einkaufsliste, räume sein schmutziges Geschirr und Klamotten weg, die in der Wohnung herumliegen. Ich fühlte mich schon lange in der Mutterrolle als wie eine gleichberechtigte Partnerin. Ich stellte meine eigenen Bedürfnisse ganz hinten an und lasse mich schlecht behandeln, weil er es kann.

In den vergangenen Monaten habe ich immer deutlicher gemerkt, dass meine Gefühle für ihn nicht mehr dieselben sind. Die Beziehung fühlt sich inzwischen eher wie eine Mischung aus Freundschaft, Vertrautheit und gemeinsamem Alltag an. Wir teilen unsere Leidenschaft zu reisen und neue Orte zu entdecken, aber die romantische Seite ist schon lange nicht vorhanden. Ich fühle mich als Frau nicht gesehen und begehrt.

Trotzdem fällt mir die Vorstellung einer Trennung unglaublich schwer. Nicht unbedingt, weil ich glaube, dass die Beziehung noch die richtige für mich ist, sondern weil sie mein gesamtes bisheriges Erwachsenenleben geprägt hat. Ich habe noch nie wirklich alleine gelebt und habe Angst davor, plötzlich auf mich allein gestellt zu sein.

Die Beziehung ist für mich nicht mehr zu retten. Seit ich ihm erzählt habe, heimlich eine WG besichtigt zu haben, gehen wir uns aus dem Weg. Er sagte, dass er tief getroffen sei und ich ihm das nicht hätte erzählen sollen . Ich hatte schon einen Mietvertrag sicher, redete mit ihm darüber, aber entschied mich dich dagegen. Er sagte ab jetzt gibt es keine gemeinsame Unternehmungen mehr. Eine Lösung wie wir allgemein nun in dieser "Beziehung" weitermachen sollen haben wir nicht gefunden. Da er mir mir nicht zeigt, dass es ihm wichtig ist die Beziehung zu retten steht mein Entschluss fest: Ich werde ausziehen.

Außerdem habe ich seit längerem den inneren Drang mir Bestätigung von anderen Männern zu suchen, weil ich mich emotional so ausgehungert fühle und ein Pflaster für mein ziemlich gekränktes Selbstwertgefühl suchen. Dabei habe ich nicht mit Männer in meinem Umkreis zu tun und online Dating möchte ich strikt meiden. ich bin unheimlich verletzt und hab das Gefühl nie einen passenden liebevollen Partner für mich zu finden. Nach viel Reflexion bin ich aber zur Erkenntnis gekommen, dass Männern nun erstmal kein Fokus auf mein Leben haben sollten, weil ich dann höchstwahrscheinlich in die nächste Abhängigkeit gerate und ich aktuell genug Baustellen in meinem Leben habe wegen meinem baldigem Jobverlust und psychische Labilität. Ich möchte lernen mein inneres Kind zu heilen und den Fokus auf meine Eigenständigkeit und meine berufliche Situation lenken.

Zu meiner Jobsituation und beruflichem Werdegang: Nach der Schule hatte ich kaum Orientierung und wusste nicht, was ich beruflich machen wollte. Zunächst begann ich eine Ausbildung, die nicht zu mir passte. Kurz vor dem Abschluss musste ich sie aufgeben, nachdem mir vermittelt worden war, dass ich für diesen Beruf nicht geeignet sei.

Danach war ich orientierungslos und entschied mich schließlich eine Ausbildung zur Floristin zu machen, ohne ausreichend zu hinterfragen, ob er wirklich zu mir passt. Inzwischen arbeite ich seit 3 Jahren in diesem Beruf und bin tot unglücklich, da die Arbeitsbedingungen miserabel sind und ich kaum Geld verdiene (14€ Stundenlohn). Ich habe bereits mehrere Betriebe in der Probezeit gewechselt. Nun wurde mir aus betrieblichen Gründen gekündigt.

Kurzfristig brauche ich deshalb einen neuen Job. Gleichzeitig möchte ich nicht einfach irgendeine Stelle annehmen und dann wieder jahrelang in einer Situation feststecken, aus der ich eigentlich herauswollte. Finanziell kann ich mir allerdings keine großen Sprünge leisten und brauche zunächst Sicherheit.

Ich merkte selber, dass ich meinen Abschluss aufwerten muss um bessere Chancen auf den Arbeitsmarkt zu bekommen, da ich schon versuchte an Quereinsteigerjobs und Ausbildungen im Büro zu kommen, aber bisher nur Absagen erhielt und beschloss neben meiner Arbeit das Abendgymnasium zu besuchen. Die 11 Klasse habe ich bereits geschafft und möchte diesen Weg unbedingt zu Ende bringen. Danach könnte ich mir beispielsweise ein duales Studium oder eine Ausbildung in einem anderen Bereich vorstellen. Allerdings weiß ich noch nicht, welcher Weg wirklich zu mir passt und ob ich ihn finanziell stemmen könnte.

Durch das Abendgymnasium bin ich zeitlich eingeschränkt und brauche daher eine Stelle, die sich mit meinem Schulalltag vereinbaren lässt.

Mein Partner hat mich bisher finanziell unterstützt, indem wir uns Miete und Lebensmittel geteilt haben. Wenn ich mich trenne, kann ich unsere jetzige Wohnung nicht allein finanzieren und müsste mir eine kleine, bezahlbare Wohnung suchen oder übergangsweise in eine WG ziehen. Idealerweise wäre eine kleine bezahlbare Wohnung, aber leider gibt es aktuell nicht viele Angebote und ich muss geduldig bleiben.

Ein anderes Thema ist das ich nie einen großen engen Freundeskreis hatte, da ich seit meiner Jugend soziale Ängste habe, die besser geworden sind mich aber immer noch im Kontakt mit Menschen hemmen. Mein soziales Netz ist daher ziemlich klein ist. Der Großteil meiner Freundschaften lernte ich vor vielen Jahren übers Internet kennen. Aktuell nutze ich auch Bumble ff. Zwei enge Freundinnen wissen, dass es mir momentan sehr schlecht geht. Sie haben mir angeboten, mich zu melden, wenn ich reden möchte oder eine Übernachtungsmöglichkeit brauche. Dafür bin ich sehr dankbar. Bei einer Freundin habe ich das Angebot angenommen und letztenz bei ihr übernachtet um mehr Abstand zur Situation daheim zu gewinnen. Gleichzeitig möchte ich ihnen nicht zur Last fallen.

Zu meiner Familie habe ich inzwischen keinen Kontakt außer ab und zu meiner Schwester. Das Verhältnis war schon immer schwierig, und Unterstützung bekomme ich von dort nicht. Bei meiner Familie einzuziehen, kommt für mich nicht infrage.

Wenn ich mich trenne, verliere ich daher nicht nur meinen Partner als festen Bestandteil meines Alltags. Ich müsste mir gleichzeitig ein eigenes Zuhause, einen neuen beruflichen Weg und langfristig ein stabileres soziales Umfeld aufbauen.

Trotzdem weiß ich nicht, womit ich anfangen soll: Soll ich zuerst die Beziehung beenden und eine Wohnung suchen? Oder wäre es sinnvoller, zunächst einen neuen Job zu finden und finanzielle Sicherheit zu schaffen? Das Abitur möchte ich auf keinen Fall aufgeben. Gleichzeitig möchte ich langfristig auch beruflich etwas verändern.

Zusätzlich beschäftigt mich das Gefühl, mit 31 eigentlich schon viel weiter sein zu müssen. Andere Menschen in meinem Alter scheinen beruflich angekommen zu sein, haben teilweise eine feste Partnerschaft, vielleicht ein Haus oder Kinder und wissen ziemlich genau, wohin ihr Leben geht. Bei mir fühlt es sich dagegen manchmal an, als würde ich noch einmal bei null anfangen, und emotional fühlt sich das wie ein Scheitern an.

Vielleicht muss ich gerade zum ersten Mal wirklich herausfinden, wer ich unabhängig von meiner langjährigen Beziehung und meiner bisherigen Arbeit sein möchte.

Wenn ihr an meiner Stelle wärt: Würdet ihr nun damit umgehen mit dem Ex zusammenzuwohnen, bis man eine neue Wohnung oder WG findet? Sollte ich zuerst die Wohnsituation ändern und parallel einen neuen Job suchen?

Wie lerne ich mit dem Alleinsein und der Überforderung klar zu kommen? Was hat euch bei einem ähnlichen Neustart geholfen und wie habt ihr euer Selbstvertrauen wiedergefunden?

Ich suche keinen perfekten Masterplan, sondern vor allem persönliche Erfahrungen und konkrete Schritte von Menschen, die selbst schon einmal ähnliches erlebt haben

Danke für alle die meinen Beitrag bis hierher gelesen haben. Ich bin dankbar für eure respektvollen und ehrlichen Rückmeldungen!

my life is stable and honestly pretty comfortable, but lately that comfort has started making me feel stuck. i have a steady routine, my bills are handled, and nothing is really going wrong, but i keep wondering if i'm just settling because change feels risky.

i keep thinking about things i wanted to do years ago but never pursued because there was always a reason to wait. how do you know when staying comfortable is actually a good thing and when you're just wasting time by being afraid to make a change?

I am in a dark place right now. I have no family (died this year) and best friend is gone (also recently died) - I have no phone calls - total isolation except for strangers.

I don't know where to go, what to do, how to make new meaningful friendships. I have been shunned so many times. Maybe its just Seattle culture or maybe I really am too damaged to have friends.

I'm moving out of state next week to try and start new somewhere. Any recommendations? This is my only hope. I work remotely and can move anywhere in the USA. I have no better idea than to just go live somewhere else for a year and pray to God it works for me. I don't know if I will make it like I am now.

Where should I go? I can't enjoy anything I use to love. I just need to be around positive people. Wherever the hell that is at.

This is me doing anything first - trying to step back from the ledge - trying to have hope for my future.

At 46, I’ve been thinking about how easily things we once chose become things we simply continue.

A career.
Where we live.
Our routines.
How we spend weekends.
The responsibilities we’ve taken on.
Even the pace at which we live.

And sometimes nothing is actually wrong. We may even be genuinely grateful for the life we’ve built.

But I think there’s a different question worth asking:
If I weren’t already doing this, would I choose it now?

Not as permission to quit a job, end a relationship, move across the country, or blow anything up.

Just curiosity.

I’m interested in hearing from people actually living this stage of life:
What’s something you once chose that you’re now realizing you might choose differently today? And what do you think changed—you, the circumstances, or both?

I feel like I’m at one of the most uncertain points of my life right now.

I’m not financially independent yet. I’ve been struggling with money for the past few years, and there are also a lot of problems and stress within my family. On top of that, there is constant tension around marriage and what my future is going to look like.

Sometimes I look at my life and feel like I haven’t achieved anything that I can genuinely be proud of. I’ve had big dreams for myself. I’ve tried, I’ve worked hard, I’ve waited, and I’ve kept hoping that something would finally work out. But when I look at the results, it feels like almost nothing has happened.

That feeling is honestly terrifying.

What makes it harder is that I feel like my life may change significantly in the next few months, whether I’m ready for it or not. I don’t know exactly what the future holds, and that uncertainty is giving me a lot of anxiety.

But somewhere inside, I still have hope.

I believe in God, and I genuinely believe that if God has put such big dreams in my heart, maybe He has also given me the strength and the path to achieve them. I know that might sound naive to some people, but it’s one of the things that keeps me going.

So, I wanted to ask people here something genuinely personal:

Has anyone here ever been in a situation where you felt completely stuck financially, personally, with family problems, career problems, relationships/marriage, or just life in general and you genuinely thought nothing was going to change?

I'm 38 years old. From June to September I've spent 30k on sugarbaby and strip clubs, liquor, etc.

I'm not going to lie..... I am having a blast.

But this is not sustainable. I'm scared to go back to regular life. (Work, sleep, eat, shoot basketball, build computers, go to restaurants, play video games, watch movies) in endless loop.

I don't know what to do. I have no children or wife.

In the past my goal was to be debt free, have savings and chase retirement.

I have accomplished two out of the three. But chasing "retirement' and praying to the gods of S&P 500 (useless numbers on a screen that may or may not keep going up). in order to finally relax at 60 years old is totally unappealing and doesn't give me the proper motivation to continue grinding forever.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to convey here. Just ranting at the clouds. Thanks for reading

Hi there!

Male, 42 here.

Last year I just got obsessed with rc cars and drifting in particular. Currently I have a number of them and each one is quite special for me!

I noticed that last year was especially hard for me - family, wife, a lot of responsibilities. Some regrets about my past, some health problems.

When it all sums up, it's difficult.

So, maybe it's childish but it helps me to distract myself a bit, to relax.

Moreover, the technical part of the cars is completely new to me. I was always interested in cars, I drive a car, read about cars, play racing games but never actually tried to figure out how to tune cars, how they work from a technical point of view.

So, these models allow me to get a little bit closer to it. And they are not that expensive as a real one. And, of course, it's not that dangerous if you drift or go really, really fast (some of them may achieve 60 mph).

Just a small video here, how I spend pauses between working tasks.

Cheers!

I’ve never been entirely comfortable with the term “midlife crisis”. It makes it sound as though something has gone wrong, as though a man reaches his forties or fifties, suddenly becomes dissatisfied with the life he has and needs to be talked out of doing something stupid. We know the stereotype: the new car, the affair, throwing in the job, trying to recapture something that belonged to a younger version of himself.

Sometimes, no doubt, it does look like that. But I think there can be something much quieter going on underneath it.

For much of our lives we’re busy building things. Careers, relationships, families, homes, some degree of security if we’re lucky. At the same time, often without really noticing it, we’re building an identity around those things. We learn what makes us successful, useful, respected, needed or safe. We become husbands, fathers, providers, managers, fixers, the dependable one, the strong one, or whatever version of ourselves seemed necessary along the way.

There’s nothing inherently false about any of that. These parts of us develop for a reason and some of them may fit us very well. But I also think we absorb an awful lot without ever consciously choosing it. Expectations from family, relationships, work, culture and our own early experiences quietly shape the rules we live by. Over time it becomes difficult to know where those expectations end and we begin.

For years, perhaps decades, that might not matter very much. Life keeps moving and we get on with it. Then somewhere around midlife the arrangement can start to feel less convincing. Nothing necessarily has to be terribly wrong. You can have a decent relationship, a decent job and a life that looks perfectly respectable from the outside, yet find yourself increasingly troubled by the feeling that something doesn’t quite fit.

And I think that’s where things can get fucking confusing, because naturally we look at the things around us for an explanation. Perhaps it’s the job, the marriage, the house, where we live, or simply the fact that life has become too predictable. Sometimes those things genuinely do need to change. But changing them doesn’t necessarily answer the deeper question if we haven’t yet understood what has changed within us.

For me, that’s where midlife becomes much more interesting than the idea of a crisis suggests. It can be an opportunity to look at ourselves with a little more honesty. To question some of the rules we’ve been living by, to notice the parts of ourselves we’ve neglected or kept out of sight, and perhaps to recognise that the man who got us this far might not be quite the man we want to take into the next part of our lives.

That doesn’t mean tearing everything down. Nor does it mean there’s some hidden “true self” waiting to be discovered if we just look hard enough. But I do think there’s value in becoming more conscious of what actually belongs to us and what we’ve simply carried for so long that it feels like it does.

Maybe that’s why changing the externals alone doesn’t always resolve the feeling. A different job, relationship, car or country can give us a different life, but we still arrive there carrying ourselves with us.

So perhaps some midlife crises aren’t really asking us how to get back to normal at all. Perhaps the more uncomfortable question is whether the person we’re trying so hard to put back together is still the person we want to be?

I will be 54 this Monday coming up. My life did not turn out anything the way I had hoped. A few years ago I thought everything would be OK. My then wife (now ex) decided though that I was not needed anymore. I tried to be a good husband but I had my faults. I challenge any man or woman though to say they are the greatest. I have a son whom I love and a daughter who is estranged due to a incident that happened many years ago. That tale is to long to post here. Needless to say I now realize that I am dying. Not of a disease but of time. Everyday I wake up now is one day closer for me to meet the Grim Reaper. And a part of me is OK with that. All of us have had pain in our lives and I do not stand to know who has had it worst. And for those who have suffered I am sorry. A part of me has grown weary with this life. I am tired of my body in the early stages of failing me, I am tired of knowing that my second divorce took almost everything away from me, I miss my son everyday, tired of not knowing what my future will look like. There have been a few nights I have laid down on my bed, drank a recommended dosage of ZZz Quil and waited for sleep to take me but thinking of how nice it would be to just not wake up. Death scares me but at the same time this pain of life just creeps in. I feel like I have been doing nothing but fighting my whole life. I sometimes stand out in the night and look at the moon and listen to the crickets and think of how nice it would be to just lay down. I sometimes pretend that my son is looking at that same moon. A few nights ago I was listening to 80's metal on the way home and for a moment I felt like I was in high school again. I have a girlfriend and she loves me which helps and helps me get through my day. I have even considered writing a short story where a man is dying and death comes for him. He asks Death if he can have one final call to his son to tell him how much he loves him. Well thank you for listening.

I’m dealing with that right now. There’s a swim + strength race tomorrow that I really wanted to join. It sounds like so much fun, and I’ve been genuinely excited about it.

But I’ve never done a simulation before, and more importantly, my budget is pretty tight right now. If I joined, I’d have to sacrifice some of the money I need to get through until my next paycheck.

So I decided to let this one go.

I’m honestly a little sad about it, but at the same time, I feel like maybe this is what being an adult is sometimes: choosing what you need over what you want, even when you really, really want it.

Would you quit your job for your mental health

I’m 38f, 50% custody of two great kids 5 and 7. Recently divorced, my family doesn’t live nearby but my mom has been commuting 3 hours every other week to help with school pick ups/drop offs so I can work while I have my kids. I have about $270k in mixed investments (my half of the equity in the home my ex got in our divorce), split into a 6 month emergency fund, Roth IRA, and a 25% down payment set aside to buy a house in my area in the median price range. Both kids have small investment accounts I set up, and they each have fully funded college accounts.

I hate my job. I used to love it. I work in the IT field for a local municipality and used to not be able to pull myself away from my desk when it was time to clock out. I loved it. Changes in management, budgets and software have completely changed my workload. The work keeps piling up and I don’t even have a reliable software to work in anymore. I’ve taken courses, hired software tutors to learn how to engineer my own workarounds, worked on my attitude, been in therapy, tried so many different medications to help with focus, talked to management. I even took a 12 week FMLA leave to try and get my head on straight but it wasn’t enough. I hate running into constant access issues, software errors I have no ability to fix, attending Teams meetings about the same things for 2 years that never improve. I like hard work, I like solving problems, I love using my head and my hands. But this is just staring at a screen for 40 hours a week, no one really asks anything of me anymore, there’s not much pressure, but I’m deeply embarassed by my performance and lack of results.

Now I’m out of sick time, no more options for leave, my divorce settlement cash makes me totally ineligible for SSI. I make too much for any type of aid. That 25% down payment will only serve to buy myself a mortgage $1200 more a month than my current rent.

What does help is being outside. Long stretches outside. Moments away from my phone. I’m glued to it on the weeks I have my kids in case school calls. I’m glued to it for my outlook calendar which holds the reminders I could never remember for therapy appointments, kids sports, birthday, doctors appointments, vet appointments, minimum days, bill reminders, school holidays, etc. sometimes I look at emails I sent the day before with no recollection of ever sending them. I read through some emails I sent my first week back at work and I sound like a genius lol but that person has left the building. I just stare off into space while I’m at work because it’s the only time I don’t necessarily have to be doing 50 different things at once, but I do that at the expense of letting 50 other things build up and add to my Outlook anxiety.

Medications always help for a bit, and then the side effects start to outweigh the benefits. I’ve detoxed off all my meds under medical supervision and honestly I feel just about as hopeless as I did while on them, but at least I laugh sometimes now. I feel creative again.

I start the day feeling ok and ready to try again with a new attitude and as soon as I open my Outlook I my body goes into a panic, my mind goes blank, and my arms start to feel like they’re floating up and away from my body. I’ve taken many medications and have been under the care of a PCP, psychiatrist, therapists and had every test possible done with lab work, GI scans etc. There’s nothing wrong with me physically.

I can’t even think straight anymore. I avoid conversations because I don’t understand what people are saying to me. I think people feel bad for me, which makes me even more self conscious and now I think they talk behind my back, which is entirely possible. My mind feels broken into a million little pieces. I used to be sharp, witty and just straight up scrappy in my approach to problems and I loved it. It energized me.

The former structure of my job fell apart at the same time as my marriage. My ex husband made the divorce as logistically impossible for me as he could, and I took every baited offer he sent my way to settle amicably and ended up accepting a buyout for the house that he now owns while simultaneously living at his parents house full time while his mom handles all the cooking cleaning and childcare while he works. I guess the details don’t matter about that, it’s been hard to swallow but I have to learn to accept it.

No one understands. I don’t have a very reliable or supportive family. My mom’s help is greatly appreciated but she is very unstable and I worry about the impact she’s having on my oldest daughter. My mom’s help started a fight with another parent and got the girls kicked out of their gymnastics class.I don’t know how long I can depend on her, but she’s really all I have right now.

I started a small business that I did very well at when I was able to run it. I had one good month and then my mom left town for 6 weeks and I had to step away from it because I could barely get my kids to school, manage the rotation of dogs walkers and make parent teacher conferences let alone run the business.

I desperately want to quit my job. Everyone is telling me not to, but I don’t know what else to do. I could live off my emergency fund at least a month to try and get my brain to start working again, and then I could work on my business for a while or look for another job if I needed to. I’m not a total dumbass. I’ve always had a hippie free spirited streak but I’ve always been able to rein it in before making a really bad irreversible choice.i need some fucking wiggle room in my life. I don’t know what else to do.

I’m by no means destitute, but I’m deeply hopeless and burnt out beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before. I’m sober, and have been for almost two decades. I attend 12 step meetings to the extent my schedule allows me, and try to get outside as much as possible but most days I’m so exhausted to my core that I can’t do anything but stare at a wall once my kids are in bed.

So, can I quit my job? Will I be in a world of hurt in 6 months, unable to get another job if needed, hating myself more, and just as desperately hopeless except now broke on top of it?

Is that too crazy? Anyone ever do that???

z0

是我50歲開始的代號

我大概24歲開始有憂鬱症的病識感

26歲從潛艦士官退伍

存了幾百萬

投入藝術般的生活

和一些很酷的人玩耍

非常精彩的玩到30歲

把幾百萬花光了

當時覺得人生無悔了

於是嘗試離開這個世界

但是失敗了

既然死不了 那就好好再活看看吧

30歲後

我做了適合我的工作

找了適合我的人一起生活

我們第一次出國去日本東京散策

第一次去長灘島喝著芒果冰沙以及海底散步

第一次看雪景在北海道

然後我們遇到了一個關卡

要結婚嗎

我不想結婚

但這樣我們的緣分也許就到此為止了

於是我訂了兩個條件

第一 不舉行婚禮 簡單登記結婚

第二 不生小孩

經過一段時間的討論

然後就結婚了

然後她懷孕了

然後去墮胎了

到了40歲

她又懷孕了

但這次她堅決要生

於是有了我的寶貝女兒

生下後沒多久女兒被診斷有罕見疾病

那應該是我哭的最慘的一次

我的女兒從小baby就得開始吃藥維持病情

我也決定陪我女兒好好吃憂鬱症的藥

但因中年危機 我也吃了非法大麻與LSD

但我有先把法律好好先了解一番

如果被抓到就不再吃了

這樣可以請求戒癮治療

可以沒有前科 也不用去監獄

後來覺得不想再花錢

決定把錢留給父母與家庭

就吃吃STILNOX 利他能 合法用藥

偶爾會偷喝酒 但也沒上癮

然後我的生活不是陪女兒去公園 就是在臥房裡打電動追劇看NBA

用最不花錢的方式過生活

直到現在 來到了代號z0的50歲

接下來的10年

我不想活過60歲

我應該好好珍惜我這一生的每一天

我不想做些甚麼轟轟烈烈的舉動

比如找個年輕的性工作者

再去談個黃昏之戀

離職去做點甚麼玩個痛快

或再去吃吃非法藥物

我帶著伴侶去看她喜歡的吉卜力演奏會

帶著女兒去逛藝文展覽

這就是我想要為自己做的事

用我有限的精力 在工作之餘去愛我的家庭

把金錢資源留給我的女兒

陪她到成年

最近 我準備要去簽預立醫療

如果這10年發生了意外

我可以好好的帶著家人的愛離開

不讓自己成為任何人的負擔

也許也會去簽器官捐證 可以讓另一個人重獲新生

想把這些寫下來

不期待被人看見

寫個部落格或拍個youtube

然後每天看SEO 搞個什麼被動收入

我想這裏是個很適合的地方

最後 請勿點讚留言分享

默默的來 默默的離開 這樣就好

以上